How to start separation and manage financially?

[wobblymum1]

Very quick backstory: alcoholic DH, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. I have hit rock bottom and want to leave for the safety of the kids. we have a house we share with a mortgage.

I earn very little - £23000 a year so I can do wrap around child care. Our son is autistic.
He earns nearly triple what I do. From a quick calculator on benefits forum I think he will need to pay £600 a month child maintenance. I’ve no idea how I’ll manage with just that + my salary with the kids full time (they won’t go to him overnight) but I guess I’ll cut my cloth and make it work. Likely by downsizing to small flat in a less good area with lower council tax and hearing costs as won’t need to be a 3 bedroom family home like we have just now.

He is older than me and has threatened in past that if I leave him he’ll immediately take retirement so he doesn’t need to pay me child maintenance. He is retirement age so can do this. He has only been in recovery 10 years
and barely has any pension so don’t think that will help me.

I have 0 savings. I think he has squirrelled money away but have not proof of this and he’s very clever. His cousin is a family lawyer and will represent him for free.

Because I do work full time hours (37.5 a week) and earn the salary above From what I can see I won’t get any benefits. How do others in my position make it all add up? To even afford the divorce let alone the aftermath?

I feel so desperate I can hardly breathe. I feel trapped. And scared.

Do you get disability living allowance for your son? If not you need to apply. It will make a massive financial difference to you.

Benefits aren't based on whether you work full time or not. On that salary, with kids, you are very likely to be eligible for some UC.

Search 'entitledto' and put your details into the calculator. It will give you an idea of what mat be available to you.

Good luck

You’ll be entitled to financial support from universal credit. I separated from my ex last year and whilst I am a high earner, as my childcare costs and rent are high I get 85% back on childcare costs, 25% off council tax and money for something else (they then reduce this based on my income, but it is massively helpful).

It sounds like you are in an urgent situation, so maybe women’s aid can help?

I wouldn’t recommend you staying, even if it is to save up something.

Don’t worry about the divorce just yet, get yourself safe.

Thank you all.

I’ve applied for
DLA but still waiting to hear back.

i do need out, my daughter is scared of him when he is verbally abusive to me and I’ve just had enough. I know I need out for their sake.

i just wish wish wish I’d managed to do better in my career and be earning more so I’d more easily be able to “go it alone”. But my first was born with a congenital issue and needed round clock care and my son is autistic and i prioritised their care while working full time but in a job that has allowed me to do that rather than climbing the career or salary ladder. Kicking myself though not sure how else I’d have managed it really 😢I just never thought it would go this way I guess with my dh. oh to go back to the younger me and tell me to run a mile 😢