Struggling friend who is always cancelling

[User41]

I have a friend who for the last 12 months has cancelled on every one on one arrangement we’ve had (maybe circa 6 arrangements) and a number of other smaller group of 3 arrangements. I have however seen her at larger group gatherings (4-6 people) maybe every 2-4 months.

The reasons she cancel sometimes vary but are usually that she is unwell (virus/cold etc). Now she is a long standing friend of 20 plus years and I know she is currently struggling with her mental health due to a traumatic family event 12 months ago. I won’t go into details as it’s deeply personal and could be outing. She does also have a health condition which can make her unwell although she never refers to that condition as being the reason and she does manage to work in a demanding job and live a fairly active family life. I also know she has met up with other friends one on one in the last year altho in fairness I don’t know if that’s been regular or not.

Now we used to meet up fairly regularly just one on one or a smaller group of 3 and I personally value that time much more than meeting up in a larger group. Just personally it makes me feel more connected to my friends to see them on an individual/small group basis. But as above she now always cancels, usually on the day and it’s confusing as it’s not just me making the arrangements for us to meet, it’s about 50:50 of her suggesting plans too.

The thing is I really don’t know whether to say anything or even what to say. I really don’t want to say anything confrontational or unkind as she struggling with her MH and also partly as I’d be concerned it’d make the wider group dynamic uncomfortable. Bht equally it is hurtful being cancelled on so regularly and making me feel like maybe she doesn’t want to be friends/close friends anymore. I also don’t want to be a total doormat/pushover.

I was thinking of saying something just along the lines of it ‘it’s a shame we couldn’t meet up. I was looking forward to it as I miss catching up with you outside of bigger group get togethers’. That way at least I’m expressing some of my feelings and that there’s an impact on me without me having a go at her when her cancellations could be due to the fact she’s struggling.

how does that sound or does anyone have any better/more effective suggestions?

I think it’s fine to say what you said. Fine also to say that you’re struggling with her cancelling a lot and would go to understand why that’s happening a lot lately.

Do you think she can be herself when she’s with you? Would you cope with her being sad/depressed/whatever and with her being honest about how she feels? Maybe you can ask her if there’s anything you can do to make meeting up more enjoyable for her and ask if she’s okay.

Maybe she is just genuinely catching a lot of colds/viruses. Emotional trauma can take a toll on the immune system and leave people more susceptible to catching things.

I mean everyone has blind spots about themselves but yes I think I am a pretty good listener who shows empathy. In the past I’ve always been available to talk when she been through a difficult situation and she has seemed happy to confide in me over the year. (And in fairness I’ve gone to her for the same).

Can I ask how you might word that Ive been struggling with her cancelling? I have to admit being assertive is something I really struggle with and is a skill I’m actively trying to work on atm. But because it’s quite new To me I’m always worrying if I’m getting the balance right.

I think general rule of thumb is that if you’re talking about how you feel and keep it about yourself you can’t go wrong. It’s okay for you to take up space in the friendship.

So literally, ‘I’m struggling with you cancelling a lot’ - if that’s how you feel. Or thrash it out here first if it helps - how does it make you feel when she cancels?

Or think about it as what you need from her (whether she’s able to give it is her stuff, but it’s okay for you to ask for what you need). Do you need some fun, need her to be there for you, do you have something on your mind you were hoping to chat through with her etc? Maybe ask her for something concrete eg “can I have some time with you if you’re free? I’d really like to chat”.

I think maybe she doesn’t want to be a one to one friend with you.

I had this with a friend previously who was suffering with her mental health. I would always reply no worries maybe some time soon etc. Once she was feeling better she explained that 1:1 was more intense and scary for her as she felt she would talk more deeply whereas bigger groups was easier as less attention on her and lighter style chit chat.
I know it's annoying / hurtful but if you've been friends for such a long time I'd give her some slack.

I had a friend that did this 50% of the time. I asked her openly what was going on and if she was unhappy to meet with me. She insisted she wasn't, but indeed, she was phasing me out. So just be careful and think about what you want and need to in a friendship

Thanks all - that’s the tricky thing she could of course be phasing me out and/or not want a close friendship.

But on the other hand it could be that she’s going through a difficult time.

The strange thing is just before this all started (with the cancellations) she was telling me how she felt disconnected from another friend and was saying how grateful she was for our friendship and how close we were.

Complicated. In an ideal world I’d ask her outright but firstly I am not sure a confrontational approach is right given her personal circumstances right now and secondly I am not sure I’d get an honest answer as we’ve mutual friends in common and it’d be bound to make the dynamic a bit weird.

I think for now I might just stick with saying how I feel - that I miss catching up one and one and maybe that I’ve struggled with the cancellations and see how things progress.

I do feel quite sad about it all tho tbh

If she feels shit but still wants to see people tis probably easier to do everyone at once in one big group rather than lots of separate little taxing events.

I agree with what @Jellyheadbang said

@Jellyheadbang thanks I hadn’t thought of it that way at all. Prob because when I’ve not been well (MH wise) in the past I’ve learnt towards wanting to catch up in c small groups/one to one. But of course everyone’s different and it could be very taxing as you say having to do that.

Id lay off the one to one invites for a while and let her recuperate. If you're an introvert it can be very taxing if you are struggling with MH/depression/exhaustion etc. You could say something like: I understand you are going through a lot, I don't want to pressure you to meet up, so when you feel up to it you let me know. And just leave the ball in her court.

I wouldn’t assume anything about what she does/doesn’t want. From a mental health perspective it depends what your trouble is. As a recovering people-pleaser I used to find groups really stressful as it was too many people to please with differing needs / I couldn’t compute it all. So like you @User41 , one on one was easier for me. Sometimes it’s not easy to articulate that until you’re on the road to recovery.

Your approach sounds great, just go in with trying to understand and see what happens.

Sounds like anxiety. I think there comes a time though where their anxiety doesn't excuse the disrespect of it.

Your time matters.

I had a friend who was always arranging stuff with me and then cancelling at the last minute.

Eventually I told her straight that it just wasn't on and called it a day. I was not the only person she did it to.

About a year later she posts to fb about her anxiety.

And I just thought 'Too little too late'. It's not an excuse. Once or twice, sure. 6 times? No.

I’d take a step back myself