Lonely, sad and anxious

[Cloudsandsky]

The title says it all really.
i have no friends locally and no close family apart from my Ds (16).
I’ve tried meting people through social groups, etc but find them cliquey. I’m not someone who easily socialises and I only feel connected to very few people. I’ve tried dating but nothing long term.
im also very anxious about some things, worry too much about work and if I make a mistake and I overcheck things, not just at work.
ive tried various forms of counselling with no positive effects and have started antidepressants.
i work full time - most of my colleagues are ok but they’re not friends.
Apart from my son, I have virtually no meaningful relationships.

I'm sorry you feel like this OP and I have to say I totally get how you feel. I think there are a lot of single people out there who feel this way as their children get older.
I often feel the same and try to reach out to anyone I can for a coffee, cinema trip, whatever. But it's tough and I spend more time alone than I would like.
I just wanted to acknowledge your post and say you're not alone in feeling this way xx

@Catlover100 thank you and I’m sorry you feel this way too.
ive tried contacting people I’ve not seen for a while to suggest meeting but they’re either busy or don’t reply.
DS is often out at the weekends now so can’t plan much with him - totally normal I know. I just feel totally overcome with loneliness and anxiety about work and the future.

I'm in a similar situation. My ds is 15, I'm a single, full time working mum, so I don't get much time for socialising.

But ds will head off to university the same summer that I retire, and I will suddenly have no work and ds will be away. I've tried MeetUp groups and I suppose I could try again, but somehow they weren't very interesting. I've given up on dating after a run of unpleasant men. I'll probably get a part time job, but I can see loneliness approaching. I know how you feel 😐

I have looked at Meet up groups but where I am they seem to cater for younger single people, people with little children or older, retired people. There isn't much in between. Although I don't have that much time to go to stuff at the moment anyway.

I don't particularly want to date, I would prefer to invest the little spare time I have in cultivating friendships which might last longer. But that seems easier said than done.

Unfortunately if its not something you often do or enjoy... it will be difficult to change.

Consider part time job, volunteering or take part in hobbies. Loneliness is really especially as you get older

@Guavafish1 thanks but I already work full time in a demanding job so no time/energy for more jobs/volunteering!

Try going to your local pub - you’ll get to meet people and make Friends .
Thats what I did when I relocated .

Loneliness is when you don't keep yourself company. It's not really to do with other people, and why you can feel it around others, and people often don't feel it when they're alone.

When's the last time you did something that made you feel glad to alive? Dawn walk? Pyjama day? Learned something new? When's the last time you did something that, if someone else had done it, you'd have said 'wow, amazing!'?

Start your own meet up group then for older people, then. Meet up literally exists to help people find their tribe!

Yes, you can sit with all the solitary men gazing at their pickled eggs whilst you wait for fun to arrive.

That’s because when kids get older people don’t really make friends through their kids anymore kids have their own independent friendships that no longer involving the mums. I’ve heard peanut is the same and more aimed at mums with babies / toddlers so friendships are actually driven by who the mums are friends with

@Watchkeys not in the pubs I go in !

People I know who've turned it around have joined a few hobby clubs. You do have to put time into it. That's the problem a lot of the time; we don't have any time. One friend of mine is into cross fit training. Her gym is really friendly and they have socials as well. Another is in an art club. Both say they've tried a few different things and kept on with ones where they like the people. Over time the friendships develop.

How about an exercise group? I recently started yoga and there are lots of women who go to the same studio who are friendly.

I think many people underestimate the effort it takes to make and sustain friendships. If you're serious about making friends you will need to put the work in. I have some lovely friends of 30+ years' standing (met when our DC were toddlers) but I became frustrated that due to work shifts, health issues, financial constraints or basic lack of interest in doing anything cultural, when we meet up it's now generally me doing the travelling and we just have lunch or meet for coffee. I wanted to go on walks, to concerts, to the theatre, exhibitions. So, I set up my own Meetup group (having tried a couple of local ones that weren't a good fit for me). Mine was for women aged 50+. It was a bit scary and I had a few false starts, but it grew, and after a couple of years I transferred the group to facebook (which is free). We're a small group but there's regularly 6 or 8 of us meeting for theatre trips, weekends away etc. It's really improved my life and I still see my lovely longstanding friends too.

If you're serious about this OP, you need a plan of action and to view it like a project. Good luck.

@TheNecessaryWoman I have thought of doing this myself because I think there must be more women in my position locally but have been a bit apprehensive.
When you say it was scary and you had 'false starts', do you have any tips on setting one up? Are there any pitfalls that can be avoided? Thanks x

I agree with @TheNecessaryWoman - I would say that I've really noticed how hard I have to work to keep everything ticking over with older friends now I'm in the young children stage.

A plan of action is good. If you bite the bullet and put the work in it will definitely pay off.

I would start with what makes you happy.
What hobby would you enjoy doing? I have tried all sorts of things: ceramics, painting, riding, yoga, Pilates. Is there anything you’d fancy doing if you felt brave enough?

Start there, try out a few places offering this thing. Which one feels good enough for you. With my children’s hobbies we have tried 3 tennis coaches, 3 gymnastics places, 4 swimming places etc eventually you find the best one for you.

Then keep going if you go to the same place, friendships will evolve.

Hi @Catlover100, I've sent you a PM.

I'm in my mid 30s and I found they were either full of very young people (students really between 19 - 25), or at least 50 +. In the one group that wasn't like that, it was 70% is seemed. We went out for a meet-everyone type of night, and it was awkward. Lots of men with their eyes darting across the room nervously at the few women-folk there were there 😣

70% men I meant to say.

😂

In my area, if I went to the pub alone, I would predict younger men looking at me confused as why you're there alone, and older men 50+ looking longingly or lustfully at me. Going to cafes alone in urban areas is not that unusual, but here it definitely is. I've only seen it once. No one my age group (30s) does this.

And that is why I set up a women only group. I'd had a similar experience in mixed sex groups, plus men tend to dominate any group they're in.

Trouble is, so few women's groups are actually women's group now. It's more like women, and whoever says they're woman. A lot of women I think are too scared now of setting up single sex groups, and with good reason.

Try Facebook then. They've just set up a woman's walking group in my area (after seeing a mens only one) not my kind of thing so haven't been personally