I don't love him like he wants me to

[Carby86]

Just wondering how to help someone understand that I still care a lot about them and love them, even though it is not the type of love they want.

For history, partner and I are in the initial stages of a separation having been together for over 15 years and have 2 young kids.
The path to this point was a mix of him making a massive mistake and not dealing with it how he should have (no remorse, lies, no attempt to make amends, go to therapy to work on issues at the time etc) as well as "death by a thousand papercuts" with me feeling overwhelmed in my role as a parent, wife, running the house and just feeling unsupported and the driving force behind every decision that we ever made.

The mistake happened a while ago and I hoped we could move past it, but I think the aftermath was what dealt the biggest blow that I just can't get over.
Now I don't hate him, I'm past all that, he is a nice person who messed up, the kids love him and I do too, but as a friend.
That physical/sexual element has just gone and that just isn't a marriage for me.
My issue is that I don't want him to start on a downward spiral. There is a life after me, after us. He deserves to find happiness and can. I worry that he has rose tinted glasses for what we currently have thinking that it is what marriage is for mid 30 year olds.
We still live together and I feel comfortable around him so I am hoping that we can make some choices together to get both of us in the best position for what comes next. It's important not just for us but for the kids that they see us care about each other and that we are able to provide for them afterwards.

At the moment though, each time I bring up the separation his mood spirals, and I know it's not my job to deal any more, or worry, or help, but it's just the decent thing to care for someone you care about.
Any ideas how to tread that line so I don't send mixed messages, so we maintain the best relationship we can for the kids etc etc.
He has been a big part of my life (over half of it actually) so it's important that he is able to "soar" in what comes next. And if he doesn't want me in his life then that's fine, I'd respect that, but until he says otherwise I just want to help "lift him"

You can’t unfortunately it’s down to him to lift himself, might be worth putting in boundaries and having space away from him.
Its really admirable your attitude towards going forward especially for your children x

At the moment though, each time I bring up the separation his mood spirals

Of course it does because he's doing his level best to manipulate you into staying, which is just another example of how he puts himself before you. Bottom line is that you have to accept the fact that he will be very unhappy. Oh well. He should have thought about that before he fucked up.

I think you’re being quite naive.

Of course he’s going to be upset and you’re prolonging the agony for him by staying under the same roof to get yourself in a good position to leave.

One of you needs to move out, so the healing process can begin.

@1111A we usually spend evenings apart doing our own thing, but day to day its just getting the kids ready so is more both of us working together.

@BackAgainstWall i think I am aware that we can't move on until we separate and are very in limbo right now which isn't good for either of us. But we aren't in a position for someone to move out, we would need to sell and get 2 homes which is a big thing to sort and needs planning and investigation. And at the moment he feels he can't afford anything and is a downward spiral on that front too

Have you considered marriage counselling?
Not to repair your marriage but to work towards a resolution.
It might be helpful for you both to talk through your issues with an impartial person.

You can’t expect to be able to leave someone and them be happy about it. Leaving is difficult and it’s not his job to make it easier for you. If I were him I think I might feel quite patronised by your desire to manage my emotions.

Braking up a relationship is painful but like ripping off a plaster the quicker you do it, the quicker you both can move on. Living in limbo when you know it's over & he keeps on hoping that you will change your mind is being cruel to you both, better to get it over with, that way he isn't building up his hopes & so you can get organised to sort everything out. Make a decision, tell him it is over & one of you find somewhere to live.

You need to detach OP, emotionally at least even if you can't physically separate for now. What you want, to care for him through the break up, is not realistic and will only make the process longer and harder for you both. You can't (and shouldn't) protect him from the consequences of his own actions.

You both need to accept that you are not each other's go-to person anymore or neither of you will be able to move on or even move this separation forward. I get that your intentions are good but it would actually be kinder to both of you if you withdrew your 'care' for him and made it crystal clear that this relationship is over.

Even in a friendly divorce, if you are the one who wants to end it, it's just really hard on the other person and you cannot do anything about that except stay - which is what he is trying to manipulate you into.

He wasn't tinking about your mental health when he was refusing to take responsibility and apologise, was he? Time for him to reap the consequences of his own actions, and there is no reason on Earth why you should make his problem your problem.

You are divorcing and you need to separate yourself from him emotionally and energetically, otherwise you'll still be married, whatever a piece of paper says.

I'd also agree couples therapy with an open mind. You don't actually sound separated at all.

You need to be in separate housing. I assume it was you that wanted the divorce and he is just living in hope. You can't fix him for it.

@BeenThereTooo yes it is me initiating, we haven't started the legal process yet. We haven't told the kids yet either as from everything I've read it is best to tell them when there is a definite next step so as to still give them some security.

@YouTarzan i take your point. You are possibly right as I think I can be quite dominant in relation to communication and being able to understand my emotions. Would it be better to just stop trying to get him to face up to this, stop trying to do this in a considerate way and just make my own plans and follow through and leave him to deal with himself?

@Izzabellasasperella we had marriage counselling last summer and it felt quite pointless. I had hoped it would actually resolve and help me get passed everything but it was very wishy washy and really didn't dig into the depths of our issues and why things happened etc.
I have encouraged him to seek some counselling on his own so he can come to terms with things.

I guess everyone is right in that we aren't really separated right now, only in words.
We still live closely in the same home (it's not big) and because the kids don't know we eat together and try and be a family as much as we can. It does feel that this is the best interests for the kids right now even though it isn't the norm and is hard on us.
It's difficult to balance the best for the kids at the moment and how to navigate the next steps.
I just feel awful for being the one making this decision regardless of what actions led to it, it just cuts me up a lot and I just want to make it the easiest transition possible even though I know it will be awful.

You need to some professional help

either a divorce coach or a marriage counsellor (but saw that didn’t work )

you can’t do this on your own basically

@Thisisworsethananticpated is that not just going to spend money that we need to physically separate though. I have tried to encourage him having some support for him to process the situation as I clearly further along in the acceptance than he is

I think you need your own separate therapy. Contrary to you saying he’s a nice person, you’ve made it clear that he hasn’t been all that nice during your relationship. You’re even the driving force behind supporting him to feel better, and neglecting to think of yourself and your own sanity above his. This is a habit you must break, and therapy will help you to put up boundaries with him, and to understand why you’ve had such a long relationship with an unsupportive man who takes no responsibility for anything and is a liar.

Get your ducks in a row and don’t concern yourself with his feelings because even with the best will in the world he is clearly incapable of facing things and has never considered your feelings - to the point where you now want to separate. Progress the separation and don’t get bogged down by him, as his behaviour was the death of the relationship. Don’t assume that someone who’s actions cause you to not want to be with them, will magically be fair and reasonable and responsible during a spilt.

IME my EXH ramped up all his previously shitty traits to max level when splitting. You don’t deserve to have his emotions on your shoulders, just get out.

@theWarOnPeace i did have some individual therapy pre marriage counselling and I think that's what helped me to come to terms with the fact that I just cant let go of what's happened in the past. I was advised to pause it for the couples sessions (which were with someone else) and haven't been back because by the end of the couples one it seemed like we were on the same page, but then his opinion seemed to change.

How much can you start visually/physically separating in the house, OP? For example can you have separate bedrooms - with your children sharing a bedroom if necessary? Stop doing things in the house which is just for him - eg laundry, ironing, insurance/tax renewal or other admin for his car? Can you see a solicitor, or go online and start the divorce process? Check entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits, if any, you'd be entitled after separation/divorce? 🌹

OP,

Him falling apart at any mention of separation is controlling and manipulative behaviour, remember that.

You cannot do this without some upset.

If he is determined to make it all about him and cause unnecessary drama which will hurt the children, then you cannot stop him.

From what you have written he has made poor selfish choices and not taken responsibility and his behaviour regarding your suggestion to separate is more of the same.

Step away from managing him.

Start getting yourself as organised as you can.

Get the house priced.

Make it clear to him that if he chooses to put himself ahead of the children it will do them long-term damage that either you nor they will EVER forget and will ensure you do not remain on good terms.

He sounds like a very selfish man.

Start making what plans you can.

Can family and friends support you in any way?

@Newestname002 we have been in separate rooms since October with the kids sharing and we lead separate lives in the evenings once the kids are in bed.
We eat together so share food costs and same with washing as otherwise we'd be doing half loads all the time which increases costs.