Just want to cry, going backwards

[Liliesrus]

my husband was emotionally abusive, he died when our son was 6.
ds is now 15 and is autistic and has adhd. He’s doing ok in general, but can be absolutely hateful towards me. I don’t know if this is a normal teenage thing, adhd, autism, I just have to hope he’ll grow out of it.
but his behaviour is so similar to his Dads, it’s scary and it’s affecting me really badly. Reliving it.
i feel like my life has been wasted, my only one relationship was a sham( he cheated )
i haven’t seen anyone since he died, don’t particularly want to, no sex for 10 years.
I don’t know what I’m asking for. But I’m so miserable, I just want to cry all the time at the pointlessness of my life

No advice but a big unn-mumsnetty hug. Hopefully it is at least largely to do with being a teenager and it improves.

My biggest fear was that my son turns out like his Dad 😢

So sorry you are struggling, this sounds tough, but if your son is doing OK generally l would put his moods down to hormones and teenage angst. Try not to compare him to his father although l can imagine it's difficult not to if his behaviour is causing you to focus on painful past memories.
I wonder if you would consider some counselling for yourself to combat the flash backs which could be a type of PTSD. Counselling would also give you a safe space to share your worries and fears.
You do sound depressed so maybe a trip to your G.P to talk about how unhappy you are feeling. You don't say how old you are but could it be perimenopause? That can certainly make you feel very emotional and tearful alongside other symptoms. If so then hrt should make a difference.
Your life has not been wasted, and isn't pointless. The teenage years can be very hard to navigate, but especially as your son is neurodiverse. All you can do is keep supporting him, but please get some help for yourself too. Sending you best wishes and hoping things get better for you.

Sending a hug. The teen years are a nightmare. As PP says, please get some help for yourself too xx

My son's dad was coercive and emotionally abusive (very very mentally unwell and traumatised) and died when my son was 4. My son didn't witness any abuse but I regularly feel triggered by things that seem like things his dad did. I ended up having flashbacks this morning because he got angry getting ready for school.

I have to remind myself that his dad was behaving like a child and that it's not my child behaving like him. I think this also applies for normal teenage behaviour? I know some domestic abuse charities offer support for children who were affected by it. Has your son had any bereavement support, as this may help too. If you're able, try to surround yourself with other survivors - it's invaluable being able to talk to other women who get it.

Also! Trauma can present very similarly to ADHD or being autistic.