Why do people disappear once they ok

[Oldlady62]

Ive always helped friends and relatives out. Lending an ear for any problems. One place I worked in I was like the agony aunt. My phone never stopped ringing once I got home either.
Ive listened to people...sent them cheer up cards and gifts .
Ive never begrudged any of this til now because Ive come to realise that once they ok they drop you. Ive not heard from 3 of my friends for a few weeks and yiu know why ? Cos they happy again.
I can look back and think that maybe a part if that is down to me but in future they can go whistle Dixie !
I honestly dont moan to people. I post stuff on places like here instead. So its not like Im competing in emotional olympics. I wouldnt want to burden people already having problems with my stuff.
It just makes me sad

I have no solution OP but just wanted to say that you're not alone. I'm in the same boat. Everyone comes to me to vent but when things are ok they forget about me. And I have no friends to vent to. At times it makes me very sad and lonely and, in all honesty, I think I have value to others only if I'm useful to them. Sad but true. Oh well.

So I'm sending my sympathy OP. At least we have MN if people in RL are not interested in us.

Never a truer word said. Ive had enough for now sadly

Same here. I just gave up. I guess we went so long without friends' support that we might as well carry on as we're used to. The other day another coworker came to me and started venting about her weekend. And did she ask "how was your weekend"? Of course not. The story of my life. Sending hugs OP.

Funny enough, i saw someone who i used to be close too the other day, we were both in our cars but she didnt see me. I said to the kids “oh theres X” and the kids asked why they dont see X anymore? I said, sadly its because X has a fella these days and shes too caught up in that, im happy for her but for years ive held her up, been a shoulder to cry on etc. i mean, it is nice not to have her cycle of bad choices going round and round anymore that i have to listen too, advising the same old same old. Sometimes people only come into your life for a bit and you just move on

You are right, I have been reflecting on the ‘friends’ who have used us and disappeared over the years after shoulders to cry on, free holidays, lifts to work, childcare and references for jobs and businesses.
Sad, but I’m very wary now.

Maybe you do need to lean on them a bit when you have problems - the ones that scatter to the four corners are the ones who can go whistle Dixie in the future. The ones that are there for you, like you are them - they’re the proper friends that should be cherished. Give them the chance to reciprocate your kindness before writing yourself off as an unpaid therapist and them as shit friends. Open up a bit to them.

Do you ever get in touch with them just for a natter, catch up or to arrange a night out? Maybe they think you see your friendship role as counsellor so don’t want “to bother you” when things are good in their lives.

It becomes a lonely world being the strong, silent one all the time, sitting waiting for a call to arms.

I have a friend who finds himself in a similar position. He is everyone's emotional support friend but often finds it difficult to become a 'proper' friend.

Personally, I think it boils down to that whole people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime thing.

Many people have friends who fulfill a specific role - the friend/s you go camping with; to the theatre with; meet for coffee; go to the pub with etc. Sometimes those people overlap but not if it is a big part of who they are or the friendship.

So I have friends I can have a laugh with and talk seriously with. But there are others I'd talk about serious things with but wouldn't even consider asking to a gig because it just wouldn't occur to me to do so.

If you position yourself as the emotional support friend by always being there, listening, comforting, sending cheer up cards and gifts, then people may not not automatically see you in another friendship role. Maybe not the first person they'd think of when they want to chat shit in the pub, go to lunch with or have a laugh with.

Does that make sense?

Have you tried reaching out to some of the same people when you are in a tough moment?

I have been guilty of this, from the other side - contacting friends when I have a dilemma I need two heads to solve. But I realized that some don't reach out to me in troubled times, so tried to reassess. I now try to reach out in good and bad moments, and not overburden others.

It depends what kind of friendships you want to have. If you want emotionally supportive friendships I would try and see how others respond to your own hard moments. Some may be great.

Otherwise, try and conserve your giving energy for those who are there for you.

Oh gosh, absolutely relate. I'm a people person and love being there for people. But so many people only want you when they're down. I now only bother with those who bother with me.

I was doing this earlier

The friends I house sat for years
Took their dog
Helped every time they needed airport drop offs and pick ups

And when my life went to shit - nada
Not even a message
I always wanted to send them a message and say how rude they are

Just blocked and moved on

Some people are cheeky bastards

Another got tonnes of free holidays off me in the house in a large farm

Sod that we never even got a thank you
Once I actually couldn't put them up so paid 100 per night for a hotel for them as a single parent

Fck that shit

Symbiotic relationship though isn’t it. You were getting something out of it as well that’s why you enjoyed it to a point - being that help that reliable person that person without boundaries who’d drop everything to help….

not criticising, just helps to reframe it sometimes, it’s fine to just be a friend and not solve everyone’s problems. Perhaps reflect on what events in your life have made you think that’s your place.