Can’t get my boyfriend to understand that space isn’t a bad thing

[noisysmellycat]

We had an argument last night over something pretty trivial but we were both super super stressed. Woke up this morning still both a bit snappy and just generally tense.

I said I felt a bit drained and overwhelmed, I don’t deal well with arguments and feel really cloudy and frazzled afterwards. I suggested I go home for a bit, shower, clear my head etc and he should do the same at his. Then we can meet later and discuss things in a better headspace and be better for it.

He got really upset saying that I’ve never needed space from him and it’s a really bad sign. I tried to explain that it wasn’t like that.
He also said that me being drained from an argument/from the relationship is a really bad sign. He said he was tired from lack of sleep but he wasn’t “drained from me”.

He accepted this and I’ve gone home for a bit, but he was really really down and upset.

I just want him to understand that I’m trying to be mature and do what’s best for both of us. How do I explain this to him in a way that he will understand?! He’s always been someone that bounces back from things and doesn’t often need time away but I do.

You've already explained it perfectly clearly.

I don't know you and have only read a short post and I understand what you mean.

What he means is you're not doing what he wants you to do.

What he means is that if he gives you space, you might realise that you don't want to be with him so if he doesn't let you go, then there's no chance of that happening, so why won't you do as you're told?

All of the above is his issue, not yours. I'd suggest that you use this time out to have a good think on whether you want to continue dating a clingon. Personally, I couldn't be arsed with the drama.

Agreed with PP - you've explained it clearly already, he just doesn't like it. I'd be doing the same thing in your shoes and staying at his because he doesn't want you to have space may prolong the argument anyway. Keep your boundaries in place and do what YOU need.

Most men don't work this way. When they want space from you, they are done

People deal differently with conflict. After an argument I need to be close to the person and to know the relationship is still ok. He’s probably reading it as you’re still cross / upset with him.

He probably has a more anxious attachment style whereas you have a more avoidant one?

Hopefully you can understand one another and find a way to meet both people’s needs.

The things that are to him a really bad sign are you having a bit of autonomy. Him being really down and upset - he's trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Be very careful with this one.

I would agree with this. You and him deal with things differently, but I don’t think either of you are wrong or right. I would probably be a bit more like him, I prefer talking and clearing the air than having space and leaving something unresolved.

Maturity isn't something you can explain to somebody. If it was, we'd be able to tell our children to be mature from the age they start to understand speech, and they'd be able to do it.

He has yet to acquire maturity. Decide whether you want that in a partner, rather than trying to change him. He is (the child) he is, and it's not for you to say he should be different. Bit of immaturity on your part there.

Nonsense. Most men you know, maybe. There are plenty who like and need their time and space to get themselves straight after conflict. Don't tar everyone with the same brush. People are all different, and not ordered according to penis-status.

I agree it’s different attachment styles. To some people after an argument, the other person seeming to switch off a bit and want to be alone, can be quite scary, if they have an anxious attachment style, or as you say bounce back quickly and have a need for closeness after an argument. I’d ignore people on here calling him controlling, you just need to understand each other’s needs which can take time. I think what he may need from you right now is some assurance of your love and care for him, and that you aren’t giving up on the relationship, if that’s the case. To him it may feel like a bad sign based on his attachment style or bad experiences. Something to talk through when you are ready so that next time, there is more understanding both sides. Firstly that you need alone time to clear your head, secondly that he may feel abandoned but that’s not what’s happening

Agree about the attachment styles and everyone dealing with conflict differently.

If resolving things in a healthy manner wasnt modelled to him growing up he may find being given space triggers feelings of abandonment or rejection.

In my heart i know space can be really beneficial and i often need it myself, but if the other person requests it i can feel very abandoned and panicked. That's my issue of course but if my partner understands it's easier to resolve.

If the relationship is good otherwise, next time you need space maybe give some extra reassurance that you still love him, want to be together etc.

I don't think it's coming from a controlling place or a red flag on its own.