My husband and I (together 3 years with 1 young child) generally have a great relationship. We love each other a lot, we laugh, we both work hard and invest plenty of time into each other, our relationship, our home, and our child.
However, when we argue (probably once every 3 weeks or so) we argue big, and I'm wondering if the problem is me.
I find confrontation and conflict difficult, I was in an abusive relationship 6 years ago and it can happen that arguments bring feelings of panic and fight or flight to the surface for me. I am still working through what happened to me then and genuinely want to understand why I react and behave in certain ways, and rationalize how my past experiences influencer my present self.
My husband is a talker and wants to always discuss any conflict and disagreement in intricate detail. I find that in the heat of the moment, for me to do this successfully, I need to take a time out and sit with my thoughts and feelings for 30 mins so I can collect myself. This does not work for me and my husband then accuses me of stonewalling him and calls this behavior toxic and destructive , because he wants to discuss the situation immediately.
Last night we argued. I am 4 months PP and had a difficult pregnancy (debilitating PGP) so we have not had sex as much as usual (probably 4 times since baby was born, it is still painful and I feel my body isn't back to normal yet). He hates this, sex is a huge thing for him and he feels he needs it for us to connect emotionally. Whereas i need that emotional connection to feel sexual with him, and I believe he should be working harder on fostering it elsewhere in our lives given I've very recently had a baby.
He made a comment as I was tidying up the kitchen to go to bed, something like "guess we're not going to have sex then", and I snapped back, asking him not to be led with his penis and that not everything in our lives should be geared towards the goal of him getting his end away right now. It had been a long slog of a day and baby had hardly slept, I'd just got him to drop off and wanted to go to bed myself.
We went back and forth for a couple of minutes and I went upstairs to get a bit of space. He starts bombarding me with his points on WhatsApp, which ive asked him not to do, as that intrudes on my need to get my head clear. I responded a couple of times but we were getting nowhere so I turned my phone off. This meant he came upstairs and started talking to me, I was in bed and repeatedly asked him to leave the room so I could be alone (baby was in crib next to me) but he didn't even acknowledge that, just continued.
Not being heard like this is one of my greatest triggers (I was in a relationship with a narc who played the wildest mind tricks). Not being allowed the autonomy of my own space when I need it really makes me spiral, so I got more and more upset last night and started crying until I was almost hysterical, which woke the baby up and he started screaming too. I picked up baby to comfort her and DH continued to refuse to leave the room as "I don't trust you're safe to be with her right now".
I understand this is just one account of what was an awful situation, and his version of events would be different, but I guess what I'm wondering is if he is right that I am stonewalling him. To my mind, I NEED that space to get my thoughts together and calm myself so I can then have a measured and productive conversation. He feels that by the time I have calmed down there is too much distance from what happened and solutions are less relevant.
He came to bed last night and continued to try talking to me even though I was turned over and desperately trying to sleep. It feels that by doing all this my boundaries are being trampled all over which then leads to me feeling emotionally unheard and unsafe. I hate it and I worry that unless we begin communicating more effectively we won't be able to get past our disagreements.