Not affectionate enough

[Herewegoagain22]

My partner and I have very differing love languages. I have grown up in a loving family but we were not touchy feely and I have never really required that to be feel secure in a relationship . I am also an only child and I like a bit of space and time on my own. My partner on the other hand craves a lot of physical touch. I’ve had to adapt to meet his needs which hasn’t been an issue, as I realise we need to come together to find a good balance.

He likes to be cuddling, kissing and touching a lot and has a high sex drive and I like that too but I can often feel a bit stifled by it. Every couple of months, this mismatch of love languages rears it’s head (not by me), but by my partner telling me I’m often not giving enough, or questioning if I still love him and find him attractive as I’m not being as affectionate as he likes.

i have adapted a lot to meet make him feel loved and it is becoming a little unnatural with how conscious I am about things. I’m now at the stage of thinking ‘oh we’ve not had sex for a week, if we don’t do it soon then he’ll bring it up’. This morning he was upset that I didnt show affection before I went to bed or indeed before I got up for work. When I go to bed after long day at work, I like to have a bit of downtime, catch up on socials on my phone, read the news or read my book, he goes to sleep before me but we go to bed together every night.

It is becoming a regular issue, and it isn’t like he is touch starved. I come home from work, greet him with a cuddle and a kiss, ask about his day, we make dinner together and cuddle on the couch etc, we’re playful, we regularly show affection and I’ve upped my physical touch a lot for him, it is a good relationship. I’m just worried that I am perhaps not enough or able to meet his continuing needs as it’s always something I’m not doing or giving him in terms of affection. And this happens almost every couple of months and I feel like unless I’m on his wave length I am never going to be able to meet his needs.

Get him a cat . They’re affectionate

He sounds very needy . Why is it you that has to do all the adjusting ? He maybe needs to lower his neediness .

Sounds like my husband. I’m laid here stroking his head while I’m typing this!!!!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is stifling? He says asking for more affection isn’t unreasonable but it’s becoming a stage now where I’m changing to accommodate him and losing myself walking on eggshells making sure his needs are met?

That would start to annoy me. He sounds too needy .

He sounds incredibly needy ... have you been together long? Really stifling behaviour.

Don't change yourself. How long have you been together? It does tend to taper off a bit. But you shouldn't be thinking it's time to schedule in some affection.

At the end of a busy day, you just need time to yourself and for me personally being overly affectionate can make me feel touched out and smothered. He also needs to understand that you need head space or less stimulus at these times. It's a two way street.

I find I tend to be more affectionate when my needs are being met as well. Is he meeting all of your needs?

Listen you both need to adapt to each other not just you to him..so when he brings it up explain what you said in the OP and say he needs to meet you halfway too. So agree boundaries and go from there. The more time passes and more secure in the relationship he feels it will probably lesson. But you arent responsible for all the change.

Very stifling.
You say you’ve adapted to meet his needs (and it sounds like he still wants more). What has he done to adapt to your needs?

I would find this stifling, too. Also it seems to be all about you adapting to him. What about him meeting you half-way? I confess it instantly makes me feel a bit panicky when I hear about a man telling a woman she is not affectionate enough. It sounds entitled and potentially a bit abusive to me.

I would find his constant need iritating, he needs to meet you half way at least otherwise he will drive you away.

I hesitated to post but OP's situation reminded me of something similar that happened to me with my ex. He was so needy and I tried so very hard but whatever I did was never enough. Things became very difficult over the years.

My DH is similar. He says I don't show him enough affection - He has a high sex drive or I have a very low one. He wants to be kissing and cuddling for an hour every night but I would rather chill out with an hour of TV (but not football!!) so we tend to watch TV in separate rooms. He says I neglect him as he needs physical touch. I love my own space and am very very independent which he makes me feel is wrong. He isn't very social and I am so I go out without him alot which also makes him feel neglected. He likes it if I stroke him and he makes stupid noises that give me the ick. Sometimes I think he needs a woman who satys home all night and strokes him whilst he watches the football.

Most of the time we get by Ok but like you every few months he brings up that he feels neglected.

How much has HE adjusted to meet your needs??

It should be give and take. You shouldn't have to do things you don't want to do just to keep him happy.

I disagree with most, I would want some affection shown before bed and when I wake up - a cuddle is fine - and I don't think sex once a week is a lot at all.

I would want a lot more affection than it sounds like you would and I would not be happy with someone who wasn't bothered with being affectionate - so to me it sounds like you're mismatched.

He sounds very similar to an ex, we had the same conversations over and over. I became really self-conscious about it, monitoring myself and questioning whether I’d been affectionate enough that day. I started to resent how my physical boundaries were being trampled over and ended up not wanting to be affectionate with him at all. I think it’s reasonable to mention it to someone once and express a preference, but to keep bringing it up, expecting you to do all the changing to accommodate somebody else‘s preference is very unfair and bordering on controlling. You’re entitled to your own way of expressing affection. You’re a human, not a cuddly toy. YADNBU.