So I have never been close with my mum as she was quite frankly, pretty shit at being one. Sorry for the length, I just need to give some context as I really don’t think I’m being an unfair or mean daughter in protecting my own children!
My childhood and teenage memories are things like her dramatically sitting sobbing if something didn’t go to her liking or she was cross with me (difficult for a child to process or understand how to react to), one occasion being pulled along the hallway by my hair, being slapped for things like not looking at her and looking at my phone instead when she was having a go at me or her opening and shutting my bedroom door violently in my face whilst bellowing at me and I was in tears crying for my dad (they separated when I was very small and I saw him weekends only). I think she was very jealous that we had a great relationship and would regularly speak badly of him to me. She’d have a random man ‘friend’ who’d turn up out of the blue to our house in evenings and stay the night. She never explained properly who he was or facilitate us meeting him properly outside of our home.
One occasion after she’d slapped me and I’d gone to my room, she then got my gran to come round who waltzed into my room and started having a go at me too. I decided to leave the house so my grandad tried to chase me and sadly tripped over; cue her then screaming in the street that I was a bitch. Despite this one occasion where I’d just decided I’d had enough, I genuinely was a really ‘well behaved’ child and brought no trouble to the door.
Other times she would pack me off to be at my dad’s with no belongings as punishment, regularly ruined my birthdays by being in a mood if I didn’t want to have forced posed photos or didn’t wait to blow candles out before she could take photos (she left me at my 18th birthday party in a strop because I’d been having a good time with my dad there) and married not one but two abusive people.
One was an alcoholic who’d barely even speak to me and the second was a much older man who assaulted me in front of her.
He’d also hide food in the house from me, tried to get me to sign a ‘contract’ of chores and repeatedly engaged in behaviour to antagonise me like deleting my TV recordings from the planner and my entire library of ITunes music on the old family computer no one but me used. He’d come downstairs from bed on a night, knowing I was finally getting my time to watch TV, just to sit and huff or make comments about what I was watching.
If I wasn’t ready for school at an exact time, he’d leave me and then slate me for contacting my grandad to ask him for help to get to school. He’d also repeatedly try and turn her against me; I recall one occasion on holiday where he’d convinced her all night I hadn’t been grateful enough for an evening outing so I woke up to her storming out of the hotel room with him and my brother, completely ignoring me and me rushing to try and catch up to them, oblivious to what I’d done.
He’d kick the family dogs then deny it and they were only ever allowed to sit on their bed (not leave the bed) or be left in the garden for hours on end. She did absolutely nothing about this and chose to stay with him, despite me vocalising it all so I spent most of my time out of the house or in my room and moved out at 19. She thinks because she provided a house and material things for me, she was a good parent.
Since I had children, I’ve distanced myself from her and vowed to myself she will never be alone with the children. She’s repeatedly been rubbish and will always play the victim. My FIL for example has set up bank accounts for our children for their future. She keeps buying things they will never need or use like soft toys or clothes and then uses that as leverage to try and visit. When I decline, she’ll persist that she needs to get them to the children. They’ve only met her a handful of times and never been alone with her.
After a horrendous time with our baby DD, she insisted she still visit, despite me saying we didn’t want visitors due to the situation. She stated she’d only be 5 minutes yet was here an hour, barely spoke and just kept staring at DD. When I was due DD, I went off grid and DH texted everyone I was having time away to prepare and relax. She kept bombarding me with messages and told him she’s not in the wrong for being concerned about ‘her daughter’.
Most recently, she’s messaged me that she feels we (DH and I) ‘want’ to do everything ourselves and she wants to spend time with ‘her’ grandchildren. So she states, she’s put her past mistakes behind her and she is her ‘true self’ again now. As far as I’m concerned, her behaviour is all I’ve ever known so it can’t be a mistake and whoever else she’s claiming to be now is news to me!
So, am I right in my stance that she will never have access to my children and that she surely can’t have changed or, do people ever change and they can be different to how they were with you?
I really still have a lot of the FOG around her I fear as every interaction with her gives me anxiety yet, admittedly I’m still in my childhood approach of appeasement almost.