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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can’t cope with extended family

7 replies

CrushedLife · 03/05/2023 17:07

Both me and DH are from dysfunctional families. We are both scapegoats. In some ways it’s good that we have each other and have an understanding of what it’s like to come from dysfunction, but the huge downside is we have hell on both sides of the family. We are NC from our perspective, but it doesn’t stop the family. They are always there, usually popping up to cause havoc on special occasions. I’m tired of it. It’s like I walk around with a constant shadow over me. They are highly manipulative and between them have done a smear campaign on us that has pretty much destroyed all of our relationships with people. We don’t know what has been said about us, but people are different with us, avoid us and when we have seen people they have sang our families praises, when they barely knew them before. We suspect they used social media to achieve their goal, as some of the people had zero connection to them before. We have now deleted our social media accounts, but I think it’s too late. We have nothing left, but each other and our DC. Though the family have told us they plan on having relationships with our DC in the future with us frozen out. We aren’t in a position to move. I can’t cope with it anymore. Life feels so pointless and stressful. There is nothing we can do to protect ourselves. It’s hell being related to these people. How do others cope in this situation?

OP posts:
Bivarb · 03/05/2023 17:27

That sounds tough but I think the best thing is to accept the situation. Unfortunately neither of you got the extended family you deserved. If they are unwilling to hear your side, then they aren't worth having in your life. You have to focus on each other and your children. It's all you need.

How cheeky of them to assume your children will even want a relationship with them "in the future". I'm sure they won't forget being abandoned and having their parents mistreated by them. If a strong relationship isn't built in the childhood years, I suspect your children won't have much of an interest in adulthood.

RoseLee04 · 03/05/2023 18:03

I am not very close to my extended family. It's not so much that we're dysfunctional (or maybe we are!) but over the years a lot of hurt and resentment has built up concerning issues of divorce, sibling squabbles, in-laws etc etc which then filter down to impacting the children and I myself find I still hold grudges just on behalf of my mother because I feel that she was very unsupported at times by her own family. My own brother and I are no longer close because he and his wife make zero effort with my husband and myself. I am far from perfect but a couple of things have happened over recent years where I realised that investment in our relationship was very one-sided. There comes a point when you realise that family really is just circumstantial. It's great if you have a close and easy relationship but if the relationship can be boiled down to seeing them at weddings and funerals and nothing else in between then really I see more value in my friends. I am pleasant and cordial with my family and keep them updated of key events but that's about it. I now live abroad so it's easier to just be independent. In your case I would feel no obligation whatsoever and literally just cut them off. I think once you have your own family you really realise the importance and true meaning of "family". How horrible you have to deal with that. The fact that some seem to want contact with your children is very weird as it doesn't seem as though they'd be a positive influence on them at all.

billy1966 · 03/05/2023 21:04

It sounds awful OP.

Why can't you move?

Spell out exactly why you and your husband cannot work towards a shared goal of moving?

Because if things are this dreadful I would be focused completely on working towards that single goal, even if it takes time.

Muppetshair · 03/05/2023 21:41

There comes a point when you realise that family really is just circumstantial. It's great if you have a close and easy relationship but if the relationship can be boiled down to seeing them at weddings and funerals and nothing else in between then really I see more value in my friends.

This is important.

Actively fill your life up with friendships old and new. You need positive, reciprocal, balanced, mutual, fun relationships with friends, colleagues and acquaintances to add value to your life and blot out the pain and gap left by family.

CrushedLife · 03/05/2023 22:56

Thank you for your replies.
@Bivarb I hope my children see through them in the future. They are such destructive people I would hate to see my children caught in their web.
@RoseLee04 It was when we had children that we realised we had to protect our children (and ourselves) from them. They seemed to get worse when we had children, or maybe it just seemed worse because we had children of our own.
@billy1966 we can’t afford to move at the moment. The cost of living crisis hasn’t helped with that one. At the moment there isn’t a way to earn more.
@Muppetshair Yes, I think this is probably the right thing to do. Fill our lives with family that we pick for ourselves. It’s so hard to trust people though when you can’t trust your own family not to hurt you.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/05/2023 23:03

I appreciate things are tough now, but things also change.

Look to the future and what you can plan long-term.

In the short term focus on your children and keep them completely away.

Do not lie to your children that they are good people, when they clearly are not.

I'm sorry things seem so hard but by planning for a different future you can take back control.

Moving far away even in a few years, could be the making of your family.

Start planning.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 03/05/2023 23:28

I know you're said you can't afford to move, but you need to make that a priority. And not just moving 5-10 minutes away. I mean moving several counties away.

One of you, whoever can be the higher earner, needs to start looking for a job in a completely different area. Once they get that job, take steps for moving out of your current place. If you own it, put it on the market to sell, if you rent, give notice.

You can live separately for a few weeks or month if necessary. Second persons starts applying for jobs as well. Find suitable accommodation at the other location, and move.

Get the hell away from both families.

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