life with new baby, or something more serious?

[needurgenthelp]

hi all,

am a pretty regular poster, but have namechanged for this. i could really use some mn advice and wisdom!

i'm the mum of a gorgeous 6 month old ds. he is amazing - only 'problem' is that he is a terrible sleeper at night (happy bouncy chap during day though!), i know sleep deprivation can seriously take its toll on relationships, and i know having a child is a massive adjustment - but even understanding all that, i'm feeling so unhappy with dh at the moment i don't know what to do.

have been with dh 8 1/2 years, married for 3,we are arguing the whole time, and not just stupid bickering rows, but 'do we have a serious problem with communication?' issues. if ever we have a disagreement i will try to discuss things calmly, but he'll lose his temper - shouting, slamming doors, or just walking out and refusing to talk. after a recent scene like this last week i sent him an email the next day - sounds a bit mad i know but i thought things could perhaps be articulated more calmly that way. he thanked me for it at the time, but last night (after another row) told me he didn't even read it as it was 'too long!' his solution to any kind of disagreement seems to be to just 'bury' it, and i'm feeling increasingly isolated and lonely that we can't seem to communicate properly. there are certain things that seem to be particularly difficult - i suffer from anxiety after suffering multiple 'out of the blue' bereavements of friends and family...generally i think i cope pretty well with it, and am seeing a therapist to try to improve matters. dh doesn't show any interest in the therapy and last night even said that my 'stupid anxiety problem would drive us apart' (i was saying i am unhappy about moving ds into his own room just now - it is miles away from our bedroom in a ground floor flat in not the safest part of london, so...). we've also had problems with his mother for years - she's caused some major hurt and upset, treated me pretty badly - and while i can appreciate that this has been tough for dh, i feel that he's not actually that interested in my perspective and would rather i just allowed myself to be dominated by her (and perhaps him for that matter). but i'm not one to 'swallow it' to keep the peace, so round it goes...

sorry, this is getting very long but i feel pretty much at my wit's end and am questioning our future. dh is wonderful with ds, and is supportive on that front, but i'm beginning to feel like we've got some major probs. i can't be happy if i feel i can't discuss things with dh, or that he's not understanding/respectful of the person that i am...

i know the exhaustion is really not helping matters, but i'm feeling like it's highlighting some real incompatablities between us, and i'm scared. i'd love to hear what people think of this situation, or any stories of people who experienced something similar, and how they came through it....thanks very much in advance xxx

i had some humdingers with DH in the first few months of DS's life - sleep deprivation, adjusting to a new baby etc so it is usual

But if your DH won't listen and just buries his head then you do have a communication issue which will not help things. It is not supportive for him to say your "anxiety will drive him away"

it also sounds like there is more going on than a new baby - bereavements, unpleasant MIL etc

would he consider RELATE????

gosh, I really feel for you. I had a baby of the non-sleeping variety and I know how sleep deprivation can really colour and cloud your ability to think clearly. It is hard enough for anyone, never mind if you have existing problems with anxiety.

Re the anxiety - it might be worth a trip to the GP. Some ADs are also really beneficial for anxiety, esp. citalopram. I know it's not a long term solution, but might be worth a try to get you over this tough patch.

And re the relationship: Effie Perine who posts here has a blog. I think her words here are very wise.

i hope things get better, and that someone more hlepful will be along soon.

Gosh NUH, I could have written a lot of that post myself. My dd is 8 months and I find myself wondering the same thing with DH. We don't seem to have any time for each other, aren't very tactile any more which he puts down to me still bfing, but I maintain is just a case of needing space after being with the baby all day!

This is a book I have borrowed (but not actually gotten around to reading yet) but it may help.

I think it sounds like you and DH have some issues to work through but IME having a baby changes everything! It's hard to know what is just "baby stuff" and what is more serious. How ever much you try and explain he will never understand what having a baby has been like for you, and I don't know about you and your DH but with me and mine it's often a competition, who's had the hardest day etc. I know that he sometimes just wants his old wife back but I don't think I will go back to the way I was, I feel like I have irreversibly changed, and not necessarily for the better.

Anyway, sorry that was very rambly and not at all helpful, I guess I just want you to know you are not alone in having issue, TBH I think it's pretty normal. Does sound like your DH needs to be a bit more sympathetic. I hope you feel better soon and manage to find some common ground.

Hi all,

Thanks so much for the great responses - exactly Bumper, it is so hard to know what is baby stuff and what it more than that. I've heard about that book and also 'babyproofing your marriage' - I may take a look. Problem is those types of books, not to mention any type of relationship therapy, would make DH run a mile! So again, I feel pretty left on my own....

Perkin - I will consider AD's if I feel the therapy isn't giving me enoug, for the moment though, esp as still BF a couple of times a day, I think I will leave it....

I guess I've just got to see how the next 6 months go, and keep telling myself it will get easier on the sleeping front at least....if anyone has any other words of wisdom about how to get through, i'd love hear them

I left my DH temporarily when our son was 5 months old. Sleep deprivation and the shock of becoming parents almost destroyed our relationship. We had counselling, that was the first thing. It wasn't an overnight miracle cure, but it definitely helped, as we were at the stage where civil, rational conversation between us was impossible without a referee! Our son eventually started sleeping a lot better, too, and that lifted a huge black cloud from over us (particularly me) and helped us see things in perspective. Slowly, things improved. Three years on, I am actually glad that we went through that horrible time, as it has forced us to iron out a lot of the communication problems between us and has undoubtedly brought us much closer together.

The difficulty with men (well one of them anyway!) is that they don't really share with anyone. Like we have mumsnet and our friends to share with so we know this is normal and you just have to ride it out, but they don't know that, especially if they don't have friends they share with. It got to the point a couple of weeks ago where I text a girlfriend who's DP we are also friends with and begged her to get her DP to take my DH out. I think we just needed space and I don't know if they talked or anything but it gave him the opportunity.

Does he go out at all? Maybe he just needs to feel a bit like his life is getting back to normal. DH keeps saying that phrase a lot and I keep telling him life isn't going to go back to the way it was, it will take on a new normal.

That's such a positive story MrsMattie - can I ask you if you had anymore kids after your son? We would like another one or perhaps even two (touch wood and all that - neither of us are spring chickens), but at the moment i have NO IDEA how we would cope (let alone conceive in the first place tbh!) x

I know what you mean about worrying about moving baby to his own room but my dd woke up several times a night for the first six months but after we moved her to her own room she slept so much better. It's also great for you to be able to go to bed without whispering etc and might improve the old sex life too, which makes things seem a lot more copeable with. RE the safety issue are there window locks on? Maybe you could put a decorative grille over too for belt n braces? A baby monitor and movement alarm thingy would also ensure you'd hear anything going on.
Go on, it's worth it!

Sorry Bumper, didn't see your post just then - I know exactly what you mean! Last night DH started saying that he thought DS going into own room would mean we 'got some of our normal life back', i was like 'hmmm, as normal as me getting up all the time and trotting down a freezing hallway'...!

I don't understand what it is as well with men not seeming to understand how beneficial it can be just sharing with a mate or whatever....xx

We've been ttc baby no.2 since last year@needurgenthelp!
I still wonder how on earth we'll cope with two (?!) but the broodiness is overwhelming (seriously didn't think I'd be saying this! I swore no more kids after DS1 was born!).

RE my above post: There was a certain amount of trotting at first, Needurgenthelp, but we also did the shh-pat technique and she started sleeping through...

Thanks again all of you,

Scatter - I know it will have to be done at some point, just feel i don't have the strength for it yet....

Mrsmattie - good luck, i hope you get a BFP soon...

Bumper - I feel like we're the same person! Let me know how you and your DH are getting on...xxxxx