Is he with me for the wrong reasons?

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I’m not sure if I am imagining distance between us and think I need a sense check.

4 year relationship, both have kids don’t live together. I have a Big Job and he works in a smaller job less hours, so we are often on different salaries and priorities of time etc. both integrated with each others families and friends, no issues there. We want to live together but it’s not the right time or finances.

I will dive in and say DP and I had an active sex life but since he has hurt his back we have less sex, and for at least 6 months he cannot finish. This used to happen occasionally now it happens every time. He’s very generous to me and sex lasts a fair amount of time but he always ends up giving up. I never make much of this, offer to help him etc, he always declines and he says he still fancies me etc.

We don’t argue at all really, but twice now over 4 years he has ended up in tears worrying we are incompatible and he’s not sure we have a future. I’ve given him the chances to break up with me, respecting his feelings and he has chosen to stay with me and says he loves me. The first time we decided to work on things and it was great.

This happened again very recently but this time my dog has cancer and I think he doesn’t want to break up with me for this reason because the dog is dying and he thinks it would be cruel to me. I said I understood his feelings and he could walk away, I would not hate him for it but he chose to stay with me and said he wanted to make it work.

We went on a weekend away and it was lovely and fun but sex was the same, he couldn’t finish. I just feel like when he’s with me, he is less affectionate than he used to be and distant. He never seems excited to see me and I feel like I am maybe being friendzoned.

when I try to talk to him, he gets upset and confused and finds it hard to say what he wants to say, so the conversation ends up being a lot of silence and is frustrating. I try very hard not to do all the talking if this happens.

I don’t know how to broach this really, do I say, hey, are you happy with me? Do I ask if he’s really fulfilled in this relationship? What questions do I ask? I don’t want a row I just want to know how he actually feels. Do I just ignore it and plod on (like he seems more comfortable doing)? I just feel like now I am getting older and if he’s wasting my time cos he doesn’t really love me, this isn’t fair. Also our kids really love each of us as partners and I’m quite tied to his family now emotionally so perhaps this is why I don’t rock the boat.

any advice?

do I say, hey, are you happy with me? Do I ask if he’s really fulfilled in this relationship?
They sound like kind, respectful questions to me. What would you follow up with? What would you tell him about your feelings; do you feel fulfilled? What nice things could you add after this to show him that you like him (if you do), and this is not criticism?
This sort of conversation can really improve a relationship if you talk properly.
Don't know about you, but as I get older I can't be bothered with a pseudo-relationship where you don't talk properly.

Why does he think you're not compatible?

Thanks, I do respect him so I am equally feeling quite stressed now that he is unhappy and I don’t want that for him either

He used some examples but generally it was a gut feeling he had. which at the time was something I was not expecting you could change your mind about, and I’m always an advocate for trusting it, but I think he is unsure whether to trust his gut instinct or whether he’s just got divorce/childhood trauma issues messing his feelings around.

I actually have successful treatment for GAD and PTSD caused by childhood abuse and neglect. I am very well, I am very functional, balanced but sometimes (and I mean rarely, perhaps one or twice a year) anxiety creeps out unexpectedly or I am triggered. Not in a trivial way, it will be something serious - like health or child related, and before I find the right coping mechanism to kick in, I can get panicked and ask for some reassurance or support.

He doesn’t like anxiety and doesn’t like this side of me, he gets frustrated because he tells me I am being silly and then I feel completely invalidated and end up apologising. So right now my dog is dying and I am not crying all day about it, but I feel anxious about what is going to happen to him so I will try to talk to him about it, and he will say something like ‘well there isn’t anything you can do about that’. So unhelpful and shutting me down. Sometimes I just want a fucking hug, you know? Not a solution. No one can stop my dog dying. So then I don’t want to talk to him about it in case he tells me I’m being silly.

So is the general basis of the relationship that he gets to choose whether you are good enough for him or not - or do you get to choose whether he's good enough for you?

It feels like that but then again it’s hard to reconcile that he is that person, he says he doesn’t want to change me. I suppose the crux is that this is a bigger issue than love can cover, it’s his dealbreaker

This sounds like an issue surrounding his deep insecurities about his sexual abilities so I am wondering why you brought in the bit about your Big Job and his not so big job and different earning right at the start. It sounds like he has reason to be insecure as you are primarily focused on who earns what and who has the better career. Now that he is struggling sexually, perhaps he feels completely useless and not respected for anything at all. It sounds like you don’t think he’s good enough for you .

People say, and believe, lots of things about themselves, but sometimes they're not quite right. By telling you that you're being silly when you're upset about things he's trying to make you stop behaving that way; he's trying to adjust your behaviour.

You don't live together and he's not coming across like an amazingly nice person. To me, from the outside, it sounds like you don't have much to lose by speaking your mind more.

If you said e.g. "All I need is a hug. Stop calling me silly when I am upset. It makes me feel more upset. You're an intelligent man and I'm surprised I need to point this out." ... perhaps he'll think "Oops, maybe I have been a bit of a dick" and think of a better way to talk to you (and respect you for being honest), or perhaps he won't think that, and maybe he'll leave of his own accord, or maybe you'll ask him to leave because he's not the man for you?

OP, he has stated that he loves you. You have raised the issue with him. Perhaps, the better question should be, do you love him?

Your post leaves me thinking it is you are starting to realize that perhaps you may no longer love him. It seems that you are unsatisfied sexually , and the odd way in which you describe the difference in your professional status suggests that you think that he is punching above his weight in being with you. No where in your post do you say or suggest that you love him.

To me , it seems obvious that you want this relationship to be over, but you do not want to be the one who rings the death knell.

It is okay to say that this relationship has run its course and that neither of you seem to have much left to give each other.
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You know what you need to do, get it over and done with. Don't drag it out.

He used to have a big job, bigger than mine but now he doesn’t, partly choice partly circumstance and also things out of his control. He often can’t do things because he can’t afford it and doesn’t like me paying so if I want to do something like a trip I have to go with someone else. If I do pay he seems to feel a bit shit about it so I try not to make a thing of it. He’s more intelligent than me, I’m just more outgoing perhaps.

he is sexually satisfying me, I don’t have an issue. He doesn’t seem to be satisfied though but I don’t know what I can do to help that.

I outlined the jobs as I have different time priorities to him - while I am working late he is doing other things important to him so we sometimes find it hard to spend a lot of time together, or weekends I’m doing laundry and housework and he’s already done his so we are on different schedules. This isn’t a big deal to me but I feel like it might annoy him if I would need to do house things on a weekend when he wants to go do things.

I do love him and find it hard to be put off by him being a knob, I still love him even if he upsets me, I would feel bad if he got upset, I get excited to see him, I am affectionate. I also would be ok single, I would be all right and manage by myself.

It’s not my fault I have a bigger job I just worked really hard for it. I think he’s proud of me for it, I’m proud of myself, it’s not my fault he doesn’t have a similar big job, it’s up to him, but I don’t really care about what job he has it does impact us doing things together but I am happy to compromise, I want to compromise. The only issue I have is that I am not sure he wants to be with me.

@80s I told him I just wanted a hug and he didn’t speak to me for hours and then told me maybe we are not compatible long term. He told me I am negative but when I asked for examples these were me sharing things with him so I assume I just shouldn’t share them, then he got upset that I might choose not to share things with him anymore. I can’t win.

The only issue I have is that I am not sure he wants to be with me.
This isn't the only issue you have, though, is it? You also have the issue that when you say how he can support you, he stops talking to you and then says you're not compatible. And the issue that he doesn't like what you share with him, so you can't tell him what you feel, then he blames that on you not sharing.

What are his good and bad points, do you think? Is he the partner you want; does he pass muster?

Just a thought but, do his little gut feelings that you two may not be compatible, tend to come when you need a little extra support. Or, when your attention is inward focussed or on other things besides him.

Perhaps its no coincidence that his latest wobble, is when your dog is sick.

See there you go, he goes cold when you want affection, support and reassurance. Because as far as he is concerned, you are there to run support his needs,not the òther way around. So when you dare to ask for something of him, he pulls away.

He is conditioning you to only think of his needs. To worry that you aren't 'enough' for him. He never gives you ways to fix this becayse he doesn't want it fixed. He wants you stuck wondering what you can do to make things good and worrying he wants to leave you.

Yeah perhaps it is not a surprise he leaves decision making to me, and doesn’t always have an input, then he can make me feel like I am imposing things on him sometimes. He gets upset when I have any negative feelings towards him or anything else.

He has said that he felt this way in his marriage and he is afraid of feeling this way again. This is really not the first time I’ve been made to feel this way by a partner I don’t think.

He says she was emotionally manipulative so she would get into a mood with him and he would have no idea why and have to try work it out and feel stressed. I’m not like this, I will tell you immediately if I have a problem and in this instance I said ‘look I don’t like it when you call me silly, it doesn’t feel silly to me and it’s invalidating my feelings ok, all I am asking for is support’ and he will answer ‘I have to guess what you want, you didn’t tell me you wanted a hug so I don’t know how to help you I was trying to solve your problem’ so then I am the one who didn’t do the communication right? Is this me? Do I just have to say ‘I’m feeling worried can you hug me’

Perhaps it is a shock when I am no longer a confident decision maker and suddenly struggle with something, it throws off the balance he felt secure in?

I'd say it's not very hard for the average mature adult to guess that someone might need a hug when their dog is ill. If he is being honest, and didn't get that, then maybe he has a real problem with reading feelings, being empathic - and maybe that's the same problem he had with his exw.

Unfortunate for him, but something he could work on if he was willing to concede that he might be the one with a problem.
Only unfortunate for you if he's not willing to work on it and you want to stay with him.

Perhaps it is a shock when I am no longer a confident decision maker and suddenly struggle with something
Or maybe it's whenever you come to him looking for emotional support, because he's no good at that and thus associates it with bad experiences?

He doesn’t like anxiety and doesn’t like this side of me, he gets frustrated because he tells me I am being silly and then I feel completely invalidated and end up apologising

This isn't a healthy relationship. If you're anxious, you need a reassuring partner. You're not taking care of your needs if you stay with him.

OP, has he had any treatment or medical advice for his sex problems? He shouldn’t just accept his fulfilling sex life is over just because he hurt his back! Do get him to see his GP, and to press for a referral if the GP can’t help.

Well I think his sex problem is linked to perhaps not actually wanting to be in a relationship with me anymore. He has hurt his back, and has sought help with it but to be crude, it doesn’t really matter what I do or don’t do to help, he just can’t get to the end

OP, he is not meeting your emotional needs and when you ask him for a bit of empathy and kindness he can't, or won't give it. Also he minimises your concerns, it doesn't take a genius to work out you need comfort and a hug if you are upset, especially when it's over the illness of a much loved pet. Worse, he is dismissive of your feelings and shuts you down as he doesnt like you being anxious.

As a pp said, it appears he is training you to meet his needs and be his support system, but he can't be bothered to support you when you need it. Re his sexual issues, he needs to see his G.P. you don't mention his age, but regardless it might not be linked to his back problem. He should have his testosterone levels checked at least. This could well be impacting on his mood generally.

You sound lovely, very caring and empathetic, but l think he sounds the opposite.

What do you want? Are you happy in this relationship? I think regardless of what he wants you need to ask and answer that question.