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Original poster

How would you handle this situation with a work colleague?

29 replies

Weddingpuzzle · 05/05/2023 09:43

Context so not to drip feed: I got promoted within the same organisation but different team last summer. Moved office. Went from a worker to a manager role. Manage a small team of 3 who all do different roles that contribute to the programme I manage. When I moved offices I moved to a desk in an office with an administrator who is 'part of the furniture' - she has been there years and works across programmes, including providing admin support for my programme. We hit it off well and have some life experience in common. She is a decade older than me. I considered her a close colleague - I'd say I am more friendly with her and my direct line manager more than any other colleagues - so much so that they are invited to a significant event coming up in my life. The only people from work I wanted to invite.

So I have noticed in the last 3 months she has made a few comments about me being 'further ahead' in life than her. She was referring to our jobs, my education and general family set up. I didn't want to patronise her or really comment on it because what can I say really? I just said something benign like 'Different things happen in life for different people at different times, I was in the gutter 9 years ago.'

I think she has started to resent me though. There have been 4 separate work social situations since Christmas that I suspect she has organised and emailed round the organisation inviting people to and I have been left out of. Other colleagues have mentioned the events as in 'Oh it's so and so's maternity/leaving/big birthday drinks on Friday isn't it so I will see you there.' I just smile and nod whilst thinking 'I have no idea what you are talking about' - shall I just ignore and get on with it? I don't want conflict and I am not really bothered about socialising with work mates but I also feel like I am being a bit naive inviting this woman to things when she seems to be actively excluding me. WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingpuzzle · 05/05/2023 09:48

Just to add, she is perfectly nice to my face in the office.

OP posts:
JennyStr · 09/05/2023 14:13

Weddingpuzzle · 05/05/2023 09:43

Context so not to drip feed: I got promoted within the same organisation but different team last summer. Moved office. Went from a worker to a manager role. Manage a small team of 3 who all do different roles that contribute to the programme I manage. When I moved offices I moved to a desk in an office with an administrator who is 'part of the furniture' - she has been there years and works across programmes, including providing admin support for my programme. We hit it off well and have some life experience in common. She is a decade older than me. I considered her a close colleague - I'd say I am more friendly with her and my direct line manager more than any other colleagues - so much so that they are invited to a significant event coming up in my life. The only people from work I wanted to invite.

So I have noticed in the last 3 months she has made a few comments about me being 'further ahead' in life than her. She was referring to our jobs, my education and general family set up. I didn't want to patronise her or really comment on it because what can I say really? I just said something benign like 'Different things happen in life for different people at different times, I was in the gutter 9 years ago.'

I think she has started to resent me though. There have been 4 separate work social situations since Christmas that I suspect she has organised and emailed round the organisation inviting people to and I have been left out of. Other colleagues have mentioned the events as in 'Oh it's so and so's maternity/leaving/big birthday drinks on Friday isn't it so I will see you there.' I just smile and nod whilst thinking 'I have no idea what you are talking about' - shall I just ignore and get on with it? I don't want conflict and I am not really bothered about socialising with work mates but I also feel like I am being a bit naive inviting this woman to things when she seems to be actively excluding me. WWYD?

First of all, congratulations on your promotion!
In my opinion, if someone can't celebrate the success or happiness of a friend (even just a work friend) then it says a whole lot more about her than it does about you. Maybe she's lacking in self confidence, who knows what's going on in her life at the moment, maybe she herself was passed up for a promotion. Regardless, she shouldn't be making you feel bad about your success just because she doesn't feel as successful. It's petty jealousy and the fact that she's not even confident enough to have you around her at work events screams low self esteem.

Is there another colleague that you could ask to forward invites to work social events to you? You only have to say that there seems to be an issue with you not being able to receive these emails from admin. If she is deliberately leaving you out and making you feel bad then what she's actually doing is bullying you! Team building is important especially when there is only a small team, and to exclude one person because you're jealous is pathetic.
You're not responsible for how she feels about herself, and you definitely don't have to feel any guilty for your success.
If it continues, or gets worse, I'd ask a colleague or HR to facilitate a meeting with you both where you can discuss and get to the bottom of this.

Original poster
Weddingpuzzle · 09/05/2023 14:36

Thanks @JennyStr I think it is deliberate actually after hearing what she said today - I questioned her about the mat leave meal I was left out of (not in a accusatory or direct way, I played the fool and said 'I haven't contributed to a collection') and in her words the meal was just for a 'small, select few'. She then proceeded to tell me how drunk she got at another work colleagues party at the weekend so it seems I am being isolated from team socialising. Which is fine and now I know I will just accept that I have acceptance that I won't socialise with work colleagues and keep them at arms length.

OP posts:
W0tnow · 09/05/2023 14:40

I’d be honest when colleagues assume they will see me at an event. “No, I’m not going. I wasn’t invited”. Smile and shrug it off.

Napoleonsjosephine · 09/05/2023 14:41

Weddingpuzzle · 09/05/2023 14:36

Thanks @JennyStr I think it is deliberate actually after hearing what she said today - I questioned her about the mat leave meal I was left out of (not in a accusatory or direct way, I played the fool and said 'I haven't contributed to a collection') and in her words the meal was just for a 'small, select few'. She then proceeded to tell me how drunk she got at another work colleagues party at the weekend so it seems I am being isolated from team socialising. Which is fine and now I know I will just accept that I have acceptance that I won't socialise with work colleagues and keep them at arms length.

Why would you just accept it. Don’t let her bully you.

TemptingTess · 09/05/2023 14:42

Firstly congratulations! Secondly, previous to this dud you socialise outside of work? Did you go to these events? At our office we have a group "Teams" chat and everything is announced on that.
If not, then it highlights people being left out deliberately.
So sorry, this should be an exciting time for you. Unfortunately, when people show you who they are, believe them

Original poster
Weddingpuzzle · 09/05/2023 14:55

I did socialise yes, but I was in a different team - still the same organisation but a different sub section IYSWIM. Everyone was invited to that. There is no official teams social group or anything - it is left to happen over email by whoever organises.

I want to accept it and get on with it for two reasons really - one I don't want to give her the satisfaction that this bothers me as it's far too mean girls and I don't want to feed it (she's a 50 something woman who should know better tbh and I wonder if there is something else going on with her and do I want that drama?) and two, I only have a year left on this contract and then I can apply for the next level up, which is what I have been aiming for all along and why I took this job. It's a stepping stone to the next promotion having re trained. I don't want to make any HR waves when I am only here for the next 12 months. So my plan was to put my head down and get on with it and play the long game.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingpuzzle · 09/05/2023 14:58

REALLY wish I hadn't invited her to my big life event now! You can't really uninvite people from your wedding though can you? Grin

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 09/05/2023 16:13

She's being rude and unprofessional, I know it's a team meal but she's deliberately leaving you out, and it is business related.

I'd say 'I seem to have missed out on all of the team meals/leaving drinks lately, can you check your lists to make sure other people aren't being missed also, I'd hate for anyone to be left out and feeling like it's deliberate, and I do love a good knees up'

Then if she does it again I'd speak to her manager about it and then pull her invite to your wedding

VirgoQueen · 09/05/2023 18:19

I'd uninvite her! Who the hell would want that biatch at your special day. Say the same to her. "Oh we decided only to keep it small" 😏

DoWaDiddyDiddy · 10/05/2023 00:36

Absolutely you uninvite her to your wedding! You know, select few and all that ...

Shoxfordian · 10/05/2023 05:04

It’ll create a bit of an atmosphere to uninvite her to your wedding. People often don’t want to socialise with managers though so maybe that’s what’s going on here. I think you should have invited your whole team or none of them tbh. Remember it’s just work; you’re not there to make friends

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/05/2023 05:37

I would definitely uninvite her. I'd try to get some evidence of what she's up to first though.

AlisonDonut · 10/05/2023 05:48

Two questions
A - do you line manage her?
B - are other people at your level also at these events?

Lengokengo · 10/05/2023 05:49

I wouldn’t uninvite her, it creates far too much drama which will very negatively impact on you both practically in your everyday work life, but also reputationslly. Look on it as a sunk cost. It’s done. You invited her in good faith, and you still have a year to go seeing her at work all the time.

It’s a bit mean girls of her, but I would just keep the peace and move on. Once you are in the new role, you don’t have to have any contact again.

BackAgainstWall · 10/05/2023 07:01

I think you’re right to keep your head down and not react. It’s only a year and it will soon fly by.
She’s just not worth causing any shadows over your good character/reputation.

I think on balance I wouldn’t uninvite her because it’s bound to cause bad waves.

I’d absolutely hate and resent her being there, but I would keep sight of the better good. The bitch just isn’t worth having a bad impact on you.

I think it actually gives you a lot of power over her, because she’ll have no idea that you’re in control and playing her to have a smooth ride to where you want to be.

💐💐💐

growgrowinggrown · 10/05/2023 07:48

In my workplace we have a culture of not inviting managers to events unless it is a specific work thing.

I don't want me team feeling on edge like they can't relax because I might hold them getting drunk against them or something similar.

If it is something super big and im begged to go I will show up for 1 drink then make my exuses and leave.

I'm not being isolated, but I am also not there to be friends with my direct reports either, it muddies the line.

TheNachtzehrer · 10/05/2023 07:50

Aren't you her boss, though?

It's normal for the manager not to be invited to things. It's your job to manage people, not be their bestie.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/05/2023 07:52

Pit her in a different box

she’s a colleague and not a friend

keep it businesslike and professional only

and as a manager start to politely address the exclusions

is she arranging via WhatsApp or outlook these events

put some boundaries in place

Original poster
Weddingpuzzle · 10/05/2023 15:40

Nope. I am absolutely not her boss. She isn't line managed by anyone AFAIK - she does some admin work for my dept but does that for lots and I don't give her work. I am the middle manager type of thing. My line manager goes to these things, as do other managers. In fact her keeping my boss close is a big thing for her. She fan girls my boss.

But you are all right. Not friends. Colleagues only. Lesson learnt.

OP posts:
TheNachtzehrer · 10/05/2023 16:09

What kind of lax setup is this org where an admin doesn't have a manager? Who would fire or discipline her if she misbehaved or was made redundant? If no one is managing her, no wonder your interpersonal dynamics are a mess.

TheKobayashiMaru · 10/05/2023 17:10

I would address it but subtlety, probably by a joke here and there. If you are being deliberately excluded and other managers at your level and above are invited, then that is bullying and not acceptable.

Opentooffers · 10/05/2023 17:29

If you want to be able to network and go out to do's that colleagues have, this shows that the best way is to make friends with your colleagues. You say you are only friendly with her and your line manager, so perhaps change that. The colleagues having the do's surely have the say on who comes, could it be that they have not told her to list you on the email as they don't know you that well? She could actually feel awkward that you are not being invited.
You can easily find out who is leaving you off the list next time something is on, go to the person who's having it and ask them direct if it's OK for you to come, if they say "yea, no problem", then tell her to put you into communications about it, if she still doesn't, you have your answer.

Fraaahnces · 10/05/2023 17:37

I would definitely pull out the “I assume you don’t want to come to my wedding then, Barbara. That’s okay. I’d really rather use the space for one of my real friends.”

SheilaFentiman · 10/05/2023 17:38

Are you sure she is the one who organised all 4 of these things?

If so, I actually would say something - “hiya, I seem to have dropped off the email list for leaving dos and things, could you check and add me back on?”

(it is possible, though unlikely, that you have been missed by accident if she has, say, included “all marketing” “all sales” but missed “all account managers” or whatever when building the list!)