Feeling emotionally unstable early on

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

… in a new relationship. Let me make it very clear: he has so far given me absolutely no reason to feel like that and for the first couple of months felt as if I was walking with my head in the clouds. Now, out of sudden… on the verge of being depressed. Feeling like it’s not safe and that I’d be better off escaping. Like something bad is going to happen. Like my life is being taken over.
what on earth is going on? Anyone else been there and came out ok?

Is it possible that things are going at too fast a pace and u are scared?

Has something in his attitude shifted to make you feel uneasy? Sometimes words aren't needed but if you feel him pulling back for example? Or too full on? Or a something about him has sparked a feeling from a previous bad relationship? Figure out whether it's him or your fears.

What's your relationship history? Have you had bad experiences in the past?

Like my life is being taken over.

Can you say more about this?

Thanks everyone. Nothing in his attitude no. I really think it’s all on me.
childhood trauma including being abandoned by my father probably goes a long way towards explaining it. Not a great history or relationships. I know it’s me.
but how do I deal with it?

@Muppetshair its like nothing but this gives me joy, the rest of my life, which I’ve worked hard to rebuild, seems to be of little interest to me…does it make sense? Verging on an obsession. And my emotions are all over the place and not always appropriate to the situation, like instead of feeling calm and looking forward to a meet, I feel anxious 😬

@BCBird i really don’t think so, just dating… on average a couple of nights a week, some messaging…

I had to give myself a talking to in the early days of my relationship. I told myself firmly that this was the early phase of working each other out and this would pass. Honestly it did! We are now married and have a great relationship. The early bit was destabilising for me, because I just didn’t know what would happen and where this would go , and as I had been hurt in the past I was anxious for a while.

@Hotfootgoose very pleased for you but I don’t think this is going to happen for us due to our personal circumstances. I don’t want to share too much but DCs on both sides etc…. I don’t know, of course, but from my side I don’t see myself getting married again for quite some time.

It sounds like your imagination is rushing ahead to envisage all the things that could go wrong. From your description you have become fixated on this happening and are feeling overwhelmed and want to protect yourself. l would say just slow down and let things unfold, it's a new relationship and you will need to discover whether he's right for you or not. I'm sure your past history of childhood abandonment is the root cause for your feeling of instability and anxiety.lf possible could you have some counselling to try to examine these feelings and work through them to try to regain some balance and stability in your thoughts?

I agree with this your past has left you with negative expectations of future relationships which you subconsciously apply to self sabotage believing it will end anyway.

Try to work on resolving your own relational trauma c PTSD - practice ‘being here now’ mindfulness, distraction and grounding / breathing exercises when you find your mind racing and your stomach knotted to desescalate your anxiety.

Maybe do some reading on attachment styles. Sounds like you could have anxious attachment or disorganised attachment. I've been reading up on this recently as I feel similar when in a relationship. I've been single for 5 years because I can't stand the emotional roller-coaster that being in a relationship puts me on.

You can develop ‘learned’ secure attachment - once you are aware of your innate reactions to the ‘threat’ of emotional intimacy by developing trusting stable relationships with healthy people or through therapy. It’s not a life sentence but often we are attracted to others who are emotionally insecure so it inevitably goes wrong.

It’s a slow gradual process of personal awareness, acceptance and agency.

@Muppetshair Thanks for that-makes me feel like it might not be a lost cause. I'm aware that I need to do a lot of work on myself before I get into a relationship again. Unfortunately private therapy isn't an option so I'm kind of going down the self help route(aka reading shit on the Internet😬).
My main struggle is 'forcing' myself to date outside of my comfort zone as I can't seem to get over my attraction towards emotionally unhealthy people.

That’s understandable as we unconsciously drift to the ‘familiar’ - which might be drama, pain, anxiety etc.

Someone emotionally healthy might seem boring at first as we are not triggered etc.

How are your friendships - can you practice there? Have you ditched the troublesome / needy ones and made more balanced, reciprocal friendships and acquaintances?

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has responded. I’ve been in a terrible downward emotional spiral since I first posted and it doesn’t seem to stop… not sure what to do anymore. I just wish I didn’t have to live inside my own head.
@MaryDoll84 it sounds like we have a similar problem. I wish I knew the solution.
@Muppetshair I've been in therapy for a long time. And I thought I made a huge amount of progress… until this relationship and total regression…