Anyone successfully managed to boost their sex life / libido in marriage with young DC?

[NameGameChange]

Our sex life is crap. To the extent that we are at crisis point. Things have been pretty much nonexistent since DC (nearly 3) was born. First I had painful problems which were only resolved after a long wait for gynae referral. That took 1.5 years after DC birth. The next year was spent shattered with DC poor sleep, and lack of childcare. (We have no other family so it’s just us).

We are finally at the stage where we’ve sorted out DC sleep (I hope!) and childcare is good, and I have a tiny bit more time on my hands in the evening. However my libido seems to have gone. Also, after the years of poor sleep I now savour sleep like I never did before and panic if I’m not in bed by 10.30 latest. I enjoy relaxing in front of tv or having wind down time knowing I’m prioritising sleep. I’m 43 so not sure of that makes a difference!

Anyway DH has been supportive throughout all of the above but has said he now wants things to improve. He is worried we will have a sexless marriage. He is right and I want to improve things but he would happily have chandelier swinging 7 days a week whereas I’m not feeling it. I suggested scheduled sex as a starting point but he hates the idea. When we do have sex I want vanilla missionary and I know he’d like more.

Has anyone had this dynamic and found a way around it? Is it simply the cliche of doing more date nights etc? I do feel tired at the end of the day these days, and have backed out of a few social catch ups too so it’s not just the sex, I feel since Covid I would be happy doing nothing much most evenings! It’s not who I was before and if I could wave a magic wand I’d be more energetic and wanting to do exciting things.

I’m in a similar situation, DD is almost 4 and it took us a while to improve things and build up from once in 2 months to couple times a month - starting to feel less exhausted helped plus also having a regular babysitter for date nights and having some more time for us. But now I’m pregnant with #2 (and pretty sick so sex life is non existent) and worried it will get that bad if not worse again.
From what I hear having a dry spell when kids are little can be pretty normal, many friends reported having sex once a month as their norm. It does take a lot of conscious effort and planning to make things better.

Hiya
so I have 2 kids under 4 and have had the situation you describe. Just wanna preface this by saying my husband is very good at doing his share at home etc so I wasn’t annoyed or begrudging about creating a good sex life.
my situation is improving now however. My husband had the snip so I could come off the pill and that really helped my libido.
I also had to remind myself that I do actually like having sex, and not making time for it was making me (not just him) miserable.
we did discuss the issue and basically I said that when kids are in bed, we have to make an effort not to just watch telly / go on our phones etc, so some nights we go up to bed when the kids are in bed, to talk and be together and normally sex happens. I really identified that phones are a big issue and can distract us both, so we don’t take take in the bedroom if we are having us time. I didn’t really need to force the issue of sex, it just happened when we cleared the schedule and spent time together in the bedroom. We don’t do date nights etc as we have no child care, but on Saturday we usually have a nice dinner without the kids and some wine.
I also identified that I l felt a bit shit about my body after 2 kids, so deliberately started taking really good care of myself (gym, hairdressers, new skin care, nice knickers etc) and that helped me feel more like myself again, and not just wife /mummy. I’m not at all gorgeous etc, but I don’t feel terrible about myself.
finally, I started asking for more from my husband in bed and experimenting a bit (I mean I have less inhibitions now I’ve had 2 of his kids lol) and it all feels really nice and exciting again.

jjst some ideas there that might work for you.

Hey @NameGameChange . I was a similar age to you when I had my last dd and it's taken some time to get my mojo back but it's getting there.

The first thing I'd do is visit the doctor and ask for your thyroid and hormone levels to be checked. Both of these things can be medicated successfully.

secondly I don't think you need to go full on date nights you might just need to turn off the TV in the evening and reconnect. Sit down after ds has gone to bed and have food/glass of wine and get used to being in a couple again rather than just being co-parents.

More practically is there any time of the day/time of the month you might feel more up for it? Try just noticing that for a bit and see whether there's a pattern and if you can build on that rather than making it into a chore that has to slot into the family calendar, it will fee much more natural.

It does take commitment not to just flop on the sofa but it is definitely more rewarding especially as you can stop putting energy into feeling bad about your lack of sex life.

Thanks for your experiences. Yes I think not flopping on the sofa each evening is a good shout. But I really want to and simply don't feel like having sex!

How do I make myself want sex again? That would be a massive help!