At a crossroads with a friendship

[Feliciacat]

Hi there,

I have a real dilemma with a friendship right now. I’ve been trying to fade things for a while and thought I’d been successful. Said friend now has a boyfriend and is all over me like a rash (I think it’s to make herself seem popular). I have difficult feelings towards her and thought the feeling was mutual but she’s being really nice to me and I don’t know what to do. She’s the type who would be devastated if I said I had hard feelings towards her since she has some abandonment issues.

I’ll try and keep it as short as possible. We’ve been friends for seven years and it was good until a year ago. She was always there for me (and I for her) for the first six years. A year ago we went on a trip and I found myself feeling resentful as we spent the whole time traipsing round shops as she wanted to find an outfit for an event she had. I felt like I didn’t like following her and that that was no longer who I was. Then a few months later, she left some food at my house and I (without thinking) sent her money for the amount. She didn’t say anything about this until a few months later when she said I was always making her feel poor and that she felt invalidated by me as she said not to send her money (I didn’t see her message saying not to until I’d already done it). I was surprised she’d been festering for months about this and it diminished my trust in the relationship.

Then at Christmas, we had Christmas dinner and I came early to help prepare the food. I’d thought I’d be directed in what to do but it emerged that I was making several dishes myself. I’m not a great cook so I under seasoned some veg. She went mad at me in front of the other guests and I felt embarrassed. Then after dinner, the others all left but I stayed as I knew she liked late night chats. She was talking about someone else in the group and saying they were what a bestie should be. She’s also said to me that she wants to join social groups because she ‘needs better friends’ (this in the middle of one of her long and frequent phone calls to me, wasn’t I being a good friend right then?)

She had left a group WhatsApp we were in as she had started the group as a night out group but it had devolved into a board game group as the rest of us hated clubbing. She was very irritated by that. She then rejoined the group when she got a boyfriend because he loved board games. She swanned back in like nothing had ever happened. The fact her and her boyfriend are in the group means there are too many people to play games and too many people to fit in most of our places.

Then a few weeks ago, because it’s hard to host everyone due to space issues, I offered to host all seven of the group. I thought maybe we could all get along. However, her boyfriend made a joke about my dead cat (he said it was appropriate he got hit by a car and was called Bob because Silent Bob was always getting hurt). He also asked me scathingly ‘what are we actually doing? In this group, we usually do an activity’. This was when I’d cooked and brought drinks for seven and opened up my garden and house for them. I thought enjoying each others’ company was enough but clearly not!

So today, after thinking on it for months, I left our WhatsApp group cos it just isn’t worth it to me to invest so much in these people (one I don’t gel with, two are my friend and her boyfriend, the other three who I actually like are people I see separately from the group). I said it was cos I wasn’t very available and that they’d be more able to do activities with less people. All fair enough and nothing bitchy.

My friend has sent me the most lovely messages saying she totally understands and that she’s there if I need her and that she’s happy to see me just whenever I’m free. So now I feel like I’ve been harsh in my wanting to breakaway from her. Im unsure how to have this out with her without hurting her feelings. What should I do?

Bump

Ok, so this is my take. Just because she has now sent you a message, you are questioning yourself. If you want to be more at a distance, then that's your choice, and FWIW I would find this situation hard work, and would be backing off from it. Just because she has suggested meeting, you feel that what she wants trumps what you want? Why is what she wants more important? Where did you learn that other people's needs trump yours? If I was a cynic, I would say that she senses you pulling back, and is trying to pull you back in. I don't think there is anything to be gained by having it out with her, I think that could end badly. I personally would carry on with pulling back, without having a possibly unpleasant confrontation about it.

Thanks @SpongeBobJudgeyPants. Yeah I agree with you. I don’t think anything good will come of it. Especially now that her new boyfriend is on the scene and really is quite rude. We haven’t met up by ourselves for about nine months, we only see each other in the context of that group. I only like 3/6 of the other members and I do see them outside the group so I’m not losing anything by leaving.

She was there for me through a break up and through me becoming estranged from my mother so I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water though. She’s invited me on a night out but said I can leave early and that we can start at 5pm so it’s more comfortable for me. That’s really considerate as she’s only doing it for me. It’s left me conflicted. I’d hoped she just wouldn’t say anything when I quit the group or even that she’d be nasty to me. That would have been easier!

But that would still give her the chance to muck about a bit, or for nobby boyfriend to showcase his not at all amusing bon mots... I would be tempted not to go, and leave it as a vague do something else sometime. Just because someone has been a good friend in the past, doesn't mean you owe them stuff in the future. You can still appreciate that, without subjecting yourself to more stress.

I think you are right. Thank you so much xxx

No worries. I was hoping someone else would jump on and give an opinion, but we seem to have just the two of us.

Hopefully there are other opinions out there. Good luck anyhoo. xx

She (and her boyfriend) sound a nightmare. Draw a line and don't get pulled back in.

@SparklingLime I do think you’re right because it stresses me out being with her. I feel like I walk on eggshells. Yet she can be very sweet like she was today. I suppose there’s nothing wrong with distancing myself; she has done the same before when she was studying and I just accepted it.

As an update for the three of us on this thread (I have really appreciated both of your contributions): I messaged her back and just said thank you for your kind words. She said she hoped I found some Zen today. So the showdown I imagined did not happen haha. I’ll just carry on as is. We don’t see each other outside the group; we’ve become very different people and that’s ok.

That sounds like a really good outcome. And drama-free. 👍

Sound good Op, like you have made a graceful and flexible exit.
The boyfriend character is not life enhancing so I wouldn't choose to waste more time there. You never know, you might become closer again further down the line if you really miss each other/dynamics change.
And if you don't, your life will be fine anyway.

@Villagetoraiseachild totally! That really sums up the reality. Thank you :)

I suspect you possibly are too passive generally. The dress incident, I don't see that you can't have left her to shop on her own and arranged to meet later rather than going along with it while quietly seething.
But then she ramped it up at Xmas, however, I can't help feeling there's a lot of problems occurring based on thoughts and expectations and not much clear communication going on.
It's hard to tell if she is consistently hiding her intent each time so that she can get you to do more than you want to, or if it's a lack of communication.
The way she dealt with the veg situation obviously out of order - whether you got it wrong is open to debate as I'd prefer my veg cooked without any salt, so I'd say she was using you as a stress scapegoat there - cooking Xmas Dinner can be stressful, I know.
Her BF, no sense of what's appropriate, and as they are together and both don't see it, perhaps they are ASD, not everyone has a diagnosis and bandies it around even if they do, some don't realise they are and just wonder why they can't keep friends. So either she's inappropriate and she knows it, or she doesn't. You don't have to put up with it either way, you cat try and keep fading, or ask the right direct questions about what the meetups and activities entail before agreeing to them or politely declining.

Given she varies her behaviour, probably not ASD, she wouldn't be turning on the charm sometimes, not sure about the BF though, doesn't seem like he has any etiquette.

Yes, @Opentooffers its true that I have (previously) been far too passive. This was because I saw it as my role to facilitate other people’s well-being with no thought to my own. It comes from my childhood and I’ve done a lot of work on it. I used to be drawn to people with stress issues and mental health issues as I felt comfortable assisting them; that was all I saw myself as, an assistant.

It was all rather weird, I know! I cringe when I think of it and I am vastly happier now. A few of my friendships have suffered because some people only really saw me as useful rather than liking me for me. It’s only been about 3/12 friendships though because most of my friends were genuine. There’s been a huge behavioural change in me over the last year and it’s changed my whole life. I think things like breaking away from this friend are all part of that.

@Opentooffers thank you for your input. Maybe they do have ASD but because their behaviour is detrimental to me then I still think fading is a good choice (as you said).

I think you are really insightful and have emotionally grown so that you can see behaviors of others as well as yourself but now you are making choices.

It’s hard when you have been raised to fawn over others to keep the peace. I expect as you have suggested this ‘friend’ is a remnant of your past emotional state.

She sounds v ‘push - pull’ - she is being ‘nice’ to reel you back in - but you know she will push you again at some point.

You don’t need these types in your life and you are not obligated to her because she helped you through a breakup - she might have loved the drama.

Keep clear her out to make space for more compatible emotionally healthy and reciprocal new friendships or invest more in your existing nice friends who value you and will add to you self esteem.

I agree on the ‘fade’ as she has shown herself to be reactive and volatile - so no need to poke the bear.

@Muppetshair sorry, I hadn’t been on for a few days. Thank you for your kind words and advice, it means a lot. Have a great day.