Getting married but nervous

[tellmeiamnocrazy]

Name changed, but long term poster.

I have been with DP for almost 9 years, met at uni. The first 3 years were great, we lived in our university town together. The next 3 years were long distance as my DP was training and I had to return to my country which is 7 hours flight away. We saw each other 4 times a year during this time, usually for 2 weeks at a time. He also briefly moved to my country for 2 months but had to leave due to visa. Then lockdown hit, and I left him for 2 years. We reunited in 2022 and got engaged, wedding this summer, and I plan to move to his country permanently.

I am now having cold feet. Marriage is the only real way we can be together due to visa issues as neither of us have been able to find work in the others location to get a work visa. He is the love of my life and the only person I have ever loved. We are both early 30s.

I am getting cold feet because while we were 'separated' for 2 years during the pandemic (though we still spoke everyday), he was actively dating. I recently discovered one of the women he dated fell pregnant and aborted. They were dating for 6 months and quite quickly stopped using protection. He said they were never exclusive and it wasn't serious.

Am I making a mistake marrying this man? I am leaving my country to be with him and I know he loves me deeply and I love him, but my mum was a single parent and I know how hard it is to go through divorce, and I don't want this for my life.

Fact is you have misgivings that is telling you something is amiss.
You've already had a 2 year break and he was able to get out there dating and and in a relationship with no contraception (implies both wanted a family?)
Dump him, your already experiencing doubt.

He does not sound marriage material.

Yes, he is keen to start a family soon

How was he dating in the pandemic? Did you know at the time? Were you also?

Is it more beneficial to him visa wise if you are married?

He was dating for 1 year, I sort of knew, I was also dating but we were miserable without each other.

He is British, I am Canadian, so no real visa benefits either way. I will be moving to the UK to be with him.

So 9 years:
3 years great
3 years seeing each other 4 times a year for 2 weeks (so 32 weeks in total, in holiday mode)
2 years split up
1 year back together, also long distance?

Are you sure you aren't marrying him for the memory of the great three years at the beginning?

I agree with the previous poster, what do you love about him is those first three years. Him recklessly getting someone pregnant while you were talking to him every day is absolutely shocking. How can you not see that?

You are giving up your homeland for someone who really really isn't worth it.

I wouldn't marry him. You say he is the love of your life but it doesn't sound like he feels the same if he dated and impregnated another woman during the Pandemic. Did you know he was actively dating? He doesn't appear to be very committed to you and it appears you only want to marry due to the visa issue. The fact you have come here for advice and are having misgivings means you know something is wrong. Listen to your feelings and remember where there is doubt there is no doubt.

If you have the slightest doubt, please do yourself a favour & don't get married. It is much easier to rearrange a wedding than go through a divorce.

I wouldn't marry him.

It's always a bad idea to marry someone you have doubts about.
I didn't pay attention to my doubts and I had a ten year unhappy marriage as a result.

The first 3 years were incredible, but even the long distance after was special and our bond got stronger. We did grow apart around the pandemic as we were not able to see each other and couldn't figure out a way to close the distance gap.

He is the love of my life, I just can't tell whether these are normal wedding nerves or whether him getting someone else pregnant is what it making me nervous. We were very much separated at that time and even I thought I would never return to him again, so I don't hold any ill feelings towards him. We were not together, but we were still very much best friends at that time.

I just can't tell whether these are normal wedding nerves or whether him getting someone else pregnant is what it making me nervous

Come on, OP. It’s not ok, is it? They were dating for 6 months and quite quickly stopped using protection. He said they were never exclusive and it wasn't serious. That’s appalling. They were never serious, but they quickly stopped using contraception and she ended up having an abortion? He’s an irresponsible dickhead, at best.

Do you want to tie yourself to that? What if you have children and then split up? You may be stuck here, not allowed to take the children out of the country.

I think PP was right that the first three glorious years have cast a glow of perfection that really isn’t there any more.

The day that I got married, and maybe a few days before, I honestly should have known that I was making a mistake. I didn't feel good, it felt strange, I wasn't happy or excited, I felt like an imposter almost. I knew deep down I shouldn't but it felt too late to pump the breaks. The relationship did dissolve in the end and I kicked myself for a long time for ignoring my instincts. It was also long distance and we did it to be legible for a visa, much like you.
Hindsight is always 20/20 but in your shoes I wouldn't do it. Honestly. It sounds like in that time you both have changed, done things which complicate the relationship. I think you could start fresh with somebody new, I met somebody else not long after my divorce and we are a much better match than I ever was for my first husband. Its uncomplicated and easy.

I am not sure he’s done anything wrong here? You were not together, you were both openly dating other people. The pregnancy/abortion is between him and this other lady at the time. If you love him and just as Importantly, if you trust him, and you believe he loves you, then yes I would probably do it.
I would ensure you had a job and maintained your financial independence after marriage, but I would advise that to anyone, irrespective of nationality or the country you live in!

You were also dating, so is it a case of it’s okay for you to date, but not him? No matter what the issue is, you can’t have one rule for you and another rule for him.

Is it possible to hold off getting married just for a little bit and just see where the relationship goes? I don't know the exact situation with your visas, but you have had a 9 year relationship on and off and not got married yet - why the rush to suddenly get married now?

You are still recovering from the impact of Covid on your relationship. Personally I would write off whatever happened during that time, it was a weird time and you weren't able to see each other and probably didn't know whether you would ever be able to get back together. I think it's understandable that he was seeing someone else, everything was so uncertain. I would not hold that against him.

If he's making all the right noises about wanting to be with you now, and you want to be with him, then I think you should give it a chance, but talking about marriage and children sounds a little bit sudden given that you have been through this strange patch for a couple of years.

If there's any way you can make your relationship work for another year without getting married, that's what I would go for. Just give yourself that little bit more time.

It sounds like there is going to be a lot of pressure on this marriage and, if you remain unable to find work in the UK, a lot of dependence on your side. It would surely be better to keep job hunting so one of you can get a work visa for the other's country, and then live together for a sustained period first?

OP - of course your feelings are natural.
Only in fairly tales and MN life is this perfectly black and white where everything is always simple.

Main point for me in your story - you and him stayed connected despite all the obstacles life threw in your way. Despite the distance, pandemic, breaking up. You both tried to break up and date other people. And yet have gravitated towards each other.
Ir this isn’t the ‘meant for each other’ - what is?

Get married. Don’t have a child for a little bit - to see how it all feels once you are actually living together. Visas are annoying things and complicate lives but reality if this life for many.

Congratulations on finding you person in life - so many people go through life without having found them!