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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband Counselling

25 replies

dogmama1 · 04/05/2023 19:02

Hello,

Just looking for opinions really, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not ...

My husband is in counselling, has been for approx 2 months, it was something that needed to happen for his sake and for our relationship moving forward. He has a lot of learnt behaviours from childhood issues long story short.

I'm pleased he stepped up and agreed to do it BUT he will not speak to me about it, at all - I'll always ask when he's finished and I'm always met with, 'I don't want to talk about it' or 'it's none of my business'.
And supposedly his counsellor has also said that he doesn't need to speak to me about it if he doesn't want too.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable thinking he should be speaking with me about it, not fully delving into every detail, but just touching upon what was discussed and next steps, basically keeping me in the loop.
I guess I'm feeling a little shut out, and because the outcome of this process somewhat could effect our future together (if learnt behaviours aren't dealt with as they can be quiet toxic), I am interested.

Or do I need to just butt out and respect the privacy and hope for the best?

OP posts:

rainraingoawaay · 04/05/2023 19:09

I think you do need to butt out, the counselling is between him and his counsellor. I don't think the pressure of keeping you updated on what was discussed / next steps would be helpful.

He's going to counselling, I think you need to leave it up to him if he's willing to share at any point.

brunettemic · 04/05/2023 19:11

Is your issue that he’s not talking to you about it or how he deals with telling you he’s not talking about it? Telling you it’s none of your business is a bit rude but on the flip side I’d say he’s entitled to not necessarily want to talk to you about it, especially if he’s working through things.

Original poster

dogmama1 · 04/05/2023 19:12

@rainraingoawaay thank you for your response, I appreciate it.

Your right - if he feels like he needs to? He'll communicate with me about it. X

OP posts:

Iminthemoneylife · 04/05/2023 19:12

Yep, you need to butt out. Both DH and I have had counselling at times and we would ask each other how was it today but not what did you talk about. Counselling is a very personal thing and done properly itself hard work and often exhausting.

SinglePonders · 04/05/2023 19:14

It is none of your business.
Theraphy is one of the most private, fragile and vulnerable places, topics, talks person has.
No one owes a recap of them to anyone.

Original poster

dogmama1 · 04/05/2023 19:14

@brunettemic a-bit of both. The rudeness/dismissiveness is one of the traits I'm talking about. His family are all very much like that to one another, they don't communicate, avoid emotion towards one another unless it anger, they had a very toxic household growing up.
But I think mainly that he wasn't opening up to me, but I was conflicted over weather that was right for me to feel that way or respect the boundary. X

OP posts:

PandaOrLion · 04/05/2023 19:17

I’m a therapist. I wouldn’t say to a client that they weren’t to talk about it with others but I wouldn’t specifically encourage it either. The counsellor has a contract with your husband so in my opinion the work stays there unless there is a reason for it to be discussed. Two months is a really, really short amount of time to be working with someone so he may not even have much to share at this point.

Did you discuss couples counselling as you’re both there so work on the relationship together.

dizzydizzydizzy · 04/05/2023 19:18

SinglePonders · 04/05/2023 19:14

It is none of your business.
Theraphy is one of the most private, fragile and vulnerable places, topics, talks person has.
No one owes a recap of them to anyone.

This!

Dontbelieveaword · 04/05/2023 19:23

Counselling is a very private thing and it allows people a safe place to say things that they might not ordinarily say to people in their personal life. I get your point that 'opening up to you' was one of your concerns about his behaviour but to be constantly asked what was being said in therapy is quite controlling behaviour which needs addressing too.
You will be able to tell if the counselling is being of benefit if his behaviour changes in time, but that's not going to happen overnight. 2 months is a relatively short amount of time when it comes to counselling and what he is discussing may initially cause some upset and may make him retreat a little.
If you're constantly harassing him about what's happening/being said, that is going to make him back off even more and may even make him consider stop going. Be happy he's putting the work in for sake of your relationship and leave him be

Soozikinzii · 04/05/2023 19:42

My husband had a phone counsellor in lockdown and carried on with itvafterwards because it worked well for him . I particularly made myself scarce when he was on the call like went outvwith the dog or something because I didn't want to hear . I think the point od counselling is having someonevelse to talk to outside your usual contacts .

Todayiamlexie · 04/05/2023 19:47

I would never pry into someone else's counselling. I have been having therapy for 18 months now, and it is such a personal thing. There is only one person I trust to feed back to, and even that can be draining.

Frankly, it has nothing to do with you, and you should give him total space.

Oh, and the point of the therapy is for him to process issues he feel he has, and to become his authentic self. Not to address issues you think he has or to "fix" him.

Snugglemonkey · 04/05/2023 19:50

I am a therapist. I agree that you need to back off. I understand that you may have a lot of feelings around this process and that you are also invested, as any change will impact on you too. In fact, you have an agenda in terms of what you want the desired outcome to be. This is also understandable, but it cannot be allowed to pressurise or distort the process.

Maybe you need to be thinking of how you can contain your own feelings about it in the short term. That will benefit you both long-term

PaintedEgg · 04/05/2023 19:53

I think you should step back - him being dismissive / rude, while unpleasant to you, is likely not the top of priority list for him and the person he is working with. He does not need to tell you the details of his sessions, he may do it in the future when and if he is ready - but it is not a given

you dont encourage people to go to therapy so they start acting in a way you want them too - and being blunt is not necessary a trait he will ever be rid of and he does not necessary have to

All that being said - you are within your rights to feel upset, it's normal to want to be part of your loved one's life and to know what is going on inside their heads. It's just that you can't speed this process up and expect him to talk if he is not ready

Therapy, if done right, can be a very difficult journey that some people
prefer to take alone

Muppetshair · 04/05/2023 19:58

It sounds like he had a very toxic upbringing which has left him avoidant / dismissive relating patterns which have impacted your relationship negatively.

These will be addressed if the therapist is good. And I agree with others that any interference from you will be counterproductive as he will withdraw and withhold further.

Be delighted he is in therapy and wait for the shifts to happen. Don’t be anxious or paranoid - he will be working through the burden of his upcoming.

junebirthdaygirl · 04/05/2023 20:02

Sometimes when l came from counselling l would discuss it with my dh but only because l wanted to. Maybe because l suddenly understood something l had been battling with or whatever..But l wouldn't have liked him pushing it beyond did you get on OK or something like that.
Leave it to him. And sometimes people get worse before they get better as dealing with family stuff can churn up a lot so give him time if you can.

CombatBarbie · 04/05/2023 20:15

If he wants to discuss the session, he will come to you!! You asking him is putting him on edge, maybe thinking you may try and counsel him again. Therapy is draining and very personal. He's probably already judging himself internally, you being on his case will just make him shut you out.... Last thing I want to do after is discuss it again.

FriendsDrinkBook · 04/05/2023 20:22

The most I've asked my husband is if he's getting what he needs from his sessions. It's up to him if it's a one word answer or more.I really wouldn't expect any more than that.

Original poster

dogmama1 · 04/05/2023 22:51

Thank you everyone, your absolutely right. And I will definitely step back and leave him to his journey through this.

I saw a previous commenter mention controlling, just to clarify, that wasn't the intention, the intention was support, but from other commenters I understand asking isn't the way to go about this now, patience, understanding and a listening ear if approached is.

Thank you.

OP posts:

WoolyMammoth55 · 04/05/2023 23:10

Hi OP, my DH is also in counselling, which I've encouraged and supported. I love him, and so I want him to be able to heal this problem and fully experience his life more than he was previously able to do.

I might be off-base but when you write "because the outcome of this process somewhat could effect our future together (if learnt behaviours aren't dealt with as they can be quiet toxic)", there's a slight implication there that if he doesn't 'do well' in his counselling then you will leave him. Am I off-base or is that roughly your thought process?

I ask because that kind of pressure - when combined with your expectation that he 'should' be sharing with you details of his sessions - seems like it would actively be unhelpful to him in this process. He might feel like you're holding a (metaphorical) gun to his head? I think in his shoes I'd feel that way.

It's wonderful to have intimacy with your spouse, to share with them and to felt understood by them - but he doesn't owe you his emotional blood and guts, and you're unreasonable for pestering him about it.

It might be worth you getting some counselling yourself to explore what this is bringing up for you. You might feel his 'learnt behaviours' are the root of the issues in your marriage but from your posts you seem like you are not behaving perfectly either. Are you taking responsibility for your behaviour too? It's hard for a marriage to thrive when one person considers themselves above reproach and lays all the problems at the spouse's door. It's never black and white!

Wish you and your DH all the best.

YRGAM · 05/05/2023 06:54

dogmama1 · 04/05/2023 22:51

Thank you everyone, your absolutely right. And I will definitely step back and leave him to his journey through this.

Thank you.

People will say horrible things to get their posts noticed, don't worry. It's good you're stepping back from asking him as I agree it's the right thing to do in this situation. Best of luck to both of you

vivaespanaole · 05/05/2023 07:21

I wouldn't expect to share details unless he wants to.

But i think its really ok to be asked generally how its going.

Ive had my fair share of counseling. And would be happy to say 'i am finding it useful' 'its hard work/emotionally exhausting' 'im not sure yet if i am making progress' 'i am slowly figuring some stuff out' 'im beginning to feel a little lighter'. Its giving nothing away but is being civil to your caring partner.

Original poster

dogmama1 · 05/05/2023 08:00

@WoolyMammoth55 hello, thank you for your reply, I see how to read that comment, and had the thought process you did. But that wasn't nessasarly what I meant.
We are moving forward with the next chapter in our lives, (TTC) and he can suffer terribly with emotional detachment issues, mainly due to the way his parents treated them as children. Emotion wasn't acknowledged nor wanted. We both agreed that for him to be able to give his children everything he didn't have when he was one, he'd need to work through those issues. I certainly didn't force him into counselling, it was a conversation mutually had and he agreed it was nessasary and I'm super proud of him for taking that step (many men wouldn't) there is no hun held to his head by any means.

This post was purely to find out weather my thought process of his journey was being overbearing and out of line or weather I should be encouraging him to be open with me about it. More from a support stand point than a forceful 'you need to be this' type way. X

OP posts:

Original poster

dogmama1 · 05/05/2023 08:08

I should also add, I went through counselling last year, and I think maybe that's why I was expecting him to be quiet open, because I was.. but, I do wear my emotions on my sleeve, I'm quiet an open book to those closest to me but I appreciate that not everyone is like that and how personal it can be, I also appreciate that my counselling was under quiet different circumstances, (trauma of a parent falling very I'll when I was a Teenager) as opposed to his which I neglect. I'm glad I wrote on here though, sometimes it's so helpful to get a different perspective on your thoughts and as all agreed with the opposite of my thought process i firmly know now I need to accept his privacy and journey. X

OP posts:

Muppetshair · 05/05/2023 08:56

Have a look at couples adult attachment patterns - the “avoidant / dismissive” with the “anxious / preoccupied” - its an interesting dynamic which needs a bit of understanding and adjustment on each side.

FartSock5000 · 05/05/2023 10:14

@dogmama1 I am going to go against the grain here as I think his attitude is odd.

Why can't he tell you basic things like therapy is going well or that he feels connected to the therapist? Why is it just 'none of your business'?

I find that deflective and would wonder if he is actually still going at all?

If he doesn't really agree that he needs the help and was only doing it to pay you lip service, he won't get much from it.

Is there more going on? Is the real reason he was to seek therapy because he is treating YOU in an abusive way and you had enough and made him go?

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