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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Domestic abuse

7 replies

Mummaunicorn · 02/05/2023 22:11

I left a 14 year relationship a month ago I was with him since I was 15 and from around 1 year in it was riddled with abuse literally every kind of abuse I suffered with him. We have 3 children together so ties haven’t been cut. The issue is he is still very much controlling my life, and the people in my life the minute I try to stand up to him he threatens suicide or to attack my friends and family he is at my house constantly “to see the kids” yet he follows me around not even in the same room as the kids . I’m at breaking point I really didn’t think I could feel any worse than I did when I was in a relationship with him. Can I report him for the domestic violence I suffered even thought we are now apart ?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/05/2023 22:24

Yes you definitely can report now; also get a court ordered contact agreement so he can’t just drop round and follow you in your house. Speak to women’s aid for some extra support

Mummaunicorn · 03/05/2023 09:28

I am terrified that il report him and nothing will be done, and the repercussions from that I honestly would be dead, he’s already told me he would report me for fraud as I run my own business and while I have absolutely nothing to hide I fear the detrimental effect that would have, he’s told me he will report my friends and family as drug dealers so their kids get taken away, (none of my friends and family are drug dealers) I honestly just feel like it was pointless even leaving him which was the hardest thing iv ever had to do.

OP posts:
Rhubarbandtoast · 03/05/2023 09:47

Can he just walk into your house ? He’s bullying you because he senses your weakness.
Is he on your DCs birth certificates ?
You can show you mean business by:

Changing the locks
Speaking to Women’s Aid https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Reporting him to the police. You have nothing to hide. You can’t carry on like this.
Get a restraining order on him.
Is he paying child support ?
If not, contact the Child Maintenance Service.

Get a cheap mobile and tell him he can contact you on that only, for the purposes of arranging to see the dc’s.
Block him from your personal phone and social media.

Can you secretly record him on your mobile when he’s threatening you ?
Or set up a camera or baby monitor ( don’t tell him obviously)
This will provide evidence you can show the police

I need help - information and support on domestic abuse

Not sure if you're experiencing abuse? Worried about someone else? If you or a friend need help, we are here. Learn more about our information and support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Mummaunicorn · 03/05/2023 10:21

He’s kept a key which he refuses to return
he is on the birth certificates.
I know he is bullying me and still manipulating me the minute I try to set a boundary he starts accusing me of taking his children away telling me that all his friends told him I would do this, so I relent.
the only reason I haven’t reported yet is because 1 the backlash of what he will do if he either doesn’t get any custodial punishment any sort of orders would not stop him or he was to even be let out on bail and 2 I am so embarrassed by the things I allowed him to get away doing to me for so long
i have so many pictures and videos of his abuse
he isn’t paying a penny which I refuse to ask him for anyway in fact when he does have the kids I still have to provide their meals and pay for their activities

OP posts:
Rhubarbandtoast · 03/05/2023 10:31

He has got away with so much for so long and knows he can carry on.

Please contact Women’s Aid on the link I sent.
They have an online chat option so you can chat to them today.

You need privacy in your own home.
You're not in a relationship with him so he shouldn’t be allowed to come and go.
Changing the locks should be your next step.

Changing the locks doesn’t mean you are stopping him seeing his kids.
There is a process by which he arranges a time that suits.
He knows this of course and it’s just a way of controlling you.

SavBlancTonight · 03/05/2023 10:53

Oh OP, you are doing so well to at least recognise that he is still abusing and controlling you. YOu've taken the first step but now you have to keep going.

I would call Women's Aid and get their advice and support.

Regarding the threats - this is absolutely classic. And it's effective because you have been trained by him to believe what he says and fear him. But... if he reports you for fraud, what will happen? Nothing, because you're not doing anything fraudulent (although I doubt there'd even be an investigation unless you run your own £3bn business employing 300 people....).

If he reports people as being drug dealers when they're aren't, he's just going to look like an idiot and the police won't take kindly to that. In fact, arguably, him making these false reports could be helpful to you.

He threatens suicide - offer to call Samaritans to help him.

I'm assuming that you have always been the main breadwinner or financial contributor to the family? So his control is ramping up as he's probably terrified of losing his meal ticket.

Assuming you're not married and the house is in your name, get the lock changed and tell him he can't come in any more. He will kick and scream and swear and tell you that you're being unfair etc etc. But you know you're not - it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to see the children in a different setting.

BetterFuture1985 · 10/05/2023 12:02

@Mummaunicorn Appreciate I am a week late but I couldn't just read and run because whilst the advice you've been given is generally good it is also a bit idealised. What should happen is that you should be protected from your abusive ex. What will happen is much more dependent on human frailties including those of people in authority and therefore it is not enough for you to get support from Women's Aid; what you need is hard evidence against your ex to convince a court that you need a Non-Molestation Order and - potentially - that he should get a custodial sentence depending on his offences.

First, an explanation. Think of the cover all term as a series of concentric circles. The outer ring is what organisations like Women's Aid and Refuge consider to be domestic abuse. This can be serious criminal conduct but it can also be ideological. These organisations believe domestic abuse is a gendered issue whereas the courts do not. Consequently, they will provide refuge and counselling for forms of domestic abuse that neither the Family Court nor the Magistrate's Court will necessarily view as abuse (e.g. interrupting you when you are on a phone call, following you around the house unless you can prove you were intimidated by it). The reason I mention this is that these are not going to be the most compelling examples to gather evidence for.

The next circle is what the Family Court will accept as a good enough reason to issue an NMO. There might not be enough evidence for a criminal conviction but his threats to commit suicide or threats to make false allegations against your family (provided you have at least some of these in a written form as a text message) should be enough evidence to put in place an NMO. If he breaches the NMO, he will get a custodial sentence so he has a very good reason to stay away from you. However, unfortunately because of people just like your ex you will need hard evidence. The problem is that the Family Court has to deal with false allegations on a regular basis (false allegations are a form of abuse, which I suspect you are already well aware of) made by people seeking an advantage in custody cases, financial settlements or simply to carry on controlling their victim. You said you had photographs and videos though, so I suspect you should be able to get an NMO and the authorities will move quickly to protect you. Change the locks the same day you apply for one.

The last circle is what constitutes a criminal offence. This is a narrower set of offences than the Family Court will consider and will include battery, coercive control, economic abuse and making false allegations for example. It sounds like he's guilty of some serious offences and you need to try and document them all and make sure you get your facts right. The risk if you get a date wrong for example is that he could provide an alibi for that date and dent your credibility. So do get your facts absolutely right. Women's Aid should be able to help in that respect.

Finally, some general guidance. Change your locks. Ignore his suicide claims, he's lying. Change your phone number. Change all your passwords (ALL of them). Close any accounts you share with him. Make sure your family are aware you are at risk and make arrangements with them so they know you are safe.

Oh, and I'm sure your business will be fine from the false allegations of this toerag and if he wastes police time, they'll waste his. About 6 months worth in fact.

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