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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I feel guilty for wanting to leave

13 replies

Helloworld3 · 07/05/2023 03:34

Been together 10 years, have 2 kids. He turned into a diff person overnight. Came home one night and told me he needed to tell me how he’s been feeling, then proceeded to tell me a long list of things that he didn’t like about me. He said I’m emotionally unstable, I wouldn’t mentally be able to handle having another baby (I’ve been wanting a third baby but obviously not anymore), I don’t build him up, I drag him down, I don’t encourage him to become a better person and further his career, I disrespect the work he does n money he makes, I don’t listen to any advice he gives, when I get a cold I’m out of commission for a week, when he gets sick he gets up and goes to work anyway because that’s what adults do. He also said he wouldn’t still be with me if we didn’t have kids. I know there’s more I’m forgetting. I actually almost fainted that night because I was so blindsided. For 3 months didnt come home from work till late, started to do things he had never done since I’ve known him like take up smoking pot and going to play paintball with much younger coworkers every weekend, always having coworkers over to the house. I lost 10 lbs over those months because I was so stressed. I know I’m not an angel. I have a lot of leftover trauma from my very controlling/abusive ex that I was with for 10 years. I’m not the best at communicating and I can be hesitant to share any stress I’m under or when I need help because with my ex those things were always used against me. Around when he wasn’t coming home he also started having a “friendship” with a younger girl from work that he insists he never cheated on me with, even though I found out from our son that she had been over to our house while I was at work and my partner never told me. I don’t have any proof that he cheated on me but I think it’s pretty obvious he did. In the middle of those 3 months I would cry, beg him to talk it out, and he would give me the cold shoulder and say “I don’t know” to any question I would ask. He actually wouldn’t look at me in the eyes. For months. Eventually I fell out of love with him after being treated like this every day for months, especially while I was at home taking care of our two kids. It hurt a lot. I would tell him to think about what he was doing because if he keeps it up, I’m not going to love him anymore. He didn’t stop. Eventually, he did stop. He apologized, said he didn’t mean to hurt me, said he would never do it again. The words meant nothing to me. I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore and that I’d be figuring out how to move out and we would have to figure out the childcare situation. He responded incredulously, he said “I have treated you like a queen for 10 years and I mess up once, and you want to throw it all away” “you were waiting for me to mess up so you could say you didn’t want to be with me anymore” “you must have never loved me” and things along those lines. It makes me feel like maybe I’m in the wrong by not forgiving him. I’m sure there was a reason he was unhappy enough to come home and dump on me his feelings that night, and I am not perfect and would have tried to work through the things he was unhappy about. But his actions after that night made me not want to try. If he told his version of the story I’m sure there would be things you would agree with him on like my communication isn’t the best, and I can be guarded. I’m sure there’s more. This is all the shortest summary I could write. But am I in the wrong by not wanting to be with him anymore?

OP posts:
Losingweightissohard · 07/05/2023 04:57

He annihilated your entire being and then gaslighted you into thinking it is your fault!

I would leave this man and start working on yourself and the areas you feel need developing.

Im sure you can find happiness more easily without dealing with him anymore.

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/05/2023 05:08

You can and should leave. You cannot act like he did and expect to stay together. He has most likely realised the impact a divorce will have on his life and back tracked. If you want to leave start getting your ducks in a row and leave. You don’t need to tell him what you are planning.

BlastedPimples · 07/05/2023 06:25

No. You should not feel guilty and you should start divorce proceedings against this creep immediately.

He blew up your world. He behaved incredibly badly. And over a period of three months. Cruel, self serving, vindictive behaviour.

He's tested your boundaries and he wants to get away with what he did. He'll do it again or similar simply because he thinks he can.

Dery · 07/05/2023 07:45

@Helloworld3 - it is so refreshing to hear that you fell out of love with him as a result of his behaviour. That says you now have a very healthy attitude to relationships and how you expect to be treated. It’s also great modelling for your DCs.

He behaved incredibly cruelly for 3 months - he stomped all over your heart repeatedly and smashed up your couple relationship. It sounds like he had fallen for someone else and created a narrative in his head that you were a bad and uncaring partner to justify it. And he did all this in plain sight. He didn’t give a toss how you felt for those 3 months while he consciously ripped your relationship apart and destroyed your ability ever to feel emotionally safe with him again.

He won’t want to take responsibility for this so don’t wait for him to do so - just know that you should feel no guilt. My DH and I have been together nearly 25 years - we’ve had the occasional bumpy patch but he has never behaved the way your H did even for 1 day, never mind 3 months.

Good for you, OP. Keep going with your decision. It’s absolutely the right one.

Wakingonsunshine · 07/05/2023 08:06

This is "The Script" in classic form.
What a bastard
Divorce him. This is ON HIM and not your fault.
He is having an affair. Clear as day.

Helloworld3 · 08/05/2023 05:04

Thank you

OP posts:
LadyH846 · 08/05/2023 05:31

I agree with previous posters that he had a relationship (or at the very least, was interested in having one) with someone else, and he said those cruel things to you to justify his behaviour. It's what cheaters do.

You're not in the wrong for not wanting him anymore, your reaction is completely normal. How could you ever trust this man with your heart again after the things he's said to you?

Fimofriend · 08/05/2023 06:23

And do call him out on his BS if he claims to have treated you like a queen. Has he made an effort with your birthdays, or done even close to a fair share of the daily chores? Has he been fair when it comes to money? Does he keep up with the daily administration?

Bivarb · 08/05/2023 12:43

Don't let him get to you.
When he starts his rubbish about you never loving him, just shrug and say if you say so. Keep repeating that you don't love him anymore. Tell him to go back to the little girl from his work because you don't give a shit anymore.

He's going to make you the bad guy to make himself feel better. Let him. He's not your problem anymore.

See a solicitor for advice and get your ducks in a row. Be honest when people ask about your separation. You really have no need to cover for him and its likely he'll try to throw you under the bus.

Be prepared for him to get nasty, but it will be worth it to be free if him.

Act as if you are single now. Lead separate lifes, cook and do laundry for yourself and the kids. Take the kids out at the weekend without him.

He treated you appallingly, don't feel guilty for one second.

Bivarb · 08/05/2023 12:57

Also, has he even explained why he did it? Midlife crisis? Having an affair or at least trying to?

Violasaremyfavourite · 08/05/2023 13:03

He's only back because the young woman he was having an affair with or angling to have an affair with has probably given him the old heave-ho. She probably woke up to the fact that she didn't want a relationship with an ageing pot-smoking married man who was having some sort of midlife crisis. His colleagues are probably laughing at him for trying to relive his lost youth.

I would have left him the moment he told me that he wouldn’t still be with me if we didn’t have kids. He really meant that to hurt. He said everything he could think of to really hurt you. Does that sound like he really loves you? You really shouldn't forgive this behaviour. You shouldn't stay married to him. If he has done it once, he could easily do it again in future and you'll be dealing with this behaviour when you're older and tireder.

WateryDoom · 08/05/2023 13:09

Don't look back. Don't feel guilty.

He did this to himself. Well done on having the guts to decide you're not going to be treated badly.

Lurkingandlearning · 08/05/2023 13:17

He treated you like a queen, then he didn’t. You loved him now you don’t. Simplistic, but maybe it needs to be that simple for him to get it.

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