Do you feel your parents misremember your childhood?

[Boxe]

Went for lunch with my mum and my husband today. She spent ages talking about when me and my brother were young. How she’d meet us at the school gate every day, we’d bake, play games, she’d slave away to do a home cooked meal and have it on the table every evening at 5pm when my dad came home so we’d all sit around and basically sing kumbaya.

That’s not my recollection at all, and not how my brother remembers either. He’s six years older than me so doesn’t remember it from his early years, or mine.

The truth is my parents did not have a good relationship. My father was a workaholic and I have practically no memories of him when I was young. Mum did stay at home when I was very young but then went back to work when I was 5 and I had a childminder after school. The childminder finished up when I was 6 so I used to walk home from school, then stay on my own until my brother got home two hours later. I have a scar on my arm from when I decided to make myself a cup of tea and knocked over the kettle.

There wasn’t any baking, and dinner was usually Crispy Pancakes, a Frey Bentos pie, or something from a Dolmio jar. There was always a roast on a Sunday but my father would eat it in the “good” room which we weren’t allowed in so we never sat eating dinner together.

My father was horrifically controlling and doing even small things became a battle. There was no physical abuse, but he was cold and could be very manipulative.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a bad childhood (this post definitely gives some of the worst examples), it just wasn’t an easy house to grow up in and I was pretty free-range once old enough to cycle. We were well provided for, but my parents really should have gone their separate ways. There was always lots of tension and they always wanted us to take sides when they’d argue. They married really young and had both grown up in very abusive households so just didn’t know how to communicate or compromise.

Before anyone asks, I don’t think my mother has any form of dementia etc. I think she has just told herself these things so often that she believes them. I’m very close to her and love her loads but anytime I tell her I remember things differently, she gets very, very defensive. I assume it’s her way of coping with such an unhappy marriage, so I tend not to push it too much anymore.

So I guess I’m not asking for advice on how to deal with my mother (she’s mid-80s now and not in great healthy, physically, so I don’t want to stress/antagonize her) but just wondering if anyone has a parent who also misremembers their childhood?

I used to be inclined to say it’s probably children remembering incorrectly (because teen insists lots of things that aren’t as he remembers, we did NOT walk with alligators, we were on a boardwalk and they couldn’t get at us!) BUT something came up recently in our family. DM was insistent that she drove and collected me and younger sibling each day from school and older one in high school got the bus. She asked me because she had been discussing it earlier with older sibling and they each had different memories.
Sibling was correct, that wasn’t the case at all. I’d collect younger sibling (6/7) from their building and walk round us a few streets away to the high school to meet the bus our older sibling got and we all went home on the bus. DM was horrified at this for some reason. I don’t know why because she wasn’t horrified enough at the time to collect us!

It’s probably your DMs way of coping because to admit life was as you remember it may cause guilt. She’s getting old and maybe looking back at her life, she has made up memories to make it seem a little more rose tinted than it all was.

I'd also be inclined to say that dcs are more likely to dramatise/ reinvent their past. Things that happened when they were small seem like a long time ago for them, but just a few years for me. I also am more aware of the context.

My Mum went further. When we were older and realised she left us with babysitters that were abusive ( my youngest brother was sexually abused by one)
she said we were such awful, disruptive kids she suffered and her only outlet was the Labour club every Sat. We were left from Friday afternoon till Sunday evening.
She actually slapped my Brother in the face when he asked for some food one Sunday evening.
She will still say to this day we had a brilliant childhood, she was a great parent.
She is now suffering from stage 4 cancer and we look after her. We don't talk about it. We just accept her life will end soon and we might heal after that.

Six of one and half a dozen of the other.

My siblings and I have different memories, my brother and I found it hard, my sister was all sparkles and rainbows (youngest child)

I thought my mum was being a bit fanciful going on about days out we used to have, as I didn't remember being taken on any of these. Turned out there were photos...

I think it's likely that the truth lies between your two recollections - that she neither 'never' or 'always' did these things.

Oh Christ absolutely
My mother makes out she was Mary poppins and showered us in affection
In reality she had shit mental health took to her bed regularly and made us feel like a burden

I think my parents miss remember as much as I probably will about my child's

But I bet you can ask 2 adults to explain something they were both involved in a few days ago and each would remember differently I just think humans do

Hahahaha yes very much so

Huge levels of selective memory and denial from both parents.

Human memory is dreadfully inaccurate. It's not like a video of the past, it's subject to change, to persuasion, to bias, to perspective. You can be convinced to remember things that never happened, to forget things that did.

Memory is malleable, and yours is probably no more accurate than your parents. Your parents are going to want to believe that they were good parents, and their memories will change over time to fit that narrative.

If you believe that you had a happy childhood, or were neglected, or were fed chips every single night, your memories will change shape to support that belief.

I used to do criminal law years ago when training and so often the person had told their story so many times they actually believed it themselves and believed they were innocent despite err not being. Reminds me of this.

This, for sure.

I mean, I think we all remember some things and misremember others. I have fond memories of holidays as a child and don't remember the rain or cold. Equally, my (now adult dc) seem to have similar memories of our holidays when they were dc and I know we've had many cold days and rainy days, but they just remember funny things that happened, or particular incidents or places or days. They also don't remember loads I did with them when they were quite small.

Yep. Born in the 70s and my mother was hormonal and scary. She makes out that I had an idyllic childhood with ‘lovely holidays and clothes’. The reality is that I was a lonely, anxious child and deeply unhappy for all of my childhood.

Same.

My dad also claims his wife ‘brought me up’ despite the fact they didn’t get together until I was nearly 15 🤔 (I left home at 17)

My Mum swears up and down her kids were never left alone home before they were in their teens. My sister and I both remember many evenings alone at home because Mum and Dad were bar-hopping or out drinking with a neighbour. Once they even disappeared for two days and nights, we were 7 and 5.

100% My dad claims that he and mum had a great relationship and were soul mates. She's long deceased. My memories are of them constantly fighting. There was always a bad atmosphere at home. I don't have a good relationship with him anyway but I can't be arsed contradicting him. He's done a lot of horrible things to me over the years, so I keep contact minimal and on a surface level only.

I should have said that the different perspectives we have extended beyond early childhood.

I’m menopausal and was chatting to my SIL about it recently, with Mum sitting nearby. I was early 20s when Mum was in menopause and it was awful. She really suffered and there were days on end when she couldn’t leave bed due to low mood. She missed a family wedding (was in the car ready to go, and then decided not to) and there were several instances where her mood as so difficult that she lashed out a lot. She started HRT and it took a while for her mood to stabilize but it went on for about a year.

On overhearing me chat to SIL, Mum’s view was basically that younger women now can’t deal with any level of discomfort, take too much notice of menopause, and in her day women just got on with it. But she didn’t. She had a very difficult menopause and needed a lot of support.

When I reminded her that she had a tough time, she dismissed me saying that she may have had to go to bed a couple of times due to tiredness, but life went on as normal.

It really did not.

She (and dad) seem to think that any negative times or memories shouldn’t be discussed. I can’t figure out if it’s a case of truly believing this narrative, or if they’ve convinced themselves.

I’m probably focusing on bigger things but there were small things too, some of them quite funny. She insists she gave up smoking when she was pregnant with my brother- there’s photos of her with a bump and a cigarette. When I pointed out the photo, she insisted it was a mark on the photo paper.

She’ll talk about us all being on holiday to X place in 197X because of a special event and how we all had an amazing time. I was born in 198X. I never had a holiday with my parents but her narrative is that we “always” went abroad. I got my first passport and took my first flight at 19.

Dad will tell people that watching me graduate was one of the proudest moments of his life. He wasn’t there. He was away with work and didn’t want to change the dates so my brother attended instead (we were allowed two guests).

I adore my mother and hope that I don’t come across negatively about her because I don’t mean to, I just struggle with our recollection being so vastly different.

It’s definitely a bonding experience for me and my brother, though.

I think everyone self edits to some extent but some people really don’t like to face an unpleasant truth so you get all sorts of nonsense!

the memory studies are amazing (I took psychology and found it fascinating). But more interesting is stuff around self perception and how that affects your narrative.

FWIW op, I definitely have this with my mum too. Just little things like she swears she was always really early to pick us up but I remember being the last one outside the gates quite frequently and being constantly worried they would be late/forget. I also remember walking to our family business in the centre of town when I was forgotten and having to make the decision of whether to go or not (before the days of mobiles). Both are probably right - I think she recalls me being 5-9 and I remember 9-12 more!

There were five of us in my childhood homes but we all remember things so very differently. I dont trust my memories or theirs. I think we've all told ourselves stories where infrequent events felt regular to a 5 year old or irregular events felt like they happened all the time to an adult.

This.

My Mum is the same OP. She tells me to just “say no” to my kids, criticises others use of screens and convenience food. She had zero control over my eldest brother, he was really aggressive to her, (just saying “no” was not a solution), she never cooked except on a Sunday when we’d all have to make a big fuss over whatever meal she made - it was only ever simple like spag Bol and she never took us anywhere or did anything - if there were tablets she’d have 100% used one.

It’s frustrating as she makes out like she’s speaking from experience and she’s absolutely not. I think she bases it on what she admires in other people’s parenting rather than her own.

My mother cheerfully claims not to remember anything about the 1970s as that was the decade her marriage went bad and my dad left her and she was depressed for years.

Well cheers Mum. I was 8 to 18 years old in the 1970s. All those years of my childhood when you didn't actually give me any attention.

She thinks we had some sad times but generally it wasn't "too bad". I disagree.

DH played football as a teen. He says that he cycled to matches, or got a lift with a friend if it was further away. His parents have never denied this, but they do say how awful it was that my FIL's parents never went to watch him play rugby. But somehow it was ok for them not to! People are strange.

Yes.

I was raised by my GM who fucked up my DF something rotten.

She denied alot of his accusations, gaslighted him on an industrial scale for pretty much his whole life.

GM done some very odd things when I was growing up which actually messed me up quite a bit, years later, when talking about them she'd outright deny them. She would make out I was either making them up or misremembering.

I recognised it as the similar to what she'd done to her son, my dad.

DF recently passed at a very young age, whilst GM still plodding on. I no longer talk to her because of how she likes to gossip, cause drama and lie about me to my siblings.

Yes my mother is the same. She's Mary Poppins who sacrificed her entire life for us, cooked a homemade meal every night and ensures everyone knows she was a saint.

In reality those meals were frozen shit or things like liver & onions that we were force fed until we cried. If we didn't eat properly we had to sit in the garden "like pigs".

She kicked me out at 15, after spending my life telling me that she was going to send me to a children's home. She wanted a child who was "pretty and thin".

She fabricated illnesses in both me and her all my childhood, causing me to have umpteen tests and prescriptions (which she threw away). She hit my father with household objects on a weekly basis. She sprained my arm and lied at the hospital how it happened.

But she tells everyone I was this demon child that she couldn't control and that I chose to leave home - yes I did once it was threatened/offered, because she forbid me to study for my GCSEs at her house. But she doesn't tell that part.

She now spends her days telling everyone how heartbroken she is because I don't visit anymore.