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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Disinterested SIL - okay to stop trying

18 replies

anoldcharter · 03/05/2023 14:41

Okay, going to keep this as brief as I can, mainly because I can't be arsed going over all the many examples over the years, but I have know SIL for nearly 27 years and its always been a tricky relationship, she is very highly strung and is a bit of a drama llama - not to say that I am perfect in all of our encounters - but I'm all for a quiet life and can't be arsed with drama, so I tend to not get involved. Over the years she has gone through many 'best' friends - she is the type to give a lot of attention to those pandering to her in her drama filled life, but this is never sustainable, so the friendship soon ends and she's onto the next amazing friend.

Needless to say, me and DH being a somewhat drama free constant in her life, I've found she pays us no attention, I don't feel welcomed in her home and she has been less than a great Aunt to my DS (her only nephew I add) while she will fawn over the offspring of her latest best friend.

This is all fine, her choice to live her best life and since Covid I have drawn back even more and now I just can't be arsed making any effort with her (think inviting her over for dinner on multiple occasions and she can't even be decent enough to respond etc, not even a selection box for DS at Xmas (he is 12)) In my book, message has now been received loud and clear Grin (it takes me a while but once I'm out, then I'm out)

DH thinks I should still make an effort and go and see her for birthdays etc. But I'm out, I can't be arsed, and I'm not very good at faking it. In my book, he can go, its his sister, go see her on his own etc. Am I wrong? Would others still just go to 'keep the peace' so to speak, even though DH wouldn't make an issue of it, I know he feels that way. Am I being too stubborn 🙄it almost annoys me that I am still taking up headspace thinking about this!!!

OP posts:
Always9Oclock · 03/05/2023 14:44

You're not wrong. You don't have to see her if you don't want to. It's not the same as cutting her off, no need to be hostile, but also no need to be actively involved. It's up to your husband if he wants to continue to have a friendship with her, but you don't need to do anything you don't want to.

RoseRobot · 03/05/2023 14:47

No need to make any effort or feel any guilt or pressure. Ask him how many of your birthdays and her DNephew's birthdays she has made an effort over.

Original poster
anoldcharter · 03/05/2023 14:49

thanks both, yeah there's no hostility there, if we were all together in a room I'd chat happily etc, but I'm over giving effort to get nowt back Smile

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 03/05/2023 14:57

I know you said you don’t want to give details.
But honestly, you don’t come off great in this at all.
You sound like you keep score and are pretty entitled, your kids your business, not SIL.
I don’t understand this ’drama’ stuff, but I know people who insist that they hate it, usually are the dramatic one’s…

Original poster
anoldcharter · 03/05/2023 15:01

YouAreNotBatman · 03/05/2023 14:57

I know you said you don’t want to give details.
But honestly, you don’t come off great in this at all.
You sound like you keep score and are pretty entitled, your kids your business, not SIL.
I don’t understand this ’drama’ stuff, but I know people who insist that they hate it, usually are the dramatic one’s…

😂😂😂is that you SIL? 😂

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 04/05/2023 23:49

YouAreNotBatman · 03/05/2023 14:57

I know you said you don’t want to give details.
But honestly, you don’t come off great in this at all.
You sound like you keep score and are pretty entitled, your kids your business, not SIL.
I don’t understand this ’drama’ stuff, but I know people who insist that they hate it, usually are the dramatic one’s…

Actually it’s you that doesn’t come off great, not OP

Aquamarine1029 · 04/05/2023 23:57

I'd be telling your husband to sod off. You've wasted enough of your time on that woman.

TheUsualChaos · 05/05/2023 00:00

I think things like this are just a natural process of growing older and wiser and you learn to stop wasting your energy on people who don't deserve it. Leave SIL to DH. If there was an arrangement to meet up for a birthday or something I would probably go along just to be supportive to DH and show there are no grudges but only if it was convenient to me and not at the expensive of something I'd rather do instead. Suspect though that without you making the effort there won't be many dates in the diary going forwards.

NutellaNut · 05/05/2023 00:26

I’m amazed you put up with it for as long as you have to be honest. No, you’re not wrong. Your DH can carry on pandering to her if he likes, but why should you bother if she doesn’t?

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 05/05/2023 08:48

I had a similar issue with some of my relatives. If I didn't make the effort then we never heard from them etc. A couple of years ago, my partner commented that phones can take incoming calls and messages, and I'd tried for long enough. I think you've tried for long enough too.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 05/05/2023 08:50

Definitely let it go! Why wouldn’t you?

drpet49 · 05/05/2023 08:50

I could have written this post. Just don’t bother anymore OP.

gloriawasright · 05/05/2023 09:01

YouAreNotBatman · 03/05/2023 14:57

I know you said you don’t want to give details.
But honestly, you don’t come off great in this at all.
You sound like you keep score and are pretty entitled, your kids your business, not SIL.
I don’t understand this ’drama’ stuff, but I know people who insist that they hate it, usually are the dramatic one’s…

Ignore this !
Just give up and live your life without sil in it.
Of course you will be able to be in the same room as her at family occasions you can't miss. Funerals ,weddings etc.
You are an adult and can be civil ,even friendly around her when needs must.
But in your day to day life just move in without her.
if your dh wants a relationship with her , that's up to him .
You do not sound like you are the problem .and it's not keeping score re Christmas ,birthdays etc .you are just stating ,factually ,how little interest she has jn you or her DN.
Time to move on
You ANBU

ZekeZeke · 05/05/2023 09:53

If your DH wants to maintain a relationship and visit let him work away. You don't need to go.

Original poster
anoldcharter · 12/05/2023 08:47

thanks everyone for some great advice Smile i particularly like the bit about incoming calls @Justkeepingplatesspinning very true....

thankfully I am too old and cynical to take comments from the like @YouAreNotBatman too seriously, its good to get a range of opinions, plus it made me chuckle

I didn't go in the end, and to be fair to DH he completely understands it from my point of view, but he is an 'everything for a quiet life' kind of guy so I understand his approach too.

I definitely think it is an age related thing @TheUsualChaos its that old adage of 'no more fucks to give' playing out Grin hope others facing similar problems can harness that attitude too.

OP posts:
Original poster
anoldcharter · 12/05/2023 08:49

thanks @SunflowerTed Grin

OP posts:
billy1966 · 12/05/2023 13:03

I think mirroring in peripheral relationships is a good model.

You give back no more than you receive!

27 is an extraordinary amount of time to pursue someone who has zero interest in you.

Time to move on.

LadyJ2023 · 12/05/2023 13:15

Can't be arsed with the drama women keep away you can be friendly without being involved

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