Relationship really struggling with 10 month old baby. Is it normal? Will it get better?

[Liverpoolgirl50]

We’ve been married 2 years, together 10, baby is 10 months old. She’s not really sleeping and has always been high needs, so the endless time we had for each other is gone. It’s a relay now, passing the baby back and forth, by 8pm it’s dinner in front of the tv and bed by 9 because of the 5am work alarm to get up and ready for work before she wakes. He works weekends and has days off in the week to look after her, I’m off weekends and working in the week. We’re just passing ships.. will it get easier?

We aren’t particularly nice to each other anymore, both ratty and tired, picking at each other. We haven’t had sex since last year.. but we’re buying a house together at the end of this month. Is it a massive mistake? I don’t want to get divorced, neither does he but everything’s just so… grey.

We tried to have a date night a couple of months ago and baby stayed at her grandparents but I just get so anxious about leaving her, we spent half the night talking about her. Maybe it’ll get easier in time.. I hope so x

God I feel you! Yeah we’re on 19 months now and pretty much has been how you describe, I think we are coming out the other side but I think part of it is accepting that the relationship is forever changed in some ways and being on board with forging a different one forward. Sorry if that sounds a bit bleak. It is a bit, I’m trying to be realistic! It can get better. But it’s a bit of a case of keep showing up, keep being kind to each other.

This is all so normal! I cannot think of any couple at all who has not found themselves feeling like this - and most stay together and make a go of it - so do not despair.

You have both embarked on a serious commitment and it changes your lives - there is no doubt about that. But that does not mean it should destroy your relationship - it really does sound as though you are working together on this endeavour, but that there is little time or space form each other.

Instinct makes you put your baby first - it is how the human race has survived. Mine have all flown the nest now - and I miss them! - but I remember so well all those evenings out when we found ourselves chatting about the children over the restaurant table on a romantic night out! We sometimes made a conscious effort not to do that, but often finished up staring at each other - and laughing about it.

Don't despair - it will pass - but definitely worth trying to add a small amount at least of sex in the mix.

In a few years. If the marriage holds out that long. Maybe don't have more kids, now you've seen what they do to your relationship. Unfortunately children are the death knoll for many partnerships.

Fingers crossed you get through it. But known theres no shame in calling it a day. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

Both of my relationships ended within 3 months after birth. But from what I see most relationships seem to make it through it. There was just too much resentment for me, dads would live like they're single while I'm stuck at home..

It definitely does get easier. Most babies get much happier once properly weaned and mobile. Give it a few months and I think you'll be through the worst.

Your 'ships in the night' working arrangement doesn't sound ideal though, is there scope to use (?more) childcare so you can both work on a weekday, and have a day off all together at the weekend?

Don't be disheartened by previous PPs! I think what you are describing is pretty common and not that many couples split right after a baby is born!

Thanks everyone,

I think things just felt very bleak this evening after another pointless argument. We have made up though. He is a very good dad, and does his fair share around the house - not sure if I should say I’m ‘lucky’ though because we always stipulated that’s how it would be!

It’s been especially tense the last few weeks because I returned to work from mat leave at the start of April, and that was a shock to the system on its own without the Piccadilly Circus that is 7pm-7am! Probably made worse by her starting nursery and not napping - think it all has a knock on effect.

We always wake up and say we want to try harder but you bet come 9pm we’re exhausted, and our patience is non existent. I keep saying we just need to stick it out a little longer, when she’s a bit more mobile and less needy.. I’m praying we can get through this last bit (it does feel a hell of a lot easier than those first few months!) and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks ladies 💖 I always feel better after coming on here x

Try it with 3 under 2s lol. But on the other hand despite sleepless nights and illness we dont be nasty,grumpy or anything and tbh I would say its made our marriage even more fun and better.

It’s normal, but that doesn’t make it easier when you’re going through it, within the first 3-4 weeks of our daughter coming home we had a huge argument about quorn nuggets (he’d over cooked them) which ended in some next level petty behaviour for about three days. She’s now 18 months and we’ve been back to normal for a while now, still avoiding quorn nuggets though.

And the most unhelpful comment award goes to....

It’s normal
it usually gets better
Your relationship has changed and it’s ok to accept that
Try to trust other people with your baby. She is 10 months now and their grandparents love them and have a lot more experience of this than you!

I think given he's a good dad and does his fair share, there's hope. I think with many dads they don't do their fair share and the resentment builds from there. It's probably best to acknowledge how tired you are, that you appreciate each other, that it's hard and make some plans so there is something to look forward to (like date night). Don't give up just yet if there us still love

We're 16 months in now and it's been a very challenging time for our relationship, but we both know it's purely down to exhaustion and trying to navigate our way through the challenges of parenthood. It's been a lot tougher than we ever imagined and we've never argued so much! To the point where I thought our relationship wasn't strong enough to survive. Now our boy is a little older and walking, talking and finally sleeping better (he's been a dreadful sleeper up until recently) I am noticing our relationship is showing signs of recovery.
I think it's taken me a while to accept we are in a very different stage of our lives now that we are parents, but I finally have and am learning to enjoy the little things more! Nursery and me going back to work three days a week have really helped too.
Hang on in there is my advice to you and don't make any rash decisions when you're both in the thick of it! Hopefully you'll come out the other side and it'll make your relationship stronger.

Oh here we go I wondered how long.

We were exactly where you are and it does get easier. Try to have a shag though, it does help to connect! It’s one of those things you have to just get on with it the first couple of times and then the desire comes back!!

Relate to this!! I was with my dh over 10 years when we had first dc. Had a pretty idillic relationship. Having a baby however was like throwing a grenade into our relationship! I was pretty shocked at how fast we went downhill. For us, it was about resentments regards who did what and how much spare time we each got, with me feeling like I was getting the short straw (I was!). We did manage to get through it though, as dc got a bit older and was settled in a good routine and consistently sleeping through, we thrashed things out and found a new normal. This was around the 18 month mark. A couple more years passed and we really got in the groove of parenting and back to a happy place and had dc 2. Second time round everything was sooooo much better and we sailed through the baby bit as we worked as a team and he was a lot more supportive.

Having a baby introduces a whole new set of responsibilities that weren't there before. They need to be worked into previous responsibilities and that can take time to get right. Also tiredness can make things 100 times worse. When they start sleeping through consistently, it really helps.

I definitely recommend keeping communications open and trying to make time for each other. Also, giving each other some free time (if possible) helps too.

Keep working at it, what you're experiencing is pretty common and there's no reason you won't come out the other side of you both make the effort.

Ds1 almost pushed us to the brink of breaking up, until we realised we are stronger together. He’s 7 now, we had a 2nd when he was 4 - who at almost 3 has only just started sleeping through. We haven’t argued half as much this time though, you realise you’re on the same team. You stop the competitive tiredness and tackle it as you 2 vs the baby haha. It is hard, so so hard.

Babies especially the high needs ones, the non sleepers, the ones you can't put down for 30 seconds without tears, can can really take it out of you. To the point there's just nothing left over to give. My DD was one and while I left her dad anyway for other reasons....even in a good relationship I'd have wondered how we'd last. I got touched out and maxed out and stressed out. Take it easy on yourself x

Yeah normal. I felt like this for 18 months after my son was born. We're just coming out the other side and am now pregnant with number 2...! Fully expecting round 2 of resentment tbh. I think for me it comes from feeling like we should have equality but child rearing in the first year being so bloody unequal, particularly if you do a lot of breast feeding.

Michelle Obama said she couldn't stand Barak for 10 years after their daughters were born. They seem fine now...!

amp.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/dec/29/michelle-obama-couldnt-stand-husband-barack-10-years

Also known as - Your suffering is so insignificant to mine, and I want to let you know that by including it into a semi-humorous comment (lol!) topped off by a 'I'm smug and we're so much better than you as a couple' finish, whilst offering zero sympathy or advice.

@Allelbowsandtoes

Have a look at what narcissistic traits are online @LadyJ2023

Maybe relax about things a tad I'd say. Babies can pick up on a stressful environment and behave even worse because of it. You do sound worked up if you can't enjoy a date night. I think it's being in the deep new parent zone where you identify as mum or dad but not much else. By 2 years, I was wanting to get out of mum zone and find myself again a bit, which is a healthier balance. You could maybe speed this along by taking turns while the other goes out with friends of an evening. You start of being consumed by new identity of parent, then you find yourself again and identify as both individual and parent.

@EarthSight @LadyJ2023 also commented on another thread of a lady who fell pregnant accidentally and had the baby and is living with an absolute degenerate of a man saying 'I don't sympathise with you at all, you knew what you were doing'

Awful person, doesn't seem like the personality of someone who's all the happy at all if she takes to MN to tear down other females.

Oh yeah I recognise @LadyJ2023, from a thread about what to use for her toddler instead of a buggy when he was too tired to walk. He should be just walking and running everywhere apparently, her one year old twins never go in a buggy 😂