Sometimes "communicating" is the worst thing that you can do.

[Dinglydangle]

It's taken me a while to realise the sort of man I married. I am not going to use any labels at all, but I'm referring to the sort of man who twists your words, ties you in knots during conversations, denies what he's said, gaslights, backtracks, turns the details around and spins the tables back on you.

He has the outward character of a kind man. Most people would not believe the communication Olympics that happens in our house over the smallest thing and the sulking and emotional neglect which follows.

He doesn't shout, he doesn't call me names, he isn't outwardly abusive at all. He's manipulative.
But to the outside world, he's a caring, kind hearted gentleman.

I've posted here many times over the years and posters have correctly pointed out time after time that we have a communication issue. And this is 100% correct.

Then last week, during one of our serious conversations, I actually had a panic attack during a conversation as my words were twisted again, he said hurtful things then proclaimed 10 minutes later to never have said them. I was accused of imagining he'd said things. He got pedantic when I repeated his words back to him and used "instigate" rather than "initiate" and he refused to tell me the word he'd actually used so I barely slept that evening trying to remember the precise word he had used.

I was made to feel completely unheard and misunderstanding and the following day after the conversation, panic attack and lack of sleep, I became mentally unwell. I had to then be seen by a mental health professional. I have been having these same manipulative conversations with him for almost 10 years. There is never common ground, there is never a solution, I always feel more confused by the end.

I just wanted to post here to warn other posters about advising women to "just communicate" as some men (and women of course) use it as a weapon for emotional abuse. And eventually, we crack. It is invisible and you feel like you're going crazy. I told the mental health professional last week "I wish he'd just hit me instead."

I won't be communicating with him for a while but I will need to at some point because I have left him. I feel better at having space from him and I'm finally thinking clearly. I wish that communicative abuse was more acknowledged and understood.

Well done to you for all of your courage. When someone undoes your truth repeatedly it's so hard to stay connected to who you are and what you think, feel and want.

Well done leaving him.

Every word one says to these fuckers is a bullet back to you. Say nothing. Give him no ammunition.

He doesn't undo your truth. Your truth is just that: yours. If he doesn't believe it to be true, that doesn't make it any less true to you.

I used to make notes on my phone and also at times actually recorded conversations because I knew what would happen.

I got out, as the op has. But in the meantime do not EVER doubt what you heard or said. It happened, no matter what he says.

Well done for getting out. I have a similar husband who everyone thinks is lovely but since I've stopped caring his mask is slowly slipping in front of others.

Don't believe any promises he makes to try to lure you back. You've got this

I could have written your post word for word. The only difference is I sometimes have to suffer verbal abuse. It's not pretty. I can't leave for various reasons age being one of them and all that entails. I've now learnt to keep my mouth shut for the most part and as long as I don't disagree with him we plod along in this nightmare.
I should have left years ago, I almost did and have lived to regret not doing so. Our story isn't unique but the moral is leave early it only gets worse. So pleased you have been brave.

This resonates so much. My ex did it too, but also used to try to remove words from my vocabulary that he didnt like and say I wasn't allowed to say them. I wasn't allowed to ask him questions or tell him to do things and he made up his own rules around words that only he could use and me and the kids couldn't.

He would lecture us constantly and we weren't allowed to talk back. And he would make up his own meanings for words, even though I majored in English language for college and university and worked as a proofreader for a while, he'd tell me my definition was wrong. I used to hide a dictionary to refer to just to check my sanity and Google things I knew to double check the meaning. I felt like I was going crazy and people would say "calm down, it's just a word, men don't like to be corrected" and I'd feel even crazier. So glad I left. We now only communicate for the children in writing.

I'm so glad you've left him. As far as the future goes, do you have to communicate with him directly? Can you work through a solicitor for the divorce and through an intermediary afterwards? Or limit all communications to written form (texts, emails)?

I know the mind-fuck of dealing with someone who can twist your words around until half the time you end up not knowing what you said yourself! I was lucky in that my exH and I had no children so once the divorce was final I never had to see or speak to him again. Thank God! But a good friend ended up telling her ex she'd communicate either in writing or she would insist on having a 'witness' to any discussions with him. Didn't completely solve the problem, but drastically decreased the level of abuse.