Waiting for commitment

[Emtaboo]

Hi
I’ve been with DP over four years and we have two DC- we’ve known each other a lot longer than this. I made it very clear all along that marriage is important to me. We’ve both been married before and in our 40s. I always thought I’d insist on being married before having children, but when your clock is ticking, sometimes you don’t want to miss the boat!
DP says he really wants this too but there are genuine financial reasons it hasn’t happened yet. Ive only recently discovered this. I’ve suggested getting engaged if he means it until the situation goes away which is a problem. This is also my commitment to him. He agreed, and I’ve told him he needs to progress this now. I’ve been open about what I want, but do not want to ‘keep on’ about it. I do not want an expensive ring, or any kind of circus, just some kind of legit promise of a commitment. How long would you leave this without bringing it up again if nothing happens after some time? I’m trying to balance meaning what I expect from him against being a nag.

If you are already living together and have two children an engagement doesn't mean anything, it isn't a commitment unless there is a wedding date set.

When you say there are financial reasons why you can't get married ... do you mean the cost of the wedding, which could be a couple of hundred?

Or does he have some financial problems that would be yours if you get married?

I don't think you have any bargaining power. He knows you want to get married, he just isn't doing whatever it takes to do it.

Accept living together or call it off.

What is the timeline?
You had DC as soon as you got together?
What financial constraints?

@Tumbler2121 , by financial reasons, I mean deft he’s accrued which he’s worried will affect me. It’s in his name, and won’t affect my credit rating etc regardless of marital status, but he feels tremendous guilt about it. He’s got it in his head that it may affect me if we’re married. You’re right though, the only way is to actually book a date x

@GreenwichOrTwicks we’ve known each other over 20 years, but been together for 4. We were together nearly two years when I got pregnant (small gap between DC and little one is only two months now. As mentioned in the other post, financial constraints are more about him not wanting his past mistakes to affect me x

He’s got it in his head that it may affect me if we’re married

No, he hasn't. That's what he's told you.

If he wanted to marry you, he would have. Essentially, you've proposed and he's spending years going 'Ummm....'

I'd be reconsidering, to be honest.

I dont buy the debt excuse - he knows it wont affect you and if anything he is using this as an excuse. unless there is something you dont know and its the dishonesty that keeps him from committing

Um what do you mean you told him to progress it. How utterly transactional is that. You can’t force someone to propose And even though you can pretend for a while it doesn’t mean he wants to marry you

You think he’s that financially illiterate he does not understand it’s his Debt?

@PaintedEgg , I think I need to uncover everything. Maybe you’re right x

@Backtothegym it sounds transactional I agree. He’s the one who says he wants to get married though. I’d never pressure him x

@Watchkeys i know what you mean. I suppose time will tell, and thank you for your advice x

What motivation does he have to get married? He seems happy as things are.

From Step Change:

Will I inherit my partner’s debt if we get married?

You’re liable for any debts in your own name only, but not for any debts only in your partner’s name. If you get married, you won’t be responsible for any credit agreements or financial obligations that your partner had beforehand.

If, however, you take out a joint loan or a mortgage or open up a bank account together, you’ll both be liable for these debts. This is called 'joint and several liability’. Residents of England and Wales are also jointly liable for any council tax debt they may owe on their property, regardless of which one of you actually pays the bill or not. Joint debts taken out by unmarried couples work in the same way.

So your partner, OP, doesn't want to marry you, I suppose

@Ladybug14. I was aware of the debt situation and that it wouldn’t affect me as none of it is joint (thank you for sharing) and that’s the most frustrating thing for me x

@Gettingbysomehow , he’s the one who says I’m the love of his life and he’s marry me tomorrow. I know what you mean though x

So tell him he can marry you tomorrow. If he puts a fantasy-problem in the way, that will tell you everything. Someone who is really ready to marry you will remove or disregard obstacles, and do it.

He is inventing an obstacle, to which you have legal proof against. Full of shit, basically.

@Watchkeys I agree, if someone really wants to marry you, they won’t put obstacles in the way. It’s very difficult when you want to believe someone but part of you is saying it’s nonsense. I suspect as another poster who replied on here suggested, that maybe there’s something else I don’t know about, which is stopping him committing. Time for another talk, I think…

The part of you that says it's nonsense is the real part, the 'you' part, that hasn't been conditioned. Disrespecting it is disrespecting yourself.

I'm kinds phobic about debts. How did he get them? Gsmbljng, overspending or unforeseen unemployment? If you marry him the debt repayment will still impact on family income. Isn't he likely to get more debt when current debt paid?

@Tumbler2121 the debt was a combination of job loss, over indulgence, and an investment that went bad. The debt already impacts on us regardless as he cannot pay regularly towards outgoings. This is currently being sorted out. I don’t think he’d ever do it again as he’s really ashamed.