When a zombie (ex) returns...

[singsingsingsingsing]

About 10 years ago I had an intense love. We were in our early 20s, so we were young and naive, but the biggest problem was the distance. We lived a 5 hour flight from each other.

When we were together it was magical, but when apart it became strained. We missed each other, which caused arguments, and jealousy. He had pictures out with girls every night which made me feel insecure, but I was still studying and not in a position to immigrate at that point, and neither was he.

One day the argument was so bad he dumped me on the phone and blocked me on everything. He told me never to speak to him again. I was so upset I had sex with my ex as a rebound. It didn't really help but we do stupid things sometimes don't we.

A couple of weeks later he unblocked me and we started talking again. I told him the truth about me and my ex, and he basically saw it as cheating on him and said he would worry about marrying me in future as maybe I would go and cheat on him after a fight.

A few weeks later we spoke about getting back together, and I lent him money - only about £100 but it was urgent. He has never returned this. Then, suddenly he told me he has a girlfriend and they are living together and called me lots of abuse down the phone.

I was so heartbroken, I blocked him on everything and only asked for my money back. He said he would give it in 3 months to a family member, but then he didn't. At that point I sent him a message to say, I don't care about the money, but for my mental health I need you out of my life for good. I then decided to forget him and erase it from my life. That was 9 years ago and the last message we ever exchanged, until 2 weeks ago.

I am now in my early 30s and married - to my ex boyfriend from before this relationship. I'm not proud to say, I felt so alone and needed someone, I needed to forget and return to how it was before, so I returned to a toxic situation to get away from another toxic household with my parents. Now, I am married to an emotionally abusive husband who shouts, screams and coercively controls me, and threatens me if I don't do what he says. He gets worse and worse every day, but since we married I am treated like dog shit as he knows I'm locked in with the mortgage, marriage etc so he can do what he pleases. He knows I have little support outside so I'm weak. We have no love, no sex, we don't go out together or share a bed. We share bills and a mortgage. I honestly don't care if he has an affair or what he does, as long as he doesn't shout at me or make my life hell.

The previous guy messaged me out of the blue, saying he owes me an apology. We spoke for a long time, being honest about the past. He said the girl pretended to be his girlfriend to get revenge for me 'cheating', although they did start a relationship for real in the years after.

He found out through a family member that I was married. He said he was upset when he found that out, and wanted another chance with me, that I was one of the only ones he had ever loved. He said maybe it would work now we are older and more mature.

At first I dismissed his words. When I knew him he was young and innocent, now he is a bit of a play boy - he is brutally honest about his life now. He clearly knows how to say the right thing to women.

But maybe it's my loneliness and unhappiness with my marriage, but feelings I've buried for nearly a decade are slowly starting to seep back. I loved who I was with him, I've never been so happy. For the last few years I've accepted, this is my life now, life isn't perfect, I'll learn to live with it. I've believed I'm strong, cynical now, and immune to falling for silly situations.

But at the love bombing me tor a couple of weeks, he's been silent for days. I know it would never work - he is now in another country 8 hours flight away. But we can't control our thoughts can we.
I'm looking for someone to slap some sense into me. I just want to carry on focusing on just myself, getting through each day and not caring about love and feelings. By doing this I've avoided getting hurt for years, I would rather not love at all than love and lose again.

You sound so sad, please look into leaving, it doesn't matter if you lose out a bit financially the freedom and peace of mind will be worth it.
I don't think you should try to rekindle things with the player, just focus on being good to yourself and deciding what type of relationship you would like eventually.
Life goes too quick to waste it in a sexless, friendless marriage, you deserve more. Start making plans for a new life, there will be a way if you put your mind to it and it will 100% be worth it not to walk on eggshells every day.
Hoping you have better days ahead x

You only get one life - why are you wasting yours because of a mortgage!?

He was not a good guy and he's still not.

Lending money and never paying it back is a very very poor sign of character.

Accusing you of cheating after he fucking dumped you/you finished was abusive. It suggests an "you don't own me but I own you" attitude.

I don't believe his story about the pretend gf to get back at you for your (non) cheating. I think he's lying.

He's admitted he's a bit of a playboy, I'd say that's correct.

He's dishonest, lacks integrity, and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Don't look to him because you're unhappy in your marriage.

You can get out of your marriage if you want. Nothing is unsurmountable.
It doesn't even sound like there are kids involved yet.

that I was one of the only ones he had ever loved

One of the only ones lol.
Oh aren't you privileged to be a member of such a select group.

He doesn't treat people he loves very well given you said;

"He had pictures out with girls every night which made me feel insecure".

He was playing the field even then, by the sounds of it.

I bet you didn't have photos of you put every night with other guys.
I bet he wouldn't have taken that off you for a second.

I have a feeling he was not platonic with all those girls all the time; but when you had sex with someone else after you two finished, he was enraged. Again, he sounds like the "I'm not yours, but you're mine" type.

I loved who I was with him, I've never been so happy

You've actually described a very long distance relationship in which his behaviour - understandably - made you feel insecure and which had quite a lot of jealousy, insecurity, instability etc.

So you weren't actually "so happy". But you were younger, carefree etc at that time of your life and it's probably more that .. you're just associating it with the relationship.

The fact is your current relationship is so bad; anything seems good compared to it, as well.

I think you should use this as the catalyst to end your marriage.

Make an appointment to speak to a solicitor to find out exactly what the position would be if you divorced!

I would also. Woman's aid who can help you make a plan to leave this abusive relationship.

No slapping here op.

Wish I could give you a massive hug and help you pack your bags tho. Not for the other guy, but because you shouldn't be with your husband. He's abusive. You don't deserve that. You deserve to be free of him and then and only then can you even consider the other bloke.

But you need to love yourself first.

Your H sounds horrible but this guy doesn’t sound much better. We tend to remember the good stuff from the past and to block out the rest, but he treated you pretty horribly.
Look into the freedom program, work on your confidence and maybe be on your own for a bit.

Hi @singsingsingsingsing i'm so sorry you're going through this x
Your husband sounds absolutely awful, he is completely wrong for the way he behaves towards you.
Please think about leaving this abusive relationship. You got this ok 💪 sending you lots of strength to get through this time xx

Don't stay with your husband because of a mortgage. That's not worth your happiness. It does sound like a case of "grass is greener" when thinking about the old flame, but that wasn't emotionally ideal either. I'd say call quits on them both and find happiness for yourself.

Do not believe a word of what this person who lives an eight hour flight away says to you he sounds manipulative.
Do leave your horrible husband.

You do seem to pick them. This old flame of yours was really badly behaved and treated you appallingly. The last thing you should do is jump from one terrible relationship to another. However, you are unhappy in your marriage. Maybe this is the catalyst to end it. As others say, you only get one life, don't waste it with people who don't treat you well.

You do seem to pick them

This phrase gives me the rage.

It seems very victim blamey.

Noone knows what someone is like when they "pick" them.

It's only when their behaviour shows after weeks, months, even years; so it's not picking them, it's staying when the red flags and shit behaviour appear.

Staying is understandable for many reasons including youth and inexperience and naivety - the the case of the first guy.

Anyway first guy; neither of these guys are decent partners.

"first guy or husband

There are more then two men in the world. Both of them are twats.

How much of the time were you happy?
Because from your description, it sounds like he made you extremely unhappy most of the time.

You have the self awareness to realise you went from one toxic situation to another, but not the awareness to realise you are doing it again.

If you are unhappy in your relationship, leave. Do some work on yourself. Set boundaries. If, after all if that you still want him, then go for it.

I had an ex like this but thankfully we both realised how it would play out. We agreed not to badmouth each other, but to never see each other again. It was for the best.

Jesus Christ woman! Forget them all, divorce the abusive husband and work on yourself. Your first love was abusive. Controlling. You just felt all loved up and saw it through rose tinted glasses. A committed man who adored you wouldn't have been posting photos of him out with girls (or even been out with them!). He also, as others have said, had the "I own you but can do what I like" attitude when it came to the break ip. He dumped you. He ended the relationship. He had zero justification to be mad at you when he had already blocked you on all platforms. You're not Ross and Rachel and you were not on a break.
This is a pattern, going for controlling abusive partners. It's not your fault and you don't cause them to be horrible but you need to make sure you won't put up with it. Break off the marriage, get your investment back out of the joint house and start again. Actual nice men are out there.