Money

[Milady44]

I’m self employed just starting out, I was seriously ill for 10 days and my husband told me he would cover 2 weeks food shop which I would normally pay for and as he earns a lot more than me we left it at that. However, today he has asked me to give him the 400 pounds back!!! I feel so angry as I now need to find nearly 400 pounds to pay him back ! The reason I decided to become self employed was to be able to juggle the childcare etc and I feel I’m being penalised for it. Sorry for the rant

Tell him to bugger off, it's a relationship not a building society.

You are married?

Write him up a bill for childcare and deduct the £400 from that.

If you live together and have children, in my view you should combine finances. This is absolutely essential if either party is limiting their earning due to childcare.

If you don't want to combine finances, then he should pay you (his half) of the going rate for childcare (and cleaning etc if you working less means you do more of the chores).

Either finances get combined, or you bill each other for stuff. But that goes both ways, ie he has to pay for the childcare and other domestic services you provide.

Did he not eat any of the food then? What’s he seriously going to do if you just don’t pay it back 🤷🏻‍♀️

Once again problems occurring based upon assumptions rather than actual discussion of expectations surrounding the very significant issue of financial management.

Did he ask or suggest that you not work? Perhaps,if you were working full-time , you would have enough money to contribute to the cost of childcare and have employer paid sick leave.

It sounds as though you are both unreasonable for making assumptions rather than clearly articulating your expectations.

DP and I do not combine our finances for various reasons but we do split everything. If he's is short one month then I'll pay more and vice versa but neither of us has ever asked for it back! I think that's just mean. As PP said, did he not eat the food?!

I don’t work Thursdays as our son has a weekly medical appointment i have accepted the loss of earnings as I need to take him to and from the appointment as my husband can’t, which makes me more annoyed he’s asking fo r the money back

Work out what it would cost for child day care (Thursday) to avoid loss of earnings and take that out of the £400 for 2 weeks food shop (which seems a lot btw).

I do think you and dh need to sort out your finances a bit better though.

Why can't you alternate with your husband? What would happen if you were ill/broke your leg/died/whatever.

It is a bit presumptuous to assume that her spouse has 400 to spare if she does not have that same amount in reserve? Could he have come to the OP to ask for 400 if he for whatever reason had a 400 unplanned shortfall?

Money , like most other resources, does not magically appear in anyone 's bank account or pocket. The fact that one party works out of the home does not mean that they do not work as hard or are less stressed than the other partner who works in the home. Both partners should be able to rely on commitment and follow through even when it requires a stretch to do so.

I was a sahm for a few years and so I always did the Thursday morning appointment. As I’m self employed I took no work on Thursday till 1
pm as husband said he couldn’t take time off every week. It means I lose 3/4 hours of work once a week.

@Milady44
What would have happened if your husband had been able to cover your shortfall ? Is it possible for you to add hours to the days and time that you currently work.

Is he ever able to rely on you to meet a family financial short fall? Has he ever asked you to do so?

It seems a bit unfair to complain about him when this is a request which you are unable to reciprocate.

Men really do want it all don't they?! Not a chance would I be giving him a penny. Just say to him that if he needs this money back he will have to start doing half the appointments or paying you to do them. Then charge him the rate you charge when working for the 4hrs you miss each week.

For the record I was gifted 3,000 pounds from my mother 2 years ago. I bought a treadmill for 250 during lockdown.
My husband took the rest of the money without asking me !!!!! I never asked him to reimburse me even though the money was specifically gifted to me !!

@OP , maybe you would feel less resentful if you did ask for the money back. How did he take the money? Based upon what you are saying, you did not give it to him. Did he steal the funds?

Are you saying that he is both cheap and a thief as well? Does he usually steal from you? That is totally unacceptable.

My mother transferred the money to our joint account as I trusted it would stay there.
However, a few days later I mentioned the money and he casually said he’d used it!!!!! When I queried it he said he needed it and had used it

He blamed me saying he’d been paying for me and the kids for years !!!! It was a joint decision I stay at home
for a few years and I did take on work during that time to help out. I went away for 9 weeks without my children to help pay off debt he incurred due to the fact he’s not good at managing finances !!! I also worked
solely weekends where I didn’t see my boys at all over the weekends for 18 months so we didn’t pay childcare !

I seriously hope you are planning for a financial future without him. Kids grow up and you retire...what then? He loots your pension, savings or any inheritance you may acquire over the years. The gift from your mother could have gone towards your children, but he swiped it. He is not trustworthy with money and you need a separate account from him for gifts etc. What happens if you fall sick in the future? I found myself disabled at 50 from a terrible accident. All unexpected twists of fate that retired me from my career, coupled with family bereavement and children with medical needs to contend with. I raise this as an example of how things can go wrong in ways you do not expect. I am inheriting a lot of money (7 figures) from the estate of a parent soon. I would be mortified if I had a husband who could access that, while sending me demands for food bills and such like. I can only suggest that you start planning your exit from this dreadful situation, and building for your own future.

@OP, your situation sounds pretty messed up. Who took care of your children for the 9 weeks .that you went away.

Your situation sounds regrettable. There is no mutual agreement about money that seems to be articulated and adhered to. You are a much better woman than I am.
Your added details make the situation seem financially chaotic.

You should never have agreed to be a SAHM, and you need access to an account in your own name. You may love this man, but love should not stop you from setting up financial independence. Love him if you will, but love yourself more.

s

Did you ever find out what he spent the money on that he stole from you? What did you say to your mum about what the money was spent on? £400 for two weeks worth of food is a lot. I would be asking for the receipts if my OH told me I owed him that amount.

Wtf. He is an abuser and a thief.

So he's crap with money and in charge of the family finances. Why aren't you doing the family finances together?

Tell him the 400 will be deducted from the funds you were gifted and he stole.

And, to state the obvious - your marriage won't survive this money issue.

He told me the money he took was for the family ! He had a business which wasn’t working anymore due to his Management so he used my money for that and also the children’s savings accounts which was about 3000 pounds as well!!!! He wouldn’t give up the business until about 2 years ago