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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I push DH to speak to doctor?

10 replies

Enzoathome · 07/05/2023 07:43

Been married for ten years. Relationship is fine, but not great. We seem to have the same "discussions" over and over and nothing improves. Mostly these are around me feeling that he doesn't make an effort. He doesn't cook, he leaves stuff all over the house so it always looks messy, he forgets birthdays and anniversaries or doesn't bother doing anything for me on these dates even though he knows they are important to me. Plus, he's so focused on work all the time that he is on his phone during family activities, but then complains that our DS7 doesn't interact with him.

I feel that he could have ADHD and I've asked him if he would speak with the GP about it. I've explained to him that if this is the case, there are things he could do to change his behaviour which would benefit our relationship. It would also help me to be more understanding of his behaviour rather than feeling like he's just not trying. But he has refused to look into it. He says he's concerned about the (perceived) stigma of having a diagnosis.

This feels like the final straw as it feels like he's not prioritising our marriage.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 07/05/2023 07:46

He's told you what he's prepared to do and that's nothing.
All you can do is decide if this is good enough or not

GoodChat · 07/05/2023 07:47

This isn't that he can't do better, it's that he doesn't want to. A diagnosis won't change that.

Coffeesnob11 · 07/05/2023 07:57

The thing os even if he has adhd he can still try and help. Adhd isn't an excuse for checking out of life (adhder here). He should be communicating about what he can do to make life more equal. He clearly managed fine at work.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 07/05/2023 07:58

It doesn't matter what the reason for his behaviour is because he's not prepared to do anything to address it.

DustyLee123 · 07/05/2023 07:58

You want change, he won’t engage with you, so you put up or move on.

Patchworksack · 07/05/2023 08:02

I think you nailed it with ‘he doesn’t make an effort’.

Enzoathome · 07/05/2023 09:15

Thank you. I know that you're all right and I need to decide whether to accept him as he is or leave, but I'm not sure how to make that decision and so here I am, staying but feeling fairly miserable.

OP posts:
GreenDressy · 07/05/2023 09:19

Having ADHD wouldn't make him behave like a bit of an arse, which is what he sounds like.

He might forget a birthday, but then when he remembered he would bend over backwards to make it a lovely day, if he cared. The problem seems to be that he really doesn't care at all.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 07/05/2023 19:55

I think you might be hoping there’s a reason behind his behaviour other than him just being a selfish arsehole. But seeing as he’s not prepared to do a single thing, it sounds like he could just be a selfish arsehole.

Endoftheroad12345 · 08/05/2023 00:09

He may or may not have ADHD but that’s not the reason you are unhappy. You’re unhappy because he’s a selfish cock who treats you like shit.

I say this with love having been in the exact same situation, including pushing my (now ex) H to see a doctor for anti depressants as I’d diagnosed him with intermittent rage disorder (or something) to explain his violent rage attacks. He wouldn’t see the doctor, he didn’t have a problem, his problem was me etc etc. Finally I left. Highly recommend.

(Of course he rushed to the doctor then - and couldn’t believe it when I said regardless the marriage was still over)

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