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Original poster

Pay rise

39 replies

Hetty104 · 04/05/2023 09:03

Could I ask you lovely people if you would be pissed off if your husband of 5 years ( 2nd time round for both of us ) received a payrise of 5% more than 6 months ago but didn’t say anything ??
we are both financially independent he earns significantly more than me as I work part time. I Just thought he should have mentioned it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hetty104 · 04/05/2023 11:58

Opentooffers · 04/05/2023 10:19

Nope, don't think it's a significant to say. What is more of an issue is being 'financially independent' while married, while the whole point of marriage is pooling resources and having equal access to money, otherwise, might as well not be married.
If he earns much more he should pay out to the level where you both have the same disposable money after bills every month - especially if working part time due to DC, otherwise work full time and share everything.

It’s complicated, I also receive child maintenance from DC father, I also have a small monthly income from a self employed job. So we are probably equally paid a similar wage. Im quite open and will tell hime my income and my out going’s.
DH is always complaining about the cost of things, how much things cost but doesn’t mentioned when he has a bonus/pay rise every little helps and all that. I guess I just want to know why he doesn’t think he can share these things with me.

OP posts:
Lancasterel · 04/05/2023 12:21

Me and my DH are very open about money, but then he is the main breadwinner and I’ve mainly been at home with the kids for the past few years, so it’s not really his money is it, it’s “our” money!
I know what he earns down to the last penny and am the main person who sorts the monthly budget. Can’t imagine him not mentioning a bonus - surely you work out together what to do with it?!

Original poster
Hetty104 · 04/05/2023 12:22

EarringsandLipstick · 04/05/2023 11:58

I find it really odd all the posters who wouldn't / haven't mentioned pay rises.

Yes, they might be small but they are still a rise, which will have some impact on your finances, even if small.

Secondly it just sounds odd not to share it as a conversational item / general update.

In your case OP, he's clearly defensive and has a habit of concealing larger pay increases / bonus payments so this would be a concern.

exactly this is my point it doesn’t matter how small or big ( I don’t care ) I never go without so to me it doesn’t really make much difference.
i guess my idea would be hey honey i got a pay rise not much but I bought you some flowers, treat you to a new top, supper out etc. I guess I feel where not joined up in that respect to discuss these matters. I feel he doesn’t trust me not to want to ask for more than I already have.

OP posts:
LittleLegsKeepGoing · 04/05/2023 12:30

Hetty104 · 04/05/2023 10:54

Thank you. Its the way he behaved when I found out….. he was defensive telling me all the things he had bought recently. That’s not the point I just want a more of a transparent relationship I suppose. He didn’t tell me about a 17k bonus he received at the end of last year either.

Show quote history

To be fair that's entirely different to a nominal pay rise not being mentioned in passing. The defensiveness and hiding huge sums of money isn't what would happen in a healthy marriage, I'd be upset too.

Original poster
Hetty104 · 04/05/2023 13:17

arethereanyleftatall · 04/05/2023 10:54

Are they his children too, and do either of these amounts make a big difference to your pot?

They are my children. No it won’t make any difference to the pot……. I guess i just think its nice to be involved.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 04/05/2023 13:44

He didn't mention a £17k bonus?! What was his reason for not telling you about it? How did you find out?

BringItOnxxx · 04/05/2023 13:48

The 17k bonus is weird. The 5% is not worth mentioning.

Original poster
Hetty104 · 04/05/2023 13:58

monsteramunch · 04/05/2023 13:44

He didn't mention a £17k bonus?! What was his reason for not telling you about it? How did you find out?

Nope…… or the fact he was going to loan his Dd 40k ( I overheard a conversation) he didn’t in the end, but thats not the point!
his bonus was a car , which he later sold. - I found the key in his company car.
he just said he hadn’t thought to tell me or the classic one is he thought he’d told me!

OP posts:
Iwrote · 04/05/2023 14:27

He got given a car as a bonus?
It's tricky as I think second marriages where you both bring children have extra complications, if he wants to lend his daughter money and it won't leave your household short then of course he should.

HappiestPenguin · 04/05/2023 17:41

Is he a secretive person? Does he hide other things too? Or avoid difficult conversations? Or is he just secretive about money? Do you know how much you have (as a married couple) in savings?

Is he bitter about money from his first marriage or an earlier relationship? It’s odd if he is as he could just not have got married a second time. Did you enter the marriage with more assets?

HappiestPenguin · 04/05/2023 17:41

Sorry lots of questions but at first glance it looks like he’s trying to hide his money away. But why would he do that?

Original poster
Hetty104 · 04/05/2023 21:37

HappiestPenguin · 04/05/2023 17:41

Sorry lots of questions but at first glance it looks like he’s trying to hide his money away. But why would he do that?

I don’t know…… he's near to retirement age, so i think just wants to save all he can….. which I understand, i just wish he would communicate more with me, rather than hiding things, which just makes me more annoyed. 😡💕

OP posts:
Original poster
Hetty104 · 04/05/2023 21:39

HappiestPenguin · 04/05/2023 17:41

Sorry lots of questions but at first glance it looks like he’s trying to hide his money away. But why would he do that?

He’s close to retirement age, I'm a spender so I just think he wants to keep any extra pay increases to himself. Although I never ask for anything. I buy my own things i need/want.

OP posts:
Jk8 · 05/05/2023 10:15

I'd be more miffed about a 5% pay rise (with it not being enough to make a difference) but yes to not even have mentioned it is a bit of a cover up isn't is it ?

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