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Original poster

Newly Single - Him not Me

18 replies

DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 05/05/2023 08:41

Sorry this might be a long one...

Back story - I met a friend of a friend at a football match a few years back, we've spoken online every now and again about the games and a bit of chat but absolutely nothing flirty or untoward as I knew he had a partner (I don't know her personally). I had no idea they'd split up until he asked me for a drink - just as friends but I wouldn't have gone if he'd still been with her.

We met up and quickly realised that although we said it wasn't a date it very definitely was, the chemistry was absolutely insane (had never actually seen him in that light before and didn't know much about him). I've spent quite a bit of time with him since including him staying over at mine and so obviously we've talked about his situation...

Turns out he'd only been single a couple of months when we met. It was a 14 year relationship and they have DS 10 and DSS 20 who he brought up. I joked about being a rebound and he told me definitely not but I can't help but worry. We've kept our dating fairly quiet as we live in a small town prone to gossip and I don't want to be disrespectful towards his ex whatsoever. He moved out of the home they own together but she still drives one of his cars and they are pretty much in constant contact as DSS is currently in hospital. I'm happy they have an amicable relationship still but I do worry about them getting back together and me getting hurt, or him not really being ready to move on after such a short period of time... but on the other hand we really do get on so well...

Help!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/05/2023 08:51

If you're not comfortable, you won't be able to have a good relationship. He's telling you it's not an issue, but you don't believe him. That's the issue really: not whether you're right or wrong, but the feeling of doubt.

Healthy relationships start with a massive 'YES' on all counts.

Catlord · 05/05/2023 08:54

Enjoy it slowly but protect yourself emotionally. Don't let your imagination run away or daydream over how great this is. Sounds like you genuinely get on and his intentions may be good but he has a lot on his plate.

I understand about being discreet for a bit as there are kids involved but don't allow this to become a secret hookup situation (unless you want that). He needs to manage his life so that he can treat you respectfully as well as his ex if things do progress, introducing you to friends, family etc at the appropriate times. If you're looking for a normal, open (as in overt, not seeing others!) relationship and he can't provide that as his son is ill then he needs to be clear.

If you're getting keen in him and want to protect yourself, I wonder about asking whether he would like you to put things on hold until DS is out of hospital then pick things up more openly? I obv don't know your full circumstances but get the impression you have more to invest than he does with his separation and kid's illness.

Are you finding yourself being a sounding board about his problems or is he managing to make your time together mostly about the two of you? Not being overly negative, I think just tread carefully and keep your boundaries.

Original poster
DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 05/05/2023 10:09

Watchkeys · 05/05/2023 08:51

If you're not comfortable, you won't be able to have a good relationship. He's telling you it's not an issue, but you don't believe him. That's the issue really: not whether you're right or wrong, but the feeling of doubt.

Healthy relationships start with a massive 'YES' on all counts.

Thank you, that's a really good point and I never thought of it like that. I struggle to trust things at face value due to bad experiences in past relationships but I accept that's a me problem and not him. He's definitely giving me a YES

OP posts:
Original poster
DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 05/05/2023 10:17

Catlord · 05/05/2023 08:54

Enjoy it slowly but protect yourself emotionally. Don't let your imagination run away or daydream over how great this is. Sounds like you genuinely get on and his intentions may be good but he has a lot on his plate.

I understand about being discreet for a bit as there are kids involved but don't allow this to become a secret hookup situation (unless you want that). He needs to manage his life so that he can treat you respectfully as well as his ex if things do progress, introducing you to friends, family etc at the appropriate times. If you're looking for a normal, open (as in overt, not seeing others!) relationship and he can't provide that as his son is ill then he needs to be clear.

If you're getting keen in him and want to protect yourself, I wonder about asking whether he would like you to put things on hold until DS is out of hospital then pick things up more openly? I obv don't know your full circumstances but get the impression you have more to invest than he does with his separation and kid's illness.

Are you finding yourself being a sounding board about his problems or is he managing to make your time together mostly about the two of you? Not being overly negative, I think just tread carefully and keep your boundaries.

Thank you, that resonates a lot with me. I think we've both been taken by surprise by how well things are going considering we never really saw each other in that way previously. He's made it clear it's not about hiding me away (and he has told some of his friends so it's definitely not a total secret). Unfortunately I think it will be a long term hospital admission (mental health).

He has thanked me for helping take his mind off his current problems and making his life more fun... we do talk about our problems but it doesn't become the main focus of things. (It helps that I have a friend currently in the same hospital who I'm supporting)

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/05/2023 10:41

It's not a 'You problem', it's who you are and where you're at. Can you see the distinction?

A compatible partner doesn't trigger anything but a yes. Certainly not the need to post on a forum because conversations within the relationship aren't enough.

xfan · 05/05/2023 11:30

It sounds like he can't be alone for 5 minutes whether there is chemistry or not. Of course he's giving you a yes, these kinds of men always do plus the idea of regular sex appeals to. I would be inclined to think this was a rebound situation. If he was so keen on you years ago, he would have broken up the relationship he was in in order to see if there was anything there with you. He's just stepping into this as it's convenient most likely.

Original poster
DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 06/05/2023 09:39

xfan · 05/05/2023 11:30

It sounds like he can't be alone for 5 minutes whether there is chemistry or not. Of course he's giving you a yes, these kinds of men always do plus the idea of regular sex appeals to. I would be inclined to think this was a rebound situation. If he was so keen on you years ago, he would have broken up the relationship he was in in order to see if there was anything there with you. He's just stepping into this as it's convenient most likely.

I hardly think he would leave the mother of his two children just to see what happened with a woman he’d only ever chatted casually to about football 🙄

i actually never saw him as more than an acquaintance until recently and he was the same about me

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/05/2023 11:46

It’s that whole ‘friend for a reason , friends for a season ‘ issue

If he is making you happy continue , I mean why not

but if there is anxiety tend to it , talk to him and see where he is at . if he is good as you say . You need to communicate

xfan · 08/05/2023 10:07

DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 06/05/2023 09:39

I hardly think he would leave the mother of his two children just to see what happened with a woman he’d only ever chatted casually to about football 🙄

i actually never saw him as more than an acquaintance until recently and he was the same about me

Show quote history

Well exactly when he had something really important going on he didn't dream of seeing you in a desirable light...now, with nothing else going on, marriage breaking up, low and behold "there's something about you" narrative....

Original poster
DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 08/05/2023 18:20

xfan · 08/05/2023 10:07

Well exactly when he had something really important going on he didn't dream of seeing you in a desirable light...now, with nothing else going on, marriage breaking up, low and behold "there's something about you" narrative....

Show quote history

Fuck me someone got hurt

OP posts:
NormaTheWife · 08/05/2023 18:25

Continue if you would be happy with a partner who chats to other women while in a relationship with you.

stealthninjamum · 08/05/2023 18:48

Op just give it time. I don’t think there are rules about when you’re over someone enough to start dating again. I met dp 3 months after exh moved out and he’d only been single for a couple of months too. I knew I didn’t want to get back with exh, but it must’ve been hard for him if I invited ex over to see dc.

it could just be a rebound relationship or you could be made for each other but I think if you don’t give it a ago you’ll never know and he’ll be ‘the one that got away’

Original poster
DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 09/05/2023 07:45

NormaTheWife · 08/05/2023 18:25

Continue if you would be happy with a partner who chats to other women while in a relationship with you.

I'd be happy with a partner chatting to his female friends yes, especially if the content of those messages were as mundane and innocent as ours

OP posts:
Original poster
DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 09/05/2023 07:50

@stealthninjamum Thank you - that's my worry - I could be throwing away something amazing just because the timing is all wrong. I can totally understand where he is coming from as I'd be devastated if I was his ex and he'd moved on so quickly but I also don't want to keep feeling like we are sneaking about just to save face. I think things will ease slightly once DSS leaves hospital but I guess all I'd like to know is how long do we need to keep it quiet - as you say though there are no rules!

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 09/05/2023 09:21

I don’t think you said how long you’d been together but obviously if it’s been a year then you probably should’ve met friends / relatives perhaps but not if it’s only a couple of months. I had massive anxiety about dp at the start, for no reason, but within 3 months I had met two groups of his friends and he had introduced me to his parents on the phone when they called one day so I wasn’t a secret. He has no kids though. I didn’t introduce him to any of my friends for about six months because they were either parents of dcs friends or friends of exh and I wanted dc to meet him first and not hear about him through friends.

Original poster
DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 09/05/2023 10:06

@stealthninjamum It's literally only been a couple of weeks - I guess I wanted to decide if it was worth pursuing before we both catch strong feelings. I know he's told friends about me so it's not entirely being kept secret and I had a family event over the weekend that he was going to pick me up from and would have happily popped in to say hi but in the end it finished earlier than expected. It's the whole worrying about who might see us that's the issue - like I said we live in a small town and between me, him and his ex we know a lot of the same people.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 09/05/2023 10:28

So in a couple of weeks you've spent a lot of time together and he's stayed at yours. That's moving pretty fast for someone who has just come out of something long term and has so much going on, and it sounds like you have got a bit carried away riding the great chemistry wave.
Dial it down a bit, if you are meeting more than twice a week at this stage, it's too much too soon.
Things that are very intense at the start, tend to fizzle out just as quick leaving the other feeling used and hurt. You don't want to be just a distraction from his problems, otherwise when the problems resolve, the feelings go too.

stealthninjamum · 09/05/2023 11:42

That makes it more complicated, I would make sure your life without him is fulfilled, see him as a potentially nice addition, and go slowly. I think it would be reasonable for you to not be a part of his life for another few months mainly to protect his children. I had to introduce dp to my children early (5 months) because my ex doesn’t have them overnights but it was important that they didn’t hear about him from school friends.

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