Struggling with in laws and extended family

[Jumpingjunipers]

I have been with my DF for 3 years and we’re expecting a baby.
I don’t have any family after going no contact due to a childhood of abuse and neglect. I got help and made a life for myself which I’m very proud of.
As I have no experience of ‘normal’ family life or relatives I have realised I am struggling with the relationships I’ve formed with DF family.
They are (mostly) all wonderful people who welcomed me into their family without a second thought, I couldn’t fault them or how they have treated me, I’m incredibly lucky and thankful to have found people to call family.
MIL has been a rock to me since day 1. However I’m finding her increasingly overbearing. She makes plans on my behalf and tells me what I should and shouldn’t do. It makes me feel like a teenager and not a 30 year old woman/mother. She has expressed opinions to DF she hasn’t told me herself which have been hurtful. Nothing serious but enough to make me question if she does like me. I’m fairly sensitive and if I feel someone doesn’t like me as I am I take it personally and put my guard up.
FIL thinks I’m not emotionally mature enough for a baby due to my childhood. Again I got help for this and I made peace with it. It’s no longer in control of me and I am finally happy. It doesn’t dictate who I am or what type of parent I will be. My baby will be loved and definitely not treated the way I was. I’m not sure what more a mother could do to prove they will be the best parent possible.
Siblings have all been great and make me feel very relaxed in their company.
Unfortunately there are some who have affected that. DF’s aunt called me ‘damaged goods’ early on and encouraged DF to find someone else who is more ‘stable’. While she’s polite to my face I have never forgotten this comment and I feel uncomfortable in her presence.
DF’s grandparents also feel the same as their daughter (the aunt) and will not visit if I am at MIL and FIL house. They want to see the baby every day despite being an hour journey each way, and have even chosen a name that I am expected to use. It’s clear they don’t like me and go to great effort to make degrading comments to DF which he doesn’t know I am aware of.
MIL has stuck up for me many times which I appreciate, but it’s unsettling feeling like I am not up to any of their standards for DF. To make up for it she is very suffocating, ringing me each day and taking washing home with her to help me. Of course I’d never show anything but gratitude but I don’t need her washing my underwear!
Perhaps it is some social anxiety I suffer with as I locked myself away for many years, but they are a very close and outgoing family which is intimidating to me at times.
I worry I will struggle with the constant intrusion after the baby is born and find the socialising too much.
DF is understanding and supportive. He knows his family can be a bit ‘in your face’ and finds them exhausting himself, but they are his family and will be a constant presence in my life regardless. I don’t know how to approach the subject of feeling hurt by some of the comments and that it will cause a divide if they can’t be happy for us without the rudeness. I don’t want to pull him from his family or be seen as a trouble maker, but I feel they need to take a step back slightly and let us be a family without the suffocating.
There was an incident yesterday which has prompted me to post this and feel it’s the final straw, that they need to mind their business essentially and stop treating DF like a child who needs supervising around me. I still have counselling from time to time so I will bring this up, I know there’s a chance it’s all in my head as it’s very new to me, but I’m not comfortable any longer and I’m not sure what to do about it.
Any advice please? Sorry it has churned out so long, I hope it makes sense.

Definitely don't let any relative choose your baby's name. That really is overbearing behaviour if they insist on that.

I don't think it is 'all in your head', trust your instincts.

It's clearly making your stressed and anxious which is not good for the baby or you.

It sounds like you and your husband need to have a talk about how often you see relatives and how often they can come to the house and what you are both comfortable with etc. Sometimes it is very difficult to get relatives to treat you like adults even when you have your own children....I know from experience...so you have to be very firm and give them boundaries and rules to stick too.

Later on, decide when you want them over to see the baby and how long for. No unexpected visits please. Put a note on your front door so it's clear when the baby is sleeping if they don't listen to you and random visits become a problem.

You can use 'baby needs to nap now' or 'needs a feed now' as a prompt for them to go if you need too. Set their expectations and then follow through with them every time.

They sound a mixture of suffocating, domineering, nasty, disrespectful and bullying.

This is NOT going to end well.

Stop worrying about your partners relationship with their family.

Start looking at protecting yourself and backing away from them.

They will absolutely ruin your experience of early motherhood and put you at risk of PND.

Dictating what you call your child is totally batshit.

They are batshit.

You are very vulnerable.

Look at moving away from them.

Tell your partner you will no longer put up with any of this bullying disrespectful behaviour.

If they have keys, change the licks.

Stop seeing so much of these people.

All credit to you for cutting all ties with your own abusive family of origin.

Its not you, its them and its not all in your head either. They are emotionally dysfunctional people you are writing about; they are not safe and or emotionally healthy people at all to be around.

It is not your fault his parents and relatives are the ways they are and you did not cause that to happen.

Your DF and his reactions are key here going forward. He must not continue to use you as some sort of buffer between he and his enmeshed parents and wider family; all of whom are enmeshed to each other. His inertia too when it comes to his parents (he knows all too well what they are like but has not protected you from them effectively) hurts him as well as you and he needs to be told that. If you cannot openly tell him how his parents and relatives are making you feel then you need to ask yourself why.

I would seriously consider giving this child your surname rather than his when baby is born. Your child; your rules here and do not take any notice of people who are demanding and or otherwise insisting on using a prescribed name of their choosing for your as yet unborn child.

Overbearing people like his mother are not nice, please remember that. Both of you need to present a united front when it comes to his relatives and there is a real need here to enforce firm and consistent boundaries to them. I would certainly cut all contact with his mother's sister.

A lack of boundary setting has given them carte blanche almost to wipe their feet all over you. They know of your own background and have taken full advaatage of making you think they are nice when infact they are wolves in sheep's clothing. His father has said truly awful things about you and your fiance should be aware of such comments. His mother has felt able to come into your house and take care of your washing. I presume you did not allow her in to do this. If she phones up make the call short. Be less available to them all going forward. If she knocks at your door do not let her in readily and be ready to go out yourself. Do not let her take your washing any longer and or under any circumstances; its not help if you are not asking.. She thinks you and in turn her son are incapable of being adults here hence all this about her taking your washing home.

You don’t have to still see or talk to these people just because they are "family". If they are treating you like shit then drop the rope and be done with them. He may well want to continue to have a relationship with his family but it does not follow that you have to do so.

Do raise these issues with your counsellor; I would ask this person directly how much experience they have had regarding enmeshed family units because if they have not I would look for another counsellor to work with.

I would read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward as a starting point.

Also if they are toxic/enmeshed/abusive or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your child also. I would keep your child well away from them going forward.

I would also consider moving far away from them; that may sound a tad drastic to you. However, you need to put real physical as well as emotional distance now between you two and them.

Why do they know so much about you?
I’d be putting them on an information diet and don’t let them pop in uninvited.

You need to get your DF firmly on board.

I agree with @billy1966 .

You need to have a sit down conversation with your DF about this.

Your DF needs to stand up for you more, not less or expect you to accept their family just because. Life doesn't work like that.

You and your DF get to name the baby. No one else.

You, and I cannot stress this enough, do not have to make round trips of 2 hrs to see your DF's family.

I really would consider moving further away. I'd also try to work out and come up with some healthy boundaries that you can implement for you to make things work for you. For example, if someone says that you need to travel to see X and bring the baby with you, you simply say "That won't work. If X wants to see the baby, they will have to contact me and I'm sure we can arrange something". Straightforward boundary in place right there.

Best of luck to you.

These behaviors are objectively bad on their part:

"However I’m finding her increasingly overbearing. She makes plans on my behalf and tells me what I should and shouldn’t do. "

"FIL thinks I’m not emotionally mature enough for a baby due to my childhood."

"DF’s grandparents also feel the same as their daughter (the aunt) and will not visit if I am at MIL and FIL house. They want to see the baby every day despite being an hour journey each way, and have even chosen a name that I am expected to use."

"she is very suffocating, ringing me each day and taking washing home with her to help me. Of course I’d never show anything but gratitude but I don’t need her washing my underwear!"

Their making negative comments about you to your fiance is not great, but if you yourself have any problematic behaviors then maybe they are trying to look out for him. But given you are pregnant, that horse has left the barn and it suggests they have poor judgement if they are still trying to persuade him not to be with you.

Why is that that the grandparents will not visit if you are present? I don't know what caused them to do that, but regardless, they do not have the right to see the baby daily (especially if they refuse to see the baby's mother!) and their expectation of your driving an hour each way is so far outside of reasonable that it's not even worth discussing. Demanding they get to choose the name seems to be a common behavior of controlling in-laws and is also objectively wrong on their part.

You having had an abused childhood is not a valid reason for them to overstep your boundaries. Calling you "damaged goods" is dehumanising, pejorative, and unacceptable. It appears from what you say, that the way these labels are being used, is so that, if you respond negatively to their behavior, or you stand up for yourself, they can get what they want by saying you are just kicking off because you are unstable or because of your history of being abused. If that is really how they are treating you, it's a bit problematic. However, I say that with the recognition I don't know the situation on the ground. I do wonder about your own behaviors in the sense that I don't quite understand what would lead your future father-in-law to say you are too immature to have a baby. Do you require a lot of emotional support with basic life activities or self-regulation?

DF’s grandparents also feel the same as their daughter (the aunt) and will not visit if I am at MIL and FIL house. They want to see the baby every day despite being an hour journey each way, and have even chosen a name that I am expected to use

Sorry, what?! The grandparents refuse to visit it you are there but want to see the baby every day once it’s born?! How is that going to work!

Who has chosen a name for your baby? What did they say when you told them you will be choosing your own name?

Appeasing relations an in-laws is always a mistake as once you have given them an inch they will take a mile.

I agree with all the excellent advice so far.

DF’ family ‘took you under their wing’ as a project, at least the best of them did, but it’s definitely not in your best interests and absolutely not in your baby’s best interests. That’s all coming to the surface now, luckily, and you’ve got time to find your agency and exercise autonomy before your DC is here

You sound very sensible. Back in the old days on MN there used to be advice to "smile and nod". It would come in handy here. Them: You should name the baby Geraldine/Egbert. You: smile and nod. Then when you and your DF have registered the baby (and not before!) you announce: His/her name is X. They are maybe concerned about your background but given time hopefully they will come round. If not, it's their loss. I would keep going as you are and have confidence that you will be terrific parents.
Put some space between you and them. Let DF handle his family. Find support outside the family - is there an expectant mums group you could join? If not, we're all here for you! And stop telling them your private business! Smile and nod :)

I agree with everything above.

It's not in your head. They are being nasty, especially the grandparents.

You need to talk to your partner and establish some boundaries with his family. I would not allow anyone who speaks about me this way to see my baby every day.

If you don't stand up to them, it will only get worse once your baby is born.

Here are some typical boundaries that adults get to set for themselves:

1. An adult gets to decide what they do and where they go. They make their own plans. If another adult wants to do something with the first adult, the normal way to make this happen is to ASK the adult. Not to just make plans and order them to do those plans.
2. An adult gets to do her own laundry. Other people do not have the right to walk into your house and take your laundry home with them and then use the fact they've absconded with your laundry as an excuse to call you immature or incompetent at basic life skills.
3. The people who choose the name of a baby are the parents.
4. The people who get to be in the delivery room when a baby is born are the mother and whoever the mother chooses to be there, up to the numerical limit set by the hospital where she is giving birth. Zero people who are not her medical providers get to be in the room who she did not explicitly invite. (Except the baby. The baby also gets to be there).
5. After the baby is born, while the mother and baby are recovering, the schedule of visitors is dictated by the health and wellbeing of the mother and baby. This means that in practice the wishes, judgment, and needs of the baby's mother will take precedence.

I think you’ve leaned on them for some support and instead of being lovely and supportive they’re using it as something to hold over your head. Definitely stop giving them information. The dynamic needs to change - you don’t go to them for any help or support, find it from elsewhere.
and forcibly demonstrate that they don’t hold control over you. You are not seeking their approval.
DF is minimising their toxicness. It must be hard for him to accept and he is used to it, so it’s understandable, but that contributes to you feeling like it’s in your head.

Oh yeah, another boundary that is normal for adults:

6 Only those chosen by the adult get to know that adult's medical history. In-laws do not have a right to know your medical history. If your fiance cannot keep your medical history private, that is a problem.

as far as a name is concerned you choose and you stick to it. My husband and me, just presented our families with a faint accompli, holing out our daughter to them saying, "This is Jennifer, your granddaughter."

Take a step back from them. Soon you'll have your new baby and will have created your own little family with your partner. The in laws will become less important to you. If you can, try and go along to some new Mum and baby groups. They can be in community halls, church halls etc. Even baby rhyme time or story time in the library is good. Keep going, even if it's the only thing you get dressed for that day! Try a few and you'll find your crowd. Over time, I'm sure you'll establish friendships with other new mums and they can be more supportive than family in those early years. Good luck OP.

You are NOT married.

Give this baby YOUR name.