Should I leave….

[Tadah2]

So long story short:

15 years together, married. 1 toddler and a baby. I’m just not sure that I am happy anymore, and there are a couple of reasons:

• My husband has had an issue with getting aroused for the last 10 years. I’ve asked for counselling, but he always says it will get better (it never does). I ask for affection, a kiss and a cuddle, it never happens. I just feel rejected a lot. I still ask for sex and generally get told not tonight, I’m tired, I won’t be able to perform. We seem to be very fertile, so I got pregnant with both our DCs during a one off. I only had the second, as he pressured me SO much to have another even though I had bad PND with the first, wanted us to work on our relationship and I didn’t feel ready. I’ve asked if it’s me, the arousal thing, and he’s said he loves me so much he puts too much pressure on himself as he doesn’t want to disappoint me - but we’ve had the same conversations for 10 years and nothing changed. He has had depression on and off - but refuses to take medication.
• He’s grumpy, a lot. He works all the time, most weekends he works. I worry if I get an invite and he has been invited too, as he will always moan about how he doesn’t want to go. So I offer to go without him and he’ll moan that I’m taking the DCs away when he doesn’t see them much. He never attends any of my family celebrations, but I always have to go his family celebrations. He refuses to leave work and look for another role where he works 9-5, even though I think (would hope) that might make him happier. I can fund our lifestyle. But he won’t. He moans when he doesn’t see his friends, he moans when he does, he moans that he doesn’t play his favourite sports, he moans when he does (as he’s no longer as good at them). There’s a lot of negativity. Ever decision, it feels like he has to put an argument up against me.
• if he attends family occasions he always makes thing uncomfortable. If someone has some ‘banter’ about him he snaps and is moody. If someone asks him to help with something (like building a toy for DCs), if he can’t do it, he will get snappy. it’s uncomfortable and awkward. He talks about himself all the time. He NEVER asks anyone a question. He met with his friend the other day (who has just moved house and got a new job) and I asked how his friend was and he said ‘oh I didn’t ask him any questions, I just told him about x, y and z in my life’.
• The only time he is the man I met when we first got together is when we are on holiday (hence previously asking him to leave his job). But now we have children, it’s not the same, he doesn’t get his spark back.

Any help massively appreciated, we have two young DCs and I don’t want to split up my family, but I don’t know what else to do. Has anyone been through this before and have any advice? He wasn’t like this at the start, he’s just changed slowly over the years. We had a very active sex life for the first 5 years (didn’t have our first DC until 10 years in - so can’t blame children). He used to laugh lots and we had lots of fun.

thank you so much for reading, sorry it is so long.

I can’t say I relate to all of these issues but I certify relate to some of them. DH has some mental health issues that have impacted our family life. After years of back and forth and some counselling I had had enough and told him I was leaving him. I didn’t say it as an ultimatum, I had every intention of leaving and finally he sought some help.

I felt the same about about not wanting to go it alone with DC etc. but in the end felt like our relationship was a terrible example to be setting in terms of expectations etc for our children going forward.

it’s about 4 years ago and things have improved massively. We are still together and on the whole things are good. I think you either have to push the agenda with him or go. Otherwise it’ll be more of the same. It’s incredibly tough. I don’t think I have ever cried so much in my life as those few months but you need to look after yourself - you’re entitled to be happy.

Not sure why you're asking us. You're making points to back up your decision already, and then asking us to validate you. You already know the answer to your question.

Thank you so much for responding.

I think I’m asking as if there is anything else to be done I will do it. He’s already told me if I ever left he’s fight me tooth and nail for 50/50 custody. And I know they would be shipped off to his Mum’s whilst he works (which is a worry, as she is very absent minded and not very attentive). The DCs don’t see him much so they aren’t bonded to him, and he’s grumpy around them too. But that won’t be enough to deny him 50/50. So
worried about that. He also has glimmers of his old self - so it’s hard. Sorry, I’m sure to you it seems easy, but for me it’s not :(.

That’s really helpful. Thank you so much. I will speak to him again. Did your DH say that when you had these conversations you broke his self esteem? As that is what my husband says when I raise anything , and that’s why I hate raising it. He says he feels awful about himself and I just don’t know what to do.

did counselling help at all?

@Tadah2 Why do you WANT to keep this relationship going? What does he provide that is so indispensable? Why do you HAVE to attend his family do’s? I’m not surprised you’re not happy - it would be very difficult to be optimistic about anything when one’s partner contributes nothing to the warm, loving ambience that makes for a happy home for your two little ones. After all, they can’t leave if they don’t like how daddy behaves.
Youve asked for counselling, he’s not agreed. Why not go yourself and work out why feel you should accept this situation? Or sit down yourself and really think about this life, and what advice you’d give a friend , or your daughter if she was in your position.

I don't think it's easy in the slightest. It's simple, in theory: Poor relationship, and you know it, so, you leave. I know that you know this, from what you've already written.

I do recognise that it's emotionally hard and messy for you, and feels shitty. I didn't mean to minimise that, and I'm sorry if I did.

I wonder if what you need, more than anything, is support in your decision, rather than help in making it? I think you already know, don't you, what you need to do?

Thank you.

Your replies are really helpful. I think if he refuses counselling, I should go alone, try and get my thoughts/worries together. The 50/50 custody is my biggest concern, it’s the main reason why I’m staying, as I know my DCs would HATE it and it would affect their childhood. I’m the fun parent, and the silly parent and the cuddly loving parent and to only get that affection and care 50% of the time would break my heart (I’m not a perfect Mum, but I know they wouldn’t get the attention with my husband).

I think the other thing is I feel blame for a lot of his behaviour, he wasn’t like this when we first met and he mentions things I’ve done that have made him socially anxious (like picking him up on things after the event that I thought were inappropriate i.e., saying to one of his friends ‘oh I heard your kid is a little shit’. His friend quickly made his excuses and left). So I said when his friend left, you can’t say that about his child X. I’ve also asked him to ask people more questions. That has made him anxious and uncomfortable in social situations. Maybe I shouldn’t have picked him up on things, but we were teenagers/early 20s - very different now - I would be more tactful. But I feel I may have caused him to behave this way, and now I’d leave him having done the damage.

He's choosing to behave this way. You don't have a superpower to make him! I would actually say to him that unless he goes to the gp to talk about his depression and gets help, that you just can't do this anymore. I doubt he'll really want 50:50 with the kids if he's not arsed with them now.

Your choice is whether you're willing to put up with this forever or do something about it.

Thank you so much. I’m not sure how to reply, but that perspective has helped. I don’t have a super power, you are right, I’m not forcing him to behave in anyway.

On the 50/50, I’m pretty sure he will. He gets a lot of smoke blown up his behind at work from people who tell him ‘you are such a hands on Dad’ because he has a hold in his diary to help bath the kids (which he helps me with 50% of the time). And he has told me so many times how he is praised at work, despite never waking in the night for either babies, even though my 1st was up every 45 mins for 12 months which contributed to my PND. But he does believe the hype, so I think he would fight me for it.

When you split residency/contact you can add in the right of first refusal so he can't use childcare paid or unpaid without offering you to have the DC in your care. You can also state that 50:50 needs to be worked towards incrementally else it won't be in the DC best interests.

If he genuinely thinks you're so harmful to him, why would he want to stay with you? That's a sign of mental ill-health, staying in a relationship that messes you up.

So, surely, by his own logic, you'd be doing him a favour to leave?