What have I done wrong, making friends?

[Naranjas]

Can someone who is better at making friends than me please advise what I’ve done wrong here?

My son (age 6) was at a school friend’s birthday party when I met the mum of another boy who lives in the next street to us. I thought it would be nice to make friends so our kids could play. So I invited her to bring her son round for a play date. She did, then she invited us to her house the following week. Great, I thought.

She said she’d signed her son up for a summer football club and suggested my son might like it, so I signed up too. It started this week and I was standing on the sidelines when she came over to say hello. She said her DH had also come and they were sitting with the parents of two other kids the same age. “I must introduce you some time” she said. Then her kid yelled for his drink and she walked off and didn’t come back.

I could see her sitting on a bench with her DH and the other parents, chatting and laughing. It seemed weird for me to just march over without being invited. So I didn’t. I figured she’d come and speak to me at some point, maybe say come and sit with us, but she didn’t. Her DH went to grab a coffee at one point and said “hello” to me as he passed but nothing more.

I left it a couple of days then text her to ask if the kids could play some time over the bank holiday weekend, but she replied sorry I’m working. It seemed like a brush off because even if that’s true I presume her DH could have brought their son round to play.

Basically I don’t know what to make of this, or what I’ve done wrong. All I know is my failure to make friends with other mums is affecting my son because he has no other kids to play with.

You haven’t failed to make friends. You’ve done everything right. Chill out on it - she’s working - don’t over analyze and try again another time xxx

You haven't done anything wrong. I don't think it would have been wrong to go over and join the group but it's not wrong that you didn't. It sounds like you're developing a relationship with this woman. That doesn't mean that her DH has to have a relationship with you. He might not be as social as her, or that is just something that's her domain. She's told you she's working so take that at face value. She can't be at work and visiting you. We all have times where we are more available than others. I don't see a problem here.

Neither of you has done anything wrong. She’s working, it would have been more of a brush off if she’d sent her husband for a play date. They’ve probably got plans this weekend.

Try not to worry so much. Give it a week and see if she gets in touch. She’s done nothing which suggests she no longer wants to meet up or get to know you, she’s just busy.

What pps said. Also, you don’t need to be friends with the parents for your children to play.

Take it easy OP. Friendships take time to cook. Don't stand over it waiting. If she contacts you that's good. If she doesn't wait until you bump into her and invite her DS. Don't push though.

I think making friends is like dating men - pays to have lots of irons in the fire.

Friendships take time to cook.
It’s been about three weeks since our play date. I left it because I didn’t want to seem like I was hassling her to bring her kid every weekend. I’m totally puzzled by her saying “I must introduce you some time” then not introducing me to the other parents when we were all standing there for 90 minutes on the same football pitch.

Also, you don’t need to be friends with the parents for your children to play
Then how am I supposed to arrange for them to bring their kids round? How are they supposed to trust me?

Also I should have said that I’m autistic. I have no friends and don’t know how to make them. I’m trying my best so my son can have kids to play with but I’m clearly doing it wrong. A fortnight ago I texted a lady at my craft group and said you were talking about your son who’s the same age as mine, would you like to go for coffee some time and the kids can play? Thought we might have something in common as we’re both married mums and we like crafts. And she replied yes great, thanks for reaching out, I’ll text you next week when I’m available. And then she didn’t. And I don’t know if I’m supposed to reach out again or leave it.

I’m trying so hard and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong 😩

"""I could see her sitting on a bench with her DH and the other parents, chatting and laughing. It seemed weird for me to just march over without being invited. So I didn’t. I figured she’d come and speak to me at some point, maybe say come and sit with us, but she didn’t."""

This exact situation happened to me, years ago, although not at football.

It really threw me and I decided that anyone who can allow me to stand alone and not invite me to chat with their group, isn't someone I want to be friends with.

So I didn't further the friendship.

I find that people want others to take initiative. Come over and chat with the group. If you're standing there by yourself, maybe you just want to be left alone at that time? People don't read minds. We're not kids who need to be taken by the hand and led over to make friends anymore.

You have her contact details, so you can contact her to arrange a play date (as you already have). She can stay and have a coffee or not while the children play. If her child is happy to be left, she need not stay. No friendship required.

Don’t piggyback your own social life onto that of your child.

The thing you don’t mention at all is whether your child even wants to see hers? At that age, I would only ask another child DS actually wanted to have to play.

I think you're doing great OP. You've not done anything wrong. I really feel for you.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I was really struck by this sentence that you wrote

I’m trying so hard and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong

Because this is what my autistic daughter (17 yo) says to me so often, and how I have felt when trying to make friends all my life. I am autistic too and trying to make friends has often been difficult and painful. I do have a few good friends but even with them I am unsure a lot of the time. Looking back I think that it takes years to build a friendship and it's best not to overanalyse (impossible I know!).

Can you get involved in the PTA at your son's school? I've made friends through joint activity more often than just by chatting, which I find so difficult.

The thing you don’t mention at all is whether your child even wants to see hers? At that age, I would only ask another child DS actually wanted to have to play.
DS is on the waiting list to be assessed for autism too. He doesn’t really have preferred friends. He’s happy to play with anyone who’s willing to play with him. I feel sad for him, he’s so pathetically thrilled if I’m able to arrange a child (any child) to come and play.

Some ideas:

There's decent evidence that the best way to make friends is to see people often. Walk your dog in the same park every week, meet the same people and gradually, imperceptibly almost you become friends.

Playdates aren't the only way for kids to play. 'Friend' doesn't have to mean someone who invites you to their house. In fact, they're quite an unnatural, pressured way to play. (Can you tell I am not a fan?)

Beavers/cubs/scouts are perfect for less socially competent kids because there's adult scaffolding and less pressure. Or any other club he'd like. Climbing? Drama? Football? Choir? Warhammer? Minecraft? Forest school? Doesn't matter what. He can have footie friends and dance friends and... A good afterschool club is also a godsend here.

Finally, lots of autistic people prefer socialing with other autistic people. (Look up double empathy theory) Is there a group near you?

Finally, lots of autistic people prefer socialing with other autistic people
I don’t want to socialise for myself. I want to socialise specifically with mums who have boys the same age, so my DS can play with them. So it’s not about what I prefer - it’s for his benefit. I can’t just make friends with people I see regularly such as other dog walkers - they need to have kids around the same age as mine.

Is it necessary for you to socialise together with him? Does it have to be a parent child mixed social get together? You might be limiting your options if you require this. In my experience it's less common for parents to get together for children to play after 4 years of age. Time-wise, a lot of parents don't want to be entertaining after school or in the weekends. They prefer to have the children playing and them supervising while they get ready for dinner or do work or whatever needs doing.

You might find more luck if you are able to have children to you home or drop your son at someone else's home, without the parents also having to spend time together. Maybe half an hour at the park with another mother and child is not too much time occasionally? Otherwise, in my experience anyway, the norm is for visits to other children's home at school age, without the parents having to be friends as well.

You have done nothing wrong, but I would have properly gone over and asked if they minded if you joined them, made a joke about feeling like Billy no mates.
As for the craft lady, I have a few friends like that, I just accept that sometimes I have to chase up.
It's hard trying to make mum friends, some are easier than others. I have made friends via ASD support groups, some I'm still in touch with now our kids are grown up! The kids got sick of parent arranged play dates by about age 8/9 and choose their own friends by then. It gets easier as they get older as most won't require a parent to come with, so kids can play while you drink tea and scroll MN