Am I abusive ?

[Anyoneanywhere]

Hi there..
More a lurker but iv just read a post about how normal is it to shout and swear in relationships and its got me thinking...

I grew up where swearing was pretty normal and work around people who swear. I can be a sweary person without even realising it sometimes.. like il drop and break something accidentally for example and mutter "oh ffs/shit" etc to myself.

I was in a relationship (which iv now left) where I would try to voice concerns or what was on my mind etc to be met with comments like "here we go again" "oh what now" "your always overthinking" etc.... I would feel frustrated angry and unheard and when a row would erupt my voice would become louder that I guess would be considered as shouting and I would swear, alot! I would swear in the context of something like "I'm so fucking fed up with...." or "this is bollox i cant even talk about xyz" ... I would never swear AT my ex partner like calling him swear names etc but after reading the thread on here I'm now wondering if I was abusive?
My ex partner would name call me, put me down, say degrading comments and swear at me like "f&£% you/off" "your a b!%£&" etc ..
I've considered my ex to be abusive but now I'm doubting myself.
Opinions?

Honestly I’m the same. I grew up in a very shouty household and it just comes completely ingrained in you - it’s a habitual way to argue. I’m not saying it’s not abusive though, and I actively work on it and raise my consciousness about it.

P.S This doesn’t mean your ex also wasn’t abusive. They are different ways of a toxic way to communicate.

I think mumsnet version of arguments whetr no voices ever get raised and nobody used a bad word is fantasy tbh.

Me and my partner have an amazing relationship, but, like you, we can swear in the context of the argument but rarely/never at eachother.

I think as long as the arguments are not excessively long, spanning days, violent or threatening in any way, or frightening to children you may have, then its okay to have the occasional argument. Frequency would be a big concern as well, if you argue weekly it's a bad relationship if you have one or two arguments a year it's what I'd consider pretty normal.

A large part of healthy arguments is having boundaries even within arguments and feeling safe to do so. For example its not okay to start threatening to break up or divorce because of one fight, or bring in anything too personal, because we are both aware the relationship will go on and we don't want to damage it.

I'm not bothered by swearing but yes I consider shouting abusive on some level. How abusive depends on the context I guess.

If both partners are shouting at each other I think it's mutually toxic and I don't understand how people live like that. I find it undermines trust and gradually chips away at love

That's just me though and I'm sure plenty of others think differently