Do husbands return after separation?

[Helpots]

I’ve already posted a lengthy post but in a bad way today.

marriage has been on a spiral for 8 months, husband suffers with depression. He left for 4 weeks in January/February, then again 6 weeks ago tomorrow. He’s told me he doesn’t love me and has wanted out of the marriage for a while (although prior to this most recent separation, he was also telling me he loved me and wanted to work at the marriage too).

he’s living with his parents, he’s blocked all contact with me. Wants space/time before he proceeds with a divorce, won’t agree to sell the house until DD finishes uni next year

I am bereft

has anyone been in this situation and have they managed to salvage their wreck of a marriage, especially when their depressed OH is saying it’s over and doesn’t love you?

Why do you want to?
Why do you want to relive this experience over and over and over (as that's what will happen)?
Would you not rather take control of the situation and make this be your decision instead of waiting for him to make his?

@QforCucumber thanks for replying. Basically because I don’t want my marriage to end. Only been married 4 years, my whole world and future has been torn apart. I am so in love with this man

Hi op, is he getting treatment for the depression?

@Stressybetty I'm unsure. He has a counsellor and was doing online CBT, he doesn't want to take anti-ds after a bad experience a few years ago (lifelong depression arising from childhood issues, which he now denies but attributes to me)

This is just a repeat of your other thread, do some work on yourself esteem, he has treated you appallingly..if you feel better in you self you may find bad that no you don’t want him back. Nothing as satisfying as telling someone who comes crawling back that ‘no you don’t need ant to be with them anymore’!

@Throwncrumbs its not that easy though. I’m suffering with my MH at the moment, I’ve never felt like this in my life. I never planned for this, yes he has treated me appallingly but for the best part of our 13 years, he’s been a good man. I want to know whether it’s worth hanging on before I give up. Is that so bad? I married for life, just 4 years ago

@@Helpots your posts are so heartbreaking. I can sense your pain from your words and the false hope you cling to.

You are in love with the man you thought he was and the life and future you thought you'd have together.

But he hasn't been that man for some time if your posts are life accurate. You can't keep hoping that one day the depression will lift and he will be there happy and in love with you again.

It just doesn't happen like that. Depression, especially when untreated, can make your feelings numb BUT it doesn't fully erase love.

Your DH has told you he does not love you anymore. He wants a different life. Maybe to even wallow in his depression bubble for a few years.

5 years from now he won't suddenly decide to love you again. Love must be nurtured and fed with all those moments and intimacies that keeps us bound.

He isn't with you mentally, emotionally or physically. T

Try to seek out therapy for yourself. You are struggling to let go because you have hope he is fixable but even on the other side of his mental health struggles, nothing will be the same.

You need help to properly mourn the loss of the love and life you had. 🌸

I know this is hard to admit to yourself but the life that you wanted isn’t going to happen. The marriage you envisaged isn’t going to happen. If he comes back, you’re not going to get that life. You’re going to get a life of uncertainty, fear, worry that he doesn’t love you. The ‘choices’ aren’t between splitting and the ideal marriage you’ve got in your head, the choices are between splitting or a difficult, uncertain marriage. Do you want to spend your whole life wondering whether he loves you or not? You deserve better. You deserve more than someone who tells you that he doesn’t love you and that you cause his depression.

This is such a kind post and sums everything up concisely. I am seeing a counsellor and I’ve been referred to MH teams - I’ve never suffered with my mental health before and it’s ironic that it’s his MH that’s brought me to this point. I had to go hospital 3 weeks ago as I was so low

really struggling in all aspects of my life. I used to be so confident and strong and now I feel nothing but sadness and pain and it’s neverending

Im going away with my DD next week so I’ve sent him a polite email asking whether he’s going to look after the house - completely ignored - it’s as though I’m worthless. I’ve done everything for this man to try to give him a baby, operations etc. I’ve stood by him through his depression and moods, and I’m left with absolutely nothing.

I owned my own house when he moved in with us, and I sold it to put towards the deposit on our family home. If I’d have stayed put, I’d have an affordable home so one less worry, but he encouraged me to move with the promise of commitment of marriage (he proposed to me just before we decided to move)

won’t agree to sell the house until DD finishes uni next year

Is this your shared daughter? My guess is he has met someone else but is waiting to see if it works out.

I think you have to take him at his word and accept the marriage is over. How old are you both? Are you financially independent?

@DanceMonster thank you. I’m devastated. I had to pick my life up at 23 when my DD left us, I seemed to have so much resolve back then, I don’t know where that girls gone to. I’m now 43 and thought my life was secure and now I’m faced with starting all over again at my age. I’m the only single person in my family and group of friends, I feel worthless

You’re absolutely not worthless. You’re strong and capable. You just need to find yourself again.

You feel worthless because he makes you feel worthless—thats not his depression talking that is his cruelty and contempt for you talking. Pull yourself together and see a solicitor and figure out how to get out of the marriage financially whole.

@Livinghappy my bio DD, he’s raised her since she was 7 and she refers to him as dad, he’s been a very good dad.

I don’t think he’s met anyone else; he’s holed up in his mums spare room (his mums confirmed this), he’s told me he doesn’t want any interaction with anyone and just ‘wants peace in his head’

I’m not on a bad wage but not enough to run a home on my own and live the lifestyle that we’d given one another. He’s a higher earner. I’ve supported him thru his career, I’ve purposely not progressed my career and salary because of TTC/fertility treatment

I’m 43, he’s 44, it’s our birthdays in July. Can’t believe he’d want to walk away from adult life as he turns 45

@pikkumyy77 I am a family solicitor! That’s what’s making it so much harder, I don’t get an escape in work. Just come back in after 2 weeks sick leave

Helpots, I'm sorry you are experiencing this. His lack of response is about him, not you, dont allow him to control ypur feelimgs. At some stage you will see this differently but will take a while to get there.

You are still young, have a daughter and potential of a great career. When you get distance from him I think your view on his behaviour will change. Is he still going to work?

@Livinghappy is 43 still young? I thought my life was mapped out securely - he encouraged me to renew the mortgage in august and discussed retirement!

Yep he's going to work, which I find bizarre - he's clearly unwell, he has a couple of hours sleep each night but does 10 hour days and travels around the country. He's told me (and his mums confirmed) that when not working, he's sat in his mums spare room. His time with our daughter is now reduced to being her taxi driver. He hasn't taken any consistent time away from work in about a year

Andrew G Marshall has a book called I love you but I’m not in love with you
https://andrewgmarshall.com/i-love-you-but-i-am-not-in-love-with-you/

(He didn’t come back and went on to have a kid with the woman he left me for, sorry I don’t want to hurt you but this often happens due to their head being turned)

OP the pain of separation is unavoidable, that's something nobody can deny but you're adding unnecessary layers of additional pain with your interpretations.
No, you are not worthless just because your relationship broke down.
It doesn't matter who in your circle is single or not. That's irrelevant to your life.
This man or any man will not and should not be your whole life and only source of your self worth and stability.
Love is not enough - a right partner needs to treat you well, have similar values, be dependable and love you back.

You have to focus on you now. You're going through a huge upheaval and you need all the support you can get. 43 is young, you have another half of your life to look forward to, you have a daughter, you have a job and hopefully you will be able to move forward in your career.
It's hard enough so please be kind to yourself and trust that no matter what you will be fine. 💐

I am afraid that you can't hold on to people who want to leave. It is a very hard lesson that many of us have to learn at some point in our lives. The absolutely best thing to do when someone wants to leave is to let them go. Genuine letting go means showing kindness to yourself and respecting yourself as a human being. It means standing up for yourself and saying that this is not good enough for you and this is not what you deserve. It actually makes the parting easier as well as you aren't accepting them leaving after begging or debasing yourself, which can effect your self-worth for many years to come.

It is sad and let yourself grieve, but also put your best foot forward, let him do what he needs to do, and take one day at a time. You will move on.