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Original poster

Old.. ghosted or power play?!

17 replies

Pippipumpkin · 07/05/2023 09:32

I matched with someone last Tuesday. We chatted a bit (nothing too deep), but discovered a mutual interest in a sport. by the next day we had arranged a 1st date to play said sport.
Since then he hasn't messaged once. I sent the last message, just wishing him a good trip for the following day, that was Wednesday night.
Now, I know I could message him, and I probably will. But is it not a bit weird? If you are interested in someone enough to arrange a date, you actually make an effort to message? I left it for the first couple of days as he was on a work trip and didn't want to intrude, but have now have just let it slide because in my experience men will message and chase if they are interested (at least until the first date).
My (male) friend reckons it's a power play on his part. I am more inclined to think he has simply ghosted/had second thoughts.
Either way I am going to have to message, as I don't want to inadvertently stand him up for the planned date (in case he is just really hopeless)!
Thoughts?

OP posts:
something2say · 07/05/2023 14:26

I would not text. Forget the date. he should have clarified it with you. Don't stoop.

ThisIsaNiceDress · 07/05/2023 14:39

normally I’d say give him the benefit of the doubt as people are different but this particular one doesn’t sound too promising…sorry

Watchkeys · 07/05/2023 14:49

Drop anybody who doesn't impress you at every stage, and don't give them a second thought. You're not going to have to message him at all. Why do you think you have to be Ms Polite-and-well-mannered, when he's being Mr You-make-the-effort-because-I-can't-be-bothered-to-message-you?

Watchkeys · 07/05/2023 14:51

I don't want to inadvertently stand him up for the planned date (in case he is just really hopeless

So you'd be happy to have a relationship with him if he's hopeless? Why? Don't you want someone who's good at communicating?

RememberNancyDrew · 07/05/2023 14:54

If you have a firm date set, go on the date. You don't need a bunch of pre-date texting. You'll build a false sense of intimacy.

The most I would do is confirm the date, before the date - maybe day before or morning of. If he doesn't respond to that confirmation text, then ditch.

Zenana · 07/05/2023 15:00

Oh no he is definitely hopeless. Avoid.

Watchkeys · 07/05/2023 15:02

RememberNancyDrew · 07/05/2023 14:54

If you have a firm date set, go on the date. You don't need a bunch of pre-date texting. You'll build a false sense of intimacy.

The most I would do is confirm the date, before the date - maybe day before or morning of. If he doesn't respond to that confirmation text, then ditch.

It's not for you to say what OP needs. We're all different, and she's finding the lack of communication doesn't sit well with her. That's all we need to know. Not what we should objectively 'need'.

WatieKatie · 07/05/2023 15:05

When I was OLD I didn’t put in too much effort messaging, it was more set a date to meet and wait & see how we got on in person as more often than not there was no chemistry.

Have you set a date to do this sport? If not I’d be tempted to message with a date, venue & time and see what he does with that. If he’s slow to respond or can’t make it without suggesting an alternative then don’t bother anymore.

knobheeeed · 07/05/2023 15:11

Either way I am going to have to message, as I don't want to inadvertently stand him up for the planned date (in case he is just really hopeless)!

No, you don't have to message at all.
You have already messaged. He hasn't replied.
So that means he's either
a) not interested/had a "better" offer
b) playing some kind of power game
c) incompetent/hopeless/useless

So what if you inadvertently stand him up? He should have confirmed arrangements and if he didn't that's his problem.

Why would you want to be with someone who is hopeless?
If anything feels like hard work, or if you're unsure what is going on or you're having to chase someone up with texts etc, just leave it.
It shouldn't be that hard.

Catastrophejane · 07/05/2023 15:15

Another perspective here…

if I’ve arranged a first date, I often don’t text much as want to wait till the actual date before wasting too much time and energy texting constantly beforehand.

I’ve done what he has… my reasoning has been that I’ve decided I like him enough for a date, so arrange one. I’ll then get a chance to know them more

Christmascracker0 · 07/05/2023 15:16

OLD is a weird one. Some people like lots of pre-date texting, some people hate it!

He might be one of the ones who hates it and now he has a date “locked in”, he doesn’t see the need to text?

I would text the day before the date to check in and say you’re looking forward to the date the next day. Hopefully he will reply but if not then it’s a definite ghost.

That said, if this lack of comms does bother you then there’s nothing wrong with you cancelling!

JMSA · 07/05/2023 16:13

Leave it! Don't give him the ego boost of chasing him.
If he's interested, you'll know about it.

Original poster
Pippipumpkin · 07/05/2023 17:03

Thanks for your perspectives. Some really interesting comments that have made me reflect on a few things, especially about feeling like I have to text. And the comment from a pp about him being hopeless and would I tolerate it.

For context previous old dates have involved quite a lot of texting and getting to know the basics before meeting. But 9/10 I have then met them and there was little in the way of real chemistry. As a pp said some false intimacy had been created.

The date (day/time/place) had been set. I think I will do as someone suggested and just text tomorrow and find out whether we are still on to meet. If not, no losses, if he is, worst case I spend an hour doing my hobby with a new person, best case he turns out to be more decent and I wil proceed with caution and see what the communication is like going forward.

OP posts:
Urgsleepmoresleep · 07/05/2023 17:16

It’s a difficult one. Depends on how you like to connect. I like a few messages each day just to keep momentum. Just to check we still have stuff in common. But not too many texts as I have a life. Fickle I know.

my DP of a year who I am moving in with and see often I still text each day. I Just like the connection. I don’t stress if he takes ages to answer.

But understand not everyone is like that. I have doomed relationships with people who don’t like to communicate each day and that didn’t work.

I am not needy and confident. I just like to keep in touch with my partner. It’s just shared values

Watchkeys · 08/05/2023 13:31

It’s a difficult one

It really isn't. People are different. If their ways of doing things fit with you, maintain relationships with them. If they don't, don't.

It's really very simple.

NCMum79 · 08/05/2023 13:58

I remember when i was dating one fella asked me out, we set a date, and then he didn't say anything on the day or the run up. Having done OLD a lot at that point I just forgot and didn't go...I got a call from the bar that night asking where I was😂

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/05/2023 15:39

No ! Don’t text him
he’s not interested
book something else if necessary and forget and move on x

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