Friendship with an ex lover

[gotmygroove]

So I was seeing someone for about 6 years on and off it started as FWB and we grew closer. They was an easy person to return to after any other short term flings. They were understanding, kind, loving, just everything you'd want you're partner to be as such. We ended because we wanted different things based around commitment and officialness.

In time I met someone else and had dc with them. Things didn't go smoothly, I was lonely, bored, a mess so about 5 years in I reached out to this ex lover for friendship but reminiscing brought feelings back and we kind of had an emotional affair (by then I was no longer with my dc father) we never met up, just spoke on the phone even though we literally lived 20 mins from each other but it soon fizzled out because I began to try again with my dc father which worked out so I went completely no contact with this ex lover, deleting their number etc.

Now fast forward another 5 years and I randomly get a txt asking if it was me. I knew straight away who it was about didn't respond until the next day. It was the ex lover. They generally wanted someone to talk to, I soon learned this was because they'd had an unexpected family bereavement and learnt this is what started the contact. They just wanted to smile again, be silly and have a sense of normality as such.
Now talking to this ex lover has made me rethink my decisions, no I cannot go back in time, no, being with this ex lover is not an option but I just want to be there for them. I live a lonely life and have literally no friends so talking to them gave me a sense of reality too.

I just wanted some thoughts, opinions. I'm prepared for the constructive criticism or general grilling from the MN community...

Basically... can we be friends after all this time?

Sorry, but no. It sounds like you are with a partner and if you are you are in effect considering an emotional affair.

So it sounds like you are each other's life boat for situations where things don't work out: a relationship ends, one of you feels lonely, someone dies, but (presumably) when things go well for either one you drift apart. Am I getting a right impression?

If so, this is still very much a "friends with benefits" scenario where you only turn to each other when one of you needs something - and as long as you're both ok with it and nobody gets hurt that's ok. The only thing to remember, and it sounds like you know it, is that this won't turn into a full relationship...nor you're really friends in a full meaning of this word.

Not if you have a partner no. Definitely not.

I think you need to look at why you have no friends, why you feel so lonely and if the relationship with the dc's father is right for you.

You sound unhappy so I think you should consider leaving the relationship you are in. As for the friendship, well you said it split before because you wanted different things - who wanted more? If it was you then I would be very wary, you might still just be a self esteem boost/booty call to this friend who just wants a bit of that attention back.

If you want to stay in the marriage then i think you need to stay away from the friend and find some new proper friends that you don't have a messy history with.

If you're in a relationship no. If you're alone then yes.

You're never just going to be friends with this person. Concentrate on your family.

If you are incapable of being friends with this man without sleeping with him then the answer is no. If you can maintain a platonic relationship then the answer could be yes.

Thanks for replies.
I have no intention of sleeping with this person at all. We have spoken more over the phone just normal catching up and remembering things from the past but not specific to when we was together. We've agreed we don't need to go down the route.
However, he was probably my first love, he knows that and he's told me how he feels but we know we will never be and are trying to remain friends but at a distance if that makes sense... as in a chat here and there not too much

I’m close friends with someone I slept with many (many) years ago but your situation sounds a lot more like he’s the one that got away and is far deeper than that. I’m not sure you seem to be able to manage the boundary between friends and more than friends from what you’ve said.

Have you told your partner all the details of the contact and how you feel? If no, then you are having an emotional affair IMO.

Be honest, this is not a 'friend' this is an ex-lover and you are reigniting the flame.

@brunettemic maybe he is the one that got away!
@wildfirewonder I haven't said anything to by dp, so you're probably right both of you, I'll just leave it now for no contact