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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry and Aggressive Husband

15 replies

OnMyOwnSoSad · 02/05/2023 07:06

The latest in a number of posts where I have been struggling with my husband's mental health. His mood changes on a whim... fine one minute and angry the next. When I ask him what's wrong he says he doesn't know or "nothing". The passive aggression is horrible as in his mind I have clearly done something wrong so it's aimed at me. A few weeks ago he got angry because I made myself a packed lunch to take to work. Clearly a massive matrimonial mis-step on my part.

I often feel as though I am being punished for something I didn't know I have done. When I finally find out what it is it is so inconsequential that I don't know how I could possibly have guessed it would be such an issue.

He's completely isolated and sees only the bad in every situation even when there is nothing bad there. He has no friends anymore (they are all only after what they can get), only talks to his Mum (who he finds irritating). He WFH full time and doesn't go out to speak of.

It's making me miserable and it is impossible to live with. Has anyone been in the same situation and managed to get DH to see a dr and things got better? At the moment there is only divorce which seems like such a waste for what was a good marriage.

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 02/05/2023 07:27

It sounds as if he's got stressed or depressed and is now in defence mode. Has anything happened since you were able to call it a good marriage?

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 02/05/2023 07:41

cheapskatemum · 02/05/2023 07:27

It sounds as if he's got stressed or depressed and is now in defence mode. Has anything happened since you were able to call it a good marriage?

Nothing in particular... it seems to have been a slow decline which accelerated over lockdown.

His career has stalled and mine (due to some lucky breaks) has taken a few jumps and I suspect he's jealous which is making things worse, but that's a recent thing over the last few weeks.

It's breaking my heart to see him this way but he's treating me very badly. Im taking the brunt of it all.

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikespuppies · 02/05/2023 07:43

It sounds awful but you can't fix him, he has to want to get better/change and it doesn't sound like he wants to do that.

You need to make plans to separate.

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 02/05/2023 07:48

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 02/05/2023 07:43

It sounds awful but you can't fix him, he has to want to get better/change and it doesn't sound like he wants to do that.

You need to make plans to separate.

Plans are already made. Fortunately we don't have DC so things are more straightforward. I was hoping that one last attempt might get us back on the right footing... I'm probably kidding myself.

OP posts:
Redburnett · 02/05/2023 07:49

It might be useful to keep a diary, to remind yourself of how unbearable the situation has become and for how long, when you finally reach the point of separating. Before that you can gently confront him with the effect of his behaviour on you - but if that does not motivate him to change then your options are limited.

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 02/05/2023 08:22

Redburnett · 02/05/2023 07:49

It might be useful to keep a diary, to remind yourself of how unbearable the situation has become and for how long, when you finally reach the point of separating. Before that you can gently confront him with the effect of his behaviour on you - but if that does not motivate him to change then your options are limited.

I have been keeping notes, more to get it out of my mind than anything else. I don't think he even recognises that there is an issue with his behaviour. In his mind it is me. I'm so sad.

OP posts:
Hotfootgoose · 02/05/2023 08:25

I think you may need to point out that his issues are nonsense, what on earth is wrong with a packed lunch? He can’t use his mental health to destroy your life, he has to be shown this is not ok and you are on the brink of leaving him.

Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 02/05/2023 08:31

Hotfootgoose · 02/05/2023 08:25

I think you may need to point out that his issues are nonsense, what on earth is wrong with a packed lunch? He can’t use his mental health to destroy your life, he has to be shown this is not ok and you are on the brink of leaving him.

Wise words... I need to muster some courage don't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
OnMyOwnSoSad · 02/05/2023 13:29

I've just spent my lunch hour sobbing my eyes out. I look a mess... I really don't want to go home...

OP posts:
FeelingLowLowLow · 03/06/2023 22:50

I really feel for you OP. Similar situation here too. It's so hard to just keep going.

FightingOnwards · 04/06/2023 03:40

FeelingLowLowLow · 03/06/2023 22:50

I really feel for you OP. Similar situation here too. It's so hard to just keep going.

I really feel for you. It's been a month since I posted this thread and it has become worse. He's in such a terrible place and simply won't help himself. What am a long way down the road of preparing to leave. I hope things get better for you.

suburbophobe · 04/06/2023 03:52

I've just spent my lunch hour sobbing my eyes out. I look a mess... I really don't want to go home...

Oh, sweetheart, I feel for you. If I was there I would give you a hug.

Life is so much better without these men dragging us down.

Weenurse · 04/06/2023 04:55

@FightingOnwards glad to hear you are making plans to leave.
This is no way to live and you can’t change him, only your own circumstances.
Hood luck

goody2shooz · 18/06/2023 17:14

@OnMyOwnSoSad @FightingOnwards hope things have improved for you, such a sad post 💐

Watchkeys · 18/06/2023 17:50

I don't think he even recognises that there is an issue with his behaviour

Have you told him? I mean, when things are calm and he's not acting up? Have you sat down with him and told him you need to have a serious conversation with him, and that it's threatening your relationship?

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