Lonely after DV

[FcukTheDay]

My first time posting here and I am not sure what I am after from it. Perspective? Hope?

I have been in an abusive relationship with my ex partner since I was 13 and I am now 34. It's had good periods and bad periods.

Everything came to head yesterday where he was at his worst, wouldn't let me go to work and trashed my house. I called the police and he was bailed to stay away from my house.

I am so confused. I have never lived alone. I have children but have never lived alone with them. I am also frightened that he will come back. I also miss him and I don't know why? I feel guilty for everything. I think am a bit of a mess and I don't understand all of these emotions. I feel like something is wrong with me.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you've been through and immense amount. No wonder you feel scared and out of your depth.
You need to breathe and take one day at a time. Things will become less scary. If he comes back, call the police, don't hesitate.
You are on the first steps of a wonderful new journey for you and your children. It's sounds so far away, but in six months time, things will be easier and you will be happier than you can imagine..
Consider doing the Freedom Programme, I think you could really benefit from it..
Lean on friends and family or any support you have. You can do this! You've done the hardest part!

Thank you for your kind words.

I am going to take your advice and take one day at a time. On reflection, he was seriously mentally ill and whilst I was in the intenseness of the relationship I couldn't see that.

The children are very upset, they didn't really know how bad things so they understand why he isn't at home anymore. The way I have explained it to them is that some people get ill with their mental health and they need help. By Daddy being here, he wouldn't have got that help as I was doing everything for him so he didn't have to face up to reality. Like I earn all the money and Daddy doesn't got out, he hadn't been outside for 2 years. So this way, now Daddy will be able to get the help he needs and I need to give him space so he can make himself better.

Do you think that sounded ok? I am not great at this.

That sounds good. Depending on how old they are, you could cut it down without explaining your role in it, just that Daddy is very poorly and it's not good for him to live here, so this way he can get the help he needs. And while it's going to be an adjustment for you all, you will get through it and each become healthier.

Take yourself out of the equation- you're taking responsibility for him again, you know.

I think you've done a great job explaining to your children. How old are they? A simple Daddy is not well, and is getting help will probably suffice. Children are amazingly resilient and adapt well to new situations, especially given this situation has the opportunity for Mummy to feel much happier, where you can focus solely on yourself and your children's well being.

The guilt you're feeling is so normal. But you have to rationalise it. You know this is for the best. You know you can't be responsible for someone else and the way they chose to behave, albeit the way the behave to you or the way they treat themselves. We can only do so much time help those around us, but ultimately the buck stops with them. These feelings will pass.
Use this board to sound your feelings, it's amazingly therapeutic just writing things down and getting them off your chest..
One day at a time lovely..