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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me?

18 replies

Blanketyblank04 · 02/05/2023 19:56

Name change for this one - regular poster.

I have been seeing someone for almost two years. We worked together a long time ago in our late teens and got together after 30 years. Not that relevant to my question but just a bit of background.

We are both divorced. He is very kind and loyal; has morals and integrity (the complete opposite to my ex) but..... he can be a bit coarse/purile and I'm really struggling with it. I have spoken to him about it and sometimes he laughs it off or rolls his eyes and says it's just a joke and other times he says he is trying. Examples are - we were walking together and saw our reflections in the window. I said 'look at my legs!' as they looked really elongated for some reason and he said 'I noticed them earlier, I like them but especially what's in between them'. Whenever we talk about ANYTHING he makes a double entendre and I'm getting sick and tired of it. Sometimes it gives me the ick and sometimes I find it embarrassing - he's like a silly 13 year old boy (no offence but hopefully you get what I mean). For context, we don't see each other much as he works away and I have DS9 so aligning free time is tricky but, we do speak every day. I am also perimenopausal and don't really want sex much at the moment but I'm starting to think it's because of him that I don't want to, not just because of my hormones.

I don't know what to do. If I call things off, I'm worried I will regret it but equally, if this carries on I might scream. And he will be extremely hurt. Look, I don't expect him to be a suave James Bond type but I draw the line at Jay from The Inbetweeners. Advice please.

OP posts:

rainraingoawaay · 02/05/2023 20:01

I think at the age he's at (I'm guessing 40s from your OP) if that's how he is, that's how he is. If he hasn't matured by that age to not making comments like that, I doubt that he will going forward.

If it's enough to make you want to scream now, imagine being relaxed and retired in your 70s and he's making titty jokes?

Original poster

Blanketyblank04 · 02/05/2023 20:02

We're both 52 😊

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 20:10

I said 'look at my legs!' as they looked really elongated for some reason and he said 'I noticed them earlier, I like them but especially what's in between them'. Whenever we talk about ANYTHING he makes a double entendre and I'm getting sick and tired of it.

Fucking GROSS. Honestly, that's just disgusting and I can't figure out why you're still spending time with this perverted creep. There are a million, respectful ways for his to express that he fancies you, but he chooses to do so like an absolute pig. Even more alarming is that you have told him you don't like this behaviour but he still carries on. He has no respect for you, and there is no hope for him ever changing.

Dump and block this creep.

33goingon64 · 02/05/2023 20:15

DH cracked a few 'jokes' like this early on on our 18 year relationship. I told him they weren't funny and he sounded like a lecherous twat. He stopped (largely). Just tell him how you feel. If he doesn't respect you, dump him.

skitt · 02/05/2023 20:19

My exh had a friend like this. I nicknamed him "Smutty". Every single bloody thing was a double entendre. Nice man but 🤮🤮🤮 - such hard work (arf,arf as he would say) and really not so nice at all.

Notaboutthebass · 03/05/2023 12:54

Oh my god what an annoying and childish man. That would put me off him massively and I would get rid. If you don't want to do that yet, maybe give him ONE chance to change, but I don't think he will!

Watchkeys · 03/05/2023 13:07

Yes, it's you.

Do you think that means you should dismiss the issue?

LadyJ2023 · 03/05/2023 13:46

Hubby n I r much younger and if he said anything like that it would actually turn me off, so I can't imagine how yuck it sounds from someone my parents age. Not for me those kindof remarks lol

Original poster

Blanketyblank04 · 03/05/2023 18:16

It's difficult because he is a nice person other than this behaviour which, for me, is killing the relationship. He's away at the moment but when he's back, I will have to speak to him about it.

I've never known a man to be like this, of any age!

Because I only see him once a fortnight, I suppose I just get on with my life and it doesn't bother me because he's not physically there saying these things. When he made that comment the other night, we'd just had a lovely meal out by the harbour and then he went and spoilt it. And he doesn't even think what he said is wrong.

OP posts:

Clementineorsatsuma · 03/05/2023 18:20

33goingon64 · 02/05/2023 20:15

Yes. This.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 03/05/2023 18:20

Oh no that goes through me. I started seeing someone who after initially love bombing me started getting cruder and cruder. Seriously gave me the ick. If this is how he is at 52 then he isn't going to change. I'd definitely have a conversation with him and just tell him you really aren't into talking like that and watch his reaction. If he reigns it in great, but if he dismisses or minimises you then he would be showing massive lack of respect.

Original poster

Blanketyblank04 · 05/05/2023 11:25

We just FaceTimed. We've not spoken much over the last few days as he's had a friend staying with him.

Anyway, we were talking and he asked how I was getting on with my new tablets (Utrogestan/HRT) and I said they completely knock me out and I'm asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. He said 'well you'd better not sleep with me then'. I asked him what he meant and he said 'well, I don't want to get accused of doing something'!! So yet again, another stupid comment which he thinks is funny but infers something that's absolutely not. So I told him to stop and that this is a major issue for me. He said he could see I was annoyed and would take it on board but also that he didn't want to change his character and walk on egg shells. He also said that 99.9% of the population wouldn't be as annoyed as I was! I told him that in all my 52 years, a man has never said these things in my presence and he was the one with the issue and maybe we're just not compatible. I've not mentioned on here all the things he has said (which he finds amusing) but there is more.

He ended the conversation at that point because he didn't want to 'get accused of anything else'. He looked very hurt and I don't want to see him like that but I can't put up with it anymore. I didn't want to have the conversation that way (over FaceTime) but I couldn't just let it drop.

I do struggle knowing that I've upset someone so this isn't easy for me. Anyway, just thought I'd update.

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 05/05/2023 12:17

So where's the respect? The respect that a man should have for the woman he loves? I'd be calling him a dirty old man and just finish it if he doesn't stop.

Newestname002 · 05/05/2023 13:04

He also said that 99.9% of the population wouldn't be as annoyed as I was!

I wonder where he got these stats from. I can't recall anyone saying things like this to me whilst having a normal conversation: not at any age. Time and place OP. And yes, where is his respect for you if he continually behaves like this knowing it upsets you? 🌹

concernedalot · 05/05/2023 14:00

Tell him 99.9 percent of your friends, including yourself, think he sounds like an immature lecherous cretin who isn't in the least bit funny, then end the relationship. Sounds like it's getting there anyway. Totally cringeworthy slimy 'jokes' are not attractive to anybody.

AntoniaMacaronia · 05/05/2023 14:19

I do struggle knowing that I've upset someone so this isn't easy for me.

Do you mean you struggle having upset him for telling him how you feel about his purile thoughts towards you? Why does his hurt face have more priority over your standards and boundaries?

He's trying to manipulate you into accepting his behaviour. And if you accept this, what will be next?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/05/2023 14:32

He sounds like a fucking weirdo the more you post the more I think get rid

HarrietStyles · 05/05/2023 14:53

Ugh yuck that would give me the total ick. I would be really honest with him that this is a deal breaker for you, either he stops it or it is the end of the relationship. You want a gentleman not Jay from The Inbetweeners.

The most recent “joke” is really rapey and not at all funny. Would be a 🚩 for me.

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