Feeling lost at 29 years old.

[Angelsunshine]

I just wondered if anyone can help with some friendly advice or maybe in a similar situation?

I’m 29 and have been single for a few years now and there’s nothing more than I want than to meet the love of my life and settle down.

I’ve not really rushed anything but I’ve got to the point where I ask myself if it will ever happen? I’ve tried online dating and I find that alot of men on there are not looking for anything serious and in my work place it’s very limiting when it comes to meeting someone.

not that it matter but I’m always told I’m attractive and people are shocked when they find out I’m single.

why is it so hard to meet someone ? It’s really starting to get me down and I’ve spent a lot of time getting upset over it.

will it ever happen for me? 😢

Yes it will absolutely happen for you and most likely when you least expect it. Hang on in there and I know it’s hard but try not to dwell on it too much.

You are only 29, plenty of time yet. In the meantime invest in yourself and enjoy your single life as much as you can.

Chances are you'll look back at 49 and be like 'I can't believe I spent so long fixating on finding a bloke'.

You'll probably find several Mr rights at various times throughout your life. Maybe even one in your 80s. People come and go.

I disagree with the 'sure and it'll likely happen when you least expect it' narrative though. That's that's just something we say when we don't want to say that truthfully we have no idea how long you'll be single for. Sorry.

Honestly, finding suitable relationships is hard work. They have to be sane, you have to like them, they have to like you, your personalities have to gell. Plus whatever other extra things you may want in a partner or personal issues or quirks or whatever you have that will influence the relationship.

I know some ppl always seem to find partners. Jumping from one thing to the next. But mostly they are pretty damaged people who cant be single.

Finding someone suitable is hard. And it probably should be.

But wallowing will do you no good. Nothing more off putting than the smell of desperation. So if I were you I'd stop dating with the mindset of settling down and just have some fun.

What type of guys do you go for physically ?

When I was 29 years old I broke up with my ex boyfriend and was quite happy to move out and be single again. I thought it was a bit late anyway so why rush. Who would have thought I would meet my husband within a few days after I moved out, now we have been married for over 10 years. Life is full of miracles. Good luck!

I go for the normal “nice guy” type. I don’t go for looks at all. But usually the nice guy never turns out to be so nice either.

The more people you meet, the higher the chances, so if work holds slim pickings, better socialise as much as possible - extra hobbies, out with friends etc. Broaden your circle as much as you can, the time is now, before everyone around you gets too settled and don't feel the need to come out. 29 is still young enough that others your age will be out and about.

Even though physical attractiveness is like power, and that can be abused and go to people's heads, it's a mistake to think that being less attractive is a ticket to ethical superiority or virtue. Also, some pretty nasty guys like to tell people how nice they are.

Is sex important to you OP, in a relationship? I appreciate that other things are important to sexual attraction, but how looks wouldn't be that important to someone is kind of strange to me. It doesn't have to be top of the list, but to not go for them at all?

Do you really don't go for looks, or is it because you don't think you deserve someone you think is physically attractive, or think that you can't possibly have it all? Or maybe on some level, you think that less attractive men will be more devoted to you, less likely to cheat? Or that you somehow think you are being more virtuous if you de-prioritise looks, that doing so is shallow or silly? It's important to think about that because some women end up being in long miserable marriages because they settled on someone who they thought were nice, who treated them well, but who they clearly had no sexual chemistry with or didn't find sexually attractive.

You might want to try this if you still want to do it online -

https://keeper.ai/about

It seems pretty conservative to me but it might work for you. Make sure you read their terms & conditions about how they use your data though as their system will probably ask you more intimate questions than other sites.

@EarthSight I usually go for the nerdy type guy and NOT the love island type (if that’s how I describe it). I have to be attracted to them otherwise I can’t sleep with them and I do think sex is important in a relationship. But again unless I have a connection with someone I cannot sleep with them. I’ve never seen that dating app before I’ll take a look

@Angelsunshine Nerdy type is really broad and specific. If you specifically want a 'nerdy type' that is 6ft or above with blue eyes working as a software engineer or similar STEM job who is a 'nice guy' - then finding this type of nerdy guy is not going to be easy.

Aww I was exactly like you when I was 29, then met DH at 30! I do remember feeling like you describe though, going to my friends’ weddings, then going on dates that went nowhere and feeling it would never happen for me. One day I got a job offer in London and I went for it, moved to a city where I knew noone, then met DH in a bar the first night I ever went out when I wasn’t even looking. It’s a cliche but I think it was the change in my attitude, I was out there, proud of my move, relaxed and just having a good time and it was probably a better vibe than my usual going on a date with a guy I met online hoping this is my future husband if that make sense.

I think what you could do is just do things for you, something you enjoy but something where it’s easy to meet new people. If “nerdy” is your type (so is mine actually) then it could be anything nerdy hobby related (e.g. a friend of mine is into scifi and met her DP at Comicon type of event)….a sports club maybe, or a drama club, hiking meetups… At the very least you will have fun enjoying your hobby and learning something new, and you never know, you can meet someone who already shares at least that one interest with you.
I do have quite a few friends that met their long term DP online, however it is a numbers game and probably as much about luck as meeting someone at the bar.

Hang in there, approaching your 30 being single is tough but ultimately you are still very young and have plenty of time to meet someone.

My 27 year old daughter broke up with a husband that gambled. She tried hard to make it work but it became a slog!
She went out a couple of months later to a bar and met a lovely guy. She is still with him a year later.

She wasn’t looking for anyone as she has planned to just get away and relax. But they met and there you go.

I honestly do think that you should write down everything in your life you are grateful for and things you enjoy. Maybe try a different online dating app.

This is the best advice. Also, don’t be embarrassed to let your friends know you’re looking. I met DH through friends, as lots of people do. Good luck, OP.

OP I think you need to have a chat with your friends, siblings, possibly even parents, close colleagues etc to let them know you're really ready to meet someone and to ask them to try and fix you up with some dates.

I don't know why more people don't do this, it's much safer than using apps and they're likely to already have a sense of your type.

I have several single male and female friends but I would never be so presumptuous as to try and fix them up (to the best of my knowledge they're all happy single) but I certainly would give it a go if asked.

One of my (much older) friends has a real knack for matchmaking and has introduced a few couples, 2 who have gone on to get married.

Best of luck!

I go with the theory of lower your expectations but raise your boundaries.

By that I mean removing some of the filters you are applying that reduce the size of the pool of men you would consider. E.g. not restricting by height, educational attainment, salary, number of kids, appearance.. Except where you can properly articulate your standard. E.g. I want an intelligent man I can talk to but that doesn't mean I filter out guys without a PHD. Kids could be a hard boundary for you but for me I prefer a guy without small kids but for the right man it wouldn't be a show-stopper so I don't filter out guys with kids.

For boundaries you basically want to eliminate men that don't respect your hard limits and you need lots of hard limits. I don't accept; lateness, rudeness, being stood up, guys who push for sex too early, heavy drinkers, smokers, liars, guys without jobs, guys without a home (rented is fine) of their own, those still involved with an ex, those who are still married, fussy eaters, those who are mean with money (I pay my half but meanness is a proper turn off), bad sex, etc..

The first time someone breaches a hard boundary I immediately ditch them unless we have got a good way into the relationship in which case they get 1 warning (and then they get ditched).

I basically kiss a lot of frogs and discard unsuitable guys very early on. Plenty more fish in the sea!

Such great advice I need to use this lower your expectations but raise your boundaries.

I always give chance after chance, don't know why, I think people can change but they never do and continue to be muppets and walk all over me.

• *op you will find someone when you least expect it.

I 100% agree with broadening one's search horizon, as I believe having a "type" can make finding someone quite difficult. Not only because it sometimes unfairly limits the number of people we can meet, but also because sometimes we have a "type" that in reality does not suit us very well.

We all have some sort of a type and unconscious bias that attracts us to certain personality types - and sometimes these types don't actually work for us that well.

On the other hand we may have "negative bias" towards people who are not our type but could turn out to be perfect match if given a chance.

My ex fits that description @Angelsunshine . It is indeed rare. Amongst other issues, I didn't want to be with someone whose main relationship in their life was with their computer, and who was as dour as him.