Separation - a year on.

[Fourhorses]

I've been separated from my husband for close to a year. It has been such a hard year and years preceeding that. Married for 7 years before we split and we have two kids 7 and 5. We split as there was no emtional connection at all or once we married it quickly became evident that we were two different people. We married stupidly too quick, 2 years in and maybe both saw the goodness and decency in eachother but failed to see that there simply wasnt enough between us.

All that said we remain good to eachother but to be honest it is so grim. The kids are being great and brave but I dont think eiyher of us are coping well missing the family unit. I dont have a good support system and I dont live where I grew up. It has been such a tough year.

If I could do anything to make it work I would. But when we are together it is like we are on two different planets as individuals. That said we are good parents together and practically very together and supportive. We both work and also both completly prioiritise the kids. I am finding it so hard seeing the over and back to houses, seeing an unsettledness constantly in the kids. As a family I think we are more isolated socially and I really dont want the kids to suffer any more or in the future because of this.

What do I do, I am at my wits end. Am I not brave or strong enough? How can I make myself love him and enjoy his company. I really dont understand why we married.

Just to add when i saidi dont know why we married. I honestly wanted to marry him. But maybe i overlooked our differences or didnt realise how they would play out.

Anyway I am just still reeling in stress and exhaustion that I cannot seem to beat and I dont know how to improve the situation.

In what ways are you so different?

Having children changes the dynamics of a relationship. Could it be you are both just expecting too much of each other?

Have you tried any kind of relationship counselling at all? You have two kids together and you say you parent well together. That should not be taking lightly. Obviously you need something for yourself too. Did you get to spend much time together before the separation? Did you argue all the time or just lost the spark?

What can you do? Honestly OP, if the two of you don't work as a couple and you both know and accept that I think the most helpful thing would be to just make your peace with it.

Fifty percent of marriages fail in this country and of the remaining fifty that stay together, a lot of them (from what I can see) bumble along being not massively in love or even particularly compatible, but they just don't want to get divorced. I remember reading a quote from a famous actor (can't recall which one), who was asked what the secret to his long marriage is and he replied 'We didn't get divorced'. I know it sounds cynical, but I think that's not far from the truth for many couples.

The other thing I'll say is that one year in isn't very long. It sounds like you're all still trying to find your new normal, still feeling quite traumatised and discombobulated and that's okay! But don't try and rekindle a dead fire for the sake of missing the family unit. You've done the really hard bit and it sounds like you and your ex are doing a pretty good job of keeping civil and joint parenting effectively. So now maybe start to think of ways that you can move on - if only mentally - and start building a happy life for yourself and your kids without pining for what it sounds like you never really had with your ex anyway - which was a happy family.