Shall I try to fix this?

[Fedupwife28]

I’m mid twenties, newly married with a young baby (5 months old) but my marriage has almost completely broken down since my pregnancy. I will start by admitting that I never wanted children with my DH as he is not someone who likes to have any responsibility placed on him or to have to do anything for others, me included.

Our current set up is quite unconventional from what I read on here. He massively out earns me, with a take home for around £7.5k per month, whilst I take home £2k. There is no family money/joint savings and I am expected to go 50:50 on everything - bills, stuff for baby, holidays, activities or meals etc. I appreciate that I am not his responsibility as I’m a grown adult but it is hard keeping up as he can obviously afford to do much more than me and tends to have more expensive tastes.

I have always carried the mental load in the home, and always sacrificed my free time to keep the house clean and tidy because he is always busy with hobbies. He doesn’t take well to being asked for help as he sees this as needy and taking away from his time. I’ve always taken the approach that it’s better for him to be happy than for him to be annoyed with me or us arguing if I ask too much of him. This has carried on since I had our DC but I am buckling under the pressure and I’m so overwhelmed. I am paying for a cleaner but that stretches my budget even further and I have no idea what I’m going to do when baby goes into nursery as I can’t claim tax free childcare because of his income and it’s going to cripple me financially to go halves on that plus keep paying half the bills.

I know that people will say that I should make time for myself but it’s really hard as he isn't always home when he says he will be as he stays after work to do hobbies, and he is only home on time when there is some sporting event he wants to watch on TV. He doesn’t really spend more than about half an hour with DC as he always seems to busy and then hands the baby back to me to look after. All of this is on top of two evenings a week and one day on the weekend that he has hobbies booked in. This week I had a very rare appointment booked in, booked it 7 weeks ago and put it in the joint calendar. He told me last week that I can’t go as he’s now busy and his thing is more important that mine. I can’t rearrange it for anytime soon, so I’m having to wait another 4 weeks to go because we don’t have any childcare and I don’t feel comfortable leaving the baby with a stranger. I’m not holding my breath he won’t be ‘busy’ again. We spend next to no time together because there’s always something he’s doing or going out to do, and he if not, he’s glued to his phone. Not sure he’d notice if I grew a new head and painted my whole body green as he never speaks to me unless he has to.

To top it off, he appears to have developed a porn addiction during my pregnancy and can’t stand the sight of me. I fully appreciate my body changed when I was pregnant and he wasn’t attracted to me, I know it’s not something you can force but it’s clear that the postpartum me is isn’t something he’s interested in either, other than when he’s in the mood for a very unromantic blow job.

Sorry this is so long and thank you if you’ve made it this far. How on earth do I fix all these issues? I’m quite broken by it all and think I might be depressed.

He sounds utterly, unbearably fucking awful! For a man who earns so much, I’m amazed he cannot seem to count! 50:50 when he earns more than 3 times what you do? Nope, not happening. And he’s not pulling his weight in any way, continuing to act like a single man, but with some kind of maid at home? You need to get rid of him, now. He is bringing nothing to your table, other than grief and misery. Next time he asks for a BJ tell him very, very clearly to fuck off! Make a plan, calculate the maintenance he will have to pay (when he realises that he will try to U turn - don’t let him!) and get out. Now. You are still so young. Do not waste one more minute on this oxygen thief.

Leave him. Your son depends on you doing so.

And LOVE YOURSELF. Your sim definitely depends on you doing so 💖 You're going to be ok. Don't fall for the same guy again. That means love yourself. Now go park your baby and bags.

Sorry meant your son not sim (dang phone).

If you leave, I bet the crying stops!

He sounds like a self absorbed prick tbh.

Total cockwomble

Run.

Don't be afraid of being on your own OP. it's hard work, but so much better than being with someone like this.

Currently your baby only has one engaged parent as your DH is disconnected.

You do not have a loving and supportive partner - you have the opposite someone who is draining you emotionally, physically and financially.

He has taken away your dignity and somehow you are subjugated as his domestic appliance.

This is exhausting and eroding you - so much so that you won’t be able to be your best version of Mum to your baby.

Get rid of him so that you can immerse yourself in a joyous motherhood and your baby can have the vivacious, sparkling, version of you that is suffocated by this marriage - you both deserve this.

Time to get your ducks in a row and leave

then claim child maintenance via cms

This. Be is absolutely awful. Controlling.

He is a disgusting man. Don't try to fix the situation, he will never learn.

It's so hard the first year after the baby is born. If you have family or friends support, can you stay with them for a while to think and stead yourself?

I think with time you'll see clearly that he is not the right person for you or your child. You will be a lot happy without him as a husband.

It's kindof your mess so clean it up. You knew he was no good to have kids with but continued anyhow so sorry no sympathy from me

Wow - so close minded. The OP has already stated the baby wasn't planned, infact, she took several precautions but these things happen...
what would you rather, her abort an innocent baby? Regardless of decisions made, which, May i remind you, takes two. That doesn't give him an excuse to be such a degenerate to her and THEIR baby.

I unlike you, hope she finds the happiness her and her baby deserve.
Why people like you can't just pass by a posting like this if you have nothing productive or nice to say baffles me? I mean, there's plently of forums on MN for you to give your two cents... seriously, Are you okay??

I think that's what's she's trying to do. I hope I.never make a mistake I need advice on that's for sure

“He sounds utterly, unbearably fucking awful! For a man who earns so much, I’m amazed he cannot seem to count! 50:50 when he earns more than 3 times what you do? Nope, not happening. And he’s not pulling his weight in any way, continuing to act like a single man, but with some kind of maid at home? You need to get rid of him, now. He is bringing nothing to your table, other than grief and misery. Next time he asks for a BJ tell him very, very clearly to fuck off! Make a plan, calculate the maintenance he will have to pay (when he realises that he will try to U turn - don’t let him!) and get out. Now. You are still so young. Do not waste one more minute on this oxygen thief.”

This.

So sorry you’re dealing with this twat OP. What an absolute disgrace of a man he is.
In answer to your question, no, don’t try to fix it.
As most PPs above have suggested, it’s time to LTB.
Good luck, you can do it. X

It doesn’t even sound like a marriage to me. He seems to be treating you as a cross between an unwelcome lodger and an unpaid housekeeper.

Divorce is the only sane option. Make sure you don’t accept any offer that skinflint makes, but get everything done through the court.

Chin up, OP. This is a low point. Once you’re out of this crazy mess, your life has to get better.

Yes, this often bugs me with PPs, why kick someone when they’re down? All it does is shoe the PP’d nasty character.

Bless you, you are still so young and have a lot to look forward to in life. Not with this man though who sucks the joy.
You should not try to fix the relationship as he's too far gone from reasonable.
However, you can fix your situation. You are entitled to some of what he's withholding from you - not half of everything, as its not a long marriage, but with his good salary, you should get a healthy monthly payout and probably half the house equity.
Any chance of moving nearer to any family or friends? They will be more help perhaps than he ever has been and you will get chances to go out.

I appreciate that I am not his responsibility as I’m a grown adult but it is hard keeping up as he can obviously afford to do much more than me and tends to have more expensive tastes

Wow he's done a number on you OP. It IS his responsibility to ensure his WIFE and CHILD are adequately looked after.

Leave him. I 100% guarantee you won't be crying all day, upset all the time and scrimping paying for cleaners without him.

@Fedupwife28

"I feel invisible and like the one person who should care doesn’t at all."

There, FTFY. Because he doesn't care about you.

It sounds to me as if you 'sort of' already knew who he was when you married him. I'm not criticizing! I'm just saying that his abhorrent behaviour is simply confirmation of what you already knew. Because of that, you should acknowledge that truth and make plans to leave. He can't be 'fixed' because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with himself.

You'll be less stressed and tired when it's just you and your baby, believe me. That man is a dead weight on your shoulders and on your soul. Not to mention the reduced workload of not having to cook, clean, pick up after, and cater to him.

And if he's such a high earner, you'll probably be financially better off with your wages, child benefit, and maintenance payments than you are right now with your wages and the financial 'crumbs' he tosses your way.

Do your sums, consult the CMS calculator, get a good picture of his finances and then see a solicitor. You need legal advice asap to understand your financial position wrt any marital assets and wrt your home.

Also, seek support from those who love you. Find a trusted relative or friend who will keep your confidence and tell them the truth about your marriage. Lean on them and let them support you.

Walk away.

Honestly, it’s actually much easier to do it solo single than do it solo with someone who is zero help.

Being lonely in a relationship is soul destroying.

Is he employed or self employed?

How old is he? How old are you? Guessing you live in London? £7500 is impressive salary for late 20s, early 30s.

Done a runner??! He never even turned up to this relationship to start with, he’s not in it now, how could he do a runner?!
of course you can’t fix this selfish asshole, the only thing you can fix is you that you are never ever going to so much as look at much less date or god forbid marry someone so selfish and uncaring, and lacking in even basic human empathy. Ok, you can look if they are really pretty. But THATS IT. Find a lawyer, get out wiht as much as you can financially since you have been financially abused for your entire relationship and are unlikely to get a penny of support or 10 minutes of parenting from him once you split.

Why did you marry him? Everyone on this thread must be wondering. Take your baby, be a role model, and build an actual life. Imagine baby growing up in this house learning that they have to respect and tiptoe around this man in their life every day who doesn’t give a single fuck about them.

Why on earth would you want to?

I'm actually wondering how you managed to get pregnant if he's always acted like this, you sound more like an employee that contributes financially than a partner. LTB and get a CMS claim in, you certainly won't be any worse off than you are at the moment.