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Original poster

Watching him drink wine winds me up

25 replies

DustyLee123 · 02/05/2023 21:31

I know I’m probably being unreasonable, but watching my DH drink a glass of wine is making me feel quite angry. I’ve said he’s an alcoholic, he says not, he’s reliant. Well either way I don’t want to see it.
DH has drunk a bottle of wine a night for many, many years. I’ve stopped drinking due to it affecting my sleep, and it’s not good for you anyway.
A while back I asked him not to drink it in front of me and the kids, I go to bed at 10pm and he sits up late, so has plenty of time to drink. Two nights recently he’s sat with us drinking. It really annoys me, I don’t want to see it, knowing the financial and health implications, and I don’t want the kids to think it’s normal.
‘Talk me down please, I know I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 02/05/2023 21:41

I'm sure someone will be along in a minute to tell you a bottle of wine each night isn't a big deal.

But that would be bullshit.

I'd also wonder if he is drinking more once you go to bed.

That being said, you're still being unfair. Because you're staying with someone who you believe to be an alcoholic who is uninterested in getting help for their problem.

Heaven knows the damage he is doing to his liver. Do you want to care for him when it starts to fail?

I'd be packing my shit and going. In telling him to do it once you've gone to bed, you are enabling him to carry on.

Either shit or get off the pan.

Original poster

DustyLee123 · 02/05/2023 21:43

I know it’s just the one bottle. And I agree, it’s far too much.
Yes I should go, I know, I’ve tried but he said he’d change and stop drinking.

OP posts:

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 21:44

I'm sure someone will be along in a minute to tell you a bottle of wine each night isn't a big deal.

A bottle of wine a night is ridiculous but from what I can see he doesn’t drink that much anymore? If he does he needs help.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 21:44

I dated an alcoholic for three years, lived with him, I should have left much earlier! They don’t change

Original poster

DustyLee123 · 02/05/2023 21:45

Yes, one bottle a night. Every night.

OP posts:

Backtothegym · 02/05/2023 21:53

I’ve a friend who does this, she doesn’t get drunk. She’s actually very fit and healthy , slim, exercises, is fully tested regularly due to a family medical history and no Liver issues.

personally I think if you chose to stay you don’t get to dictate what he does. That’s controlling. If you don’t like it. Leave.

Kissedbyfire1 · 02/05/2023 21:55

So he’s damaging his health, he’s pissing you off, he’s setting a bad example to your children and he’s spending somewhere iro £250 per month on booze? Any upside?

pointythings · 02/05/2023 21:57

If he's drinking a bottle of wine every night that's 70 units a week. That's health damage territory. You need to think seriously about the future of your marriage, because if his drinking is making you this unhappy, then it's a problem. And if he doesn't want to do anything about it then you have to.

@Backtothegym clear liver function tests are absolutely meaningless. The liver is a wonderful organ - it will take damage for years and keep going, with LFTs coming back absolutely fine. Until one day it's all too much, it craps out on you completely and you're into serious damage territory. Your friend is being an idiot. Alcohol misuse also affects the heart and causes cancer.

Original poster

DustyLee123 · 02/05/2023 21:59

It does make me unhappy, it’s a waste of money and health.

OP posts:

Unananana · 02/05/2023 22:00

You must be rich to afford that! I guess his life insurance won't be worth much as his death would be self inflicted.

Drinking 70 units a week....that end is probably closer than you think.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 02/05/2023 22:03

There's no point trying to put boundaries on his drinking, it won't work and it will only frustrate and hurt you. Focus on you and your DC, get some counselling if you can afford it, maybe go to some Al-Anon meetings, think about your options. At some point your DC will realise their Dad is drinking alot whether he's drinking that secretly or in front of them. Neither sends a good message to them. This will keep creeping into your life, he may well start drinking more at some stage, maybe that's what those 2 nights are. It's really hard to tell with an alcoholic how much they actually drink and if one bottle has become 2 or more over time. The best way to protect your DC front this isn't to try and make his drinking more secretive, it's leaving.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 22:18

Backtothegym · 02/05/2023 21:53

I’ve a friend who does this, she doesn’t get drunk. She’s actually very fit and healthy , slim, exercises, is fully tested regularly due to a family medical history and no Liver issues.

personally I think if you chose to stay you don’t get to dictate what he does. That’s controlling. If you don’t like it. Leave.

Are you the “friend” by any chance? Blood tests only show issues when there are serious problems. And he has two kids!! Do you think it’s fair on them having to live with an alcoholic?!

OP you’re probably going to get a lot of defensive posts from other alcoholics telling you his behaviour is fine, it isn’t.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 22:19

Unananana · 02/05/2023 22:00

You must be rich to afford that! I guess his life insurance won't be worth much as his death would be self inflicted.

Drinking 70 units a week....that end is probably closer than you think.

Rich?! You can buy a cheap bottle for £5.

houseselling · 02/05/2023 22:20

Does he know he is an alcoholic?

Could he do one week dry if you insisted?

Backtothegym · 02/05/2023 22:21

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 22:18

Are you the “friend” by any chance? Blood tests only show issues when there are serious problems. And he has two kids!! Do you think it’s fair on them having to live with an alcoholic?!

OP you’re probably going to get a lot of defensive posts from other alcoholics telling you his behaviour is fine, it isn’t.

Show quote history

What an odd response. You do understand this is an anonymous forum. Of course I’m not the friend, if it was me, I’d say, as this is anonymous.

and due to a very serious illness causing early death for her mother she has very signficant testing of multiple organs annually. So yes she has liver function tests done and she’s no issues.

do I think it’s fair, I don’t really judge, it’s not my thing to do so. But you crack on.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 22:40

Backtothegym · 02/05/2023 22:21

What an odd response. You do understand this is an anonymous forum. Of course I’m not the friend, if it was me, I’d say, as this is anonymous.

and due to a very serious illness causing early death for her mother she has very signficant testing of multiple organs annually. So yes she has liver function tests done and she’s no issues.

do I think it’s fair, I don’t really judge, it’s not my thing to do so. But you crack on.

Show quote history

Yeah you don’t judge a man drinking heavily with young kids but yet you judge the mother for being unhappy with her children growing up in that environment and call her “controlling”.

Original poster

DustyLee123 · 03/05/2023 06:52

houseselling · 02/05/2023 22:20

Does he know he is an alcoholic?

Could he do one week dry if you insisted?

I said that he’s an alcoholic, he said no, but admitted to being reliant. Don’t see the difference personally.
At that time he said that he wanted to stay together and that he’d stop drinking. It lasted 4 or 5 nights.

OP posts:

PissTakeSubstitution · 03/05/2023 06:57

@pointythings is right, just because there’s no obvious damage doesn’t mean his health is fine. My friend drank too much for years and got away with it. Until he didn’t. Admitted to hospital with cirrhosis and was dead 3 weeks later. He “only” drank a bottle a night too. Except he didn’t. That’s just what he told us.

Citadel8 · 03/05/2023 06:58

Only you can change the pattern because he certainly won’t. My dad shut off his whole family for his love of alcohol and died age 59.

HairyFarnbarn · 03/05/2023 07:07

You will definitely get lots of defensive posts from bottle a night alcoholics (but I go to the gym! I’m healthy!) however the main issue is his total lack of respect for you. You’ve asked him to stop for the sake of your family and marriage and he can’t/won’t.

thats a huge problem.

Maryslargelamb · 03/05/2023 07:18

You are not being unreasonable!

gohomepleasenow · 03/05/2023 07:29

Horribly true that many many people are in the boat with you, Al-anon is a good source of change but I appreciate that's a big step to take, Grace Chatting on yt has a playlist called how to survive living with an alcoholic that's a good eye opener and a spice of support. x

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/05/2023 07:33

The thing is that you can't tell him to stop. You're found that out. He will only stop if he wants to. All you can do is decide whether to put up with it and stay or whether to go.

Just as an aside, my dentist told me that a lot of people lose their teeth in their 50s, if they have been drinking every night, because even though they might brush their teeth, they're not careful enough because they are drunk. Also the alcohol stays in your mouth longer than that. He said if the next morning you spit, and there's a trace of red wine in your saliva, you might as well have not brushed your teeth at all. And no, he wasn't talking about my teeth!

GreyCarpet · 03/05/2023 07:35

Why do you think you're being unreasonable?

What is the difference between an alcoholic and someone who is 'reliant' on alcohol?

One bottle of wine every night is too much. Anyone who tells you it isn't is projecting.

SkyandSurf · 03/05/2023 07:54

He's a drunk.

I'd consider leaving.

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