My husband bullied me until I left him

[Bolle065]

My husband and childhood sweetheart bullied me until I left him. He's with another woman now, who is the physical type and hair colour he admired through most of our marriage.

Last night he finally gave me answers about why, but they are so personal that I can't talk to anyone about it in real life, and I've got to wait nearly a week until I talk to my counsellor.

He wanted me to dominate him in bed, and didn't feel able to vocalise that. So he bullied me and let me down when I needed support. Over and over again.

Up until this point, most times I've discussed it with friends, they have made it about weight or losing weight. I don't even think I'm particularly big. I'm very tall and a 14/16. Everyone's made it about my failings. Why I wasn't good enough.

I feel very tired and very sad and very inadequate. I am the one paying for this. I have to give him a chunk of money from the house I paid for while he sets up with someone that suits his penis better. I'm running out of time to have a child. My whole future evaporated, just like that.

This is the pits.

Feeling tired and sad is normal. Feeling inadequate is part of the been bullied feelings you got right now. Don't have much advice other that you need to take care of yourself. If he has bedroom preferences that you did not know or don't like that is one thing. Blaming you and bullying you has little to do with that. Blaming you for it is a excuse of his own insecurities and crap. Don't fall for that. It will take time but you will be fine. Take care of yourself and do not overthink. I know is easy to say but do not overthink and indulge yourself doing things you like to keep you busy.

Last night he finally gave me answers about why,

No, he gave you the excuse that he can live with. He's trying to absolve himself of blame because he knows that he didn't treat you well. I would take it with a large dumper truck full of salt.

All part of the cheaters script. If he had wants and needs he needed to give you the opportunity to see if that was something you wanted to do.

What an absolute bastard for bullying you. Please don’t start believing his bullshit. He is trying to turn it on you. Please don’t let him.

Now you have your freedom, that is a positive

Everyone's made it about my failings.

That's because it's easier for them than to admit your husband is wrong, for whatever reason. It was ever thus. It says so much more about them than you

I agree with @Xoxoxoxoxoxox - don't believe what he's telling you. Some of the crap my ex came out with about why he was leaving me was laughable. They convince themselves of anything to avoid taking any responsibility.

I am the one paying for this. I have to give him a chunk of money from the house I paid for

Do you have a shit hot lawyer? You shouldn't be having to pay him if you have paid for the house, surely he is owe you?

while he sets up with someone that suits his penis better

The new one is suiting his ego better, his penis is irrelevant.

You have bìgger things to worry about than having kids. You're not in the mind space for that right night now. You have to make yourself whole and happy first. Kids don't fix that and shouldn't be used for that purpose. Lest you simply pass your own low self esteem and general damages onto them. Sorry.

The good news is that- He didn't treat you like shit for a any other reason than he.is.a.dickhead.
Stop asking him anything. Everything he says is designed to hurt you. He likely tells the new woman that SHE isn't his 'normal' type, btw. Because he gets off on ruining women's self esteem.

Step away from his social media. Block all contact with him. Be thankful you aren't tied to the wanker via parenthood.

Life isn't a check box of get married, have kids, grow old together. Its a journey to become the person who does right by herself, always. Who loves and respects herself. Otherwise all that other stuff is just a plaster over a gaping wound. And you let bad people like him get in to your world and cause you to rot.

My advice to you would be to consider getting a proper holiday. Maybe even going on a solo travel adventure. Something either spiritual or very physical. Something to snap you out of this self loathing rut and help you find yourself again. Maybe take up running for the endorphins.

Because right now... youre being a martyr - and I don't feel sorry for you. Not in the slightest. You're a grown adult, you've left someone you know was a bully and you're not only still wallowing, you're still in contact with him!

Come on now op, this is your life, take charge and fix it. You obviously have courage. You left the prick! So dig deep, stand up and get back on your path to freedom and self love.

Ps: anyone who tells you your bully of a husband treated you that way because of your weight - is not your friend.

Either they have their own deep seated self hatred to deal with or they are made from the same material as your ex.

Unfortunately, once we've got rid if one toxic person from our life, we often look around and find out there are other varieties of them in our families or friendships.

Do a clean sweep of these sort.
You have to learn to love yourself. And you can't do that with people like that around.

Who are these dicks in your life saying he left because of your weight or something you did or didn't do?

Your husband or ex husband is an arsehole.

He says he wanted to be dominated yet dominated and belittled you? He's full of shit.

Divorce him and take him to the cleaners and work on your self esteem, you're free.

Use a sperm donor and have your baby op, life your life to the full because it's all yours now and you don't need to share it with an inadequate partner.