Not respected by MIL?

[Loumat]

Hi all, I am a new mum to a 7mo boy and was hoping to get some other opinions on a situation that happened recently.

Some background info that might be useful to know is that I struggled with PND during the first 3 months of being a new mum and went through a tough period of my boy not napping, some feeding difficulties, and overall having a not very happy baby. However through some trial and error we got there in the end and now we have found our nice little schedule and I have a happy baby boy and I love being a mum! Despite this I have a general belief of not really being respected as a new mum (generated from other people, medical professionals etc) which I’m sure other mums have felt too! But my MIL has tapped into this on more than one occasion, most recently this week.

She sometimes takes him for a few hours on the odd Saturday and we agreed for her to take him at 10:30am this weekend. She didn’t show until 11am (no message to say she was going to be late) and when she did show we asked what happened and she said ‘well I wanted a lie in, was doing bit around the house, and then thought I should set off’ no apology and she wouldn’t make eye contact with me. I think she just wanted to get him at 11 so made sure that’s what she was going to do. I gave her some instructions about when his next nap was due, when to offer solids as we are weaning, when he should have his bottle. She didn’t really listen to a word I said to be honest, so I texted her the info too. Anyway when she was out she text me a picture of my baby in a high chair in Costa when he was due a nap, and she was offering solids when he won’t eat them because he is tired (90% of the food was returned to me). The next thing I know is that he is asleep almost an hour later than we said after having meltdown, clearly because he is overtired. He has a short nap which is fine but then she doesn’t feed him a bottle until over an hour after we say he would need one and when she does says we ‘should have seen him he was scrambling and grabbing for the bottle’ because he was so hungry.

I just feel like she doesn’t want to listen to what I say about my baby’s needs and it makes me feel like she doesn’t respect me as a mum. There has been other incidents in the past when she hasn’t listened to me e.g about how to get him to nap and he therefore hasn’t napped at all.

Am I being crazy? I really appreciate her help and she is the only help we have. I know grandparents can’t follow a schedule in the same way I do so expect my baby to be a bit overtired when he comes back etc but I don’t like know she doesn’t listen to me or him and he ends up really upset.

what are your thoughts?

I wouldn’t leave him with her again. She is not meeting his needs, no baby should be “scrabbling” for his bottle because she forgot to feed him . That is awful

Same, I wouldn’t leave him with her until he’s older.

Re late arrival time, I think that’s acceptable, she’s doing you a favour by looking after and collecting baby.

I’d only be irritated if I had concrete plans but even then I would have messaged in the morning to check.

I don't think she needs leaving instructions on how to look after a baby, when she had children before you.

I’d say that same. He’s too young to be left with her as she isn’t meeting his needs.

Many babies have a routine and she clearly does need them given she failed to follow them!

OP my MIL is like this completely disregards all information given does it her way and throws out all routine. It's why she isn't trusted to look after my children even for a afternoon on her own when we do see her as the fall out of then getting them back onto a even keel isn't worth it. It's a complete disregard and lack of respect and not meeting your babies basic needs.

Time off is important, so just depends what your other options are. None of the things you said are actually dangerous. They are just disrupting to your routine. For myself, I let my in laws do whatever. I couldn't stop them anyway. Now my kids are older, they all have a really close bond.

That's the risk you take when allowing others (not just MIL) to mind your children/babies.
Routines may be messed up, feeds messed up, naps... your few hours free rime can come at a cost.

Thanks everyone, it’s good to get different takes on it!

I find this really tough as I don’t want to deprive her of having her grandson and time off is important but sometimes it’s not worth it. I’m not sure how to get her to listen to me without it causing a big argument. My partner has even been onto her about it.

I did wonder if I’m just a bit too controlling but when I think about it I don’t mind the schedule being off as I expect that it’s, more the crying because he’s been kept awake too long and not being fed when hes hungry that’s just not ok. It’s like she’s trying to meet her needs when she’s out before his.

I do wonder if she just doesn’t really like me. She hasn’t come to see my son at our house since he was a tiny baby (other than to pick him up) and expects us to bring him to her house so she can see him. I don’t mind doing that but it would be nice for her to come to ours once in a while as we are only 5 mins away and every now and then it’s easier for people to come to you when you have a baby rather than drag them out

My partner has even been onto her about it.

It is his mother. I would get him to do all the schedule reminding. All the time you do it you risk it being a power play between the two of you. Maybe him sending a text at bottle time would help.

sometimes you need to cause a big argument - bullet point to her where she messed up and explain both the immediate consequences of her actions (meltdown, baby being hungry) and the possible long term ones (that she wont be able to spend time with him if she does not feed him)

You don’t need to deprive her of seeing DGS, either you or DH or both can visit with DC.

I try not to be controlling and let things slide but the food issue would be a redline for me as DC is being made uncomfortable/upset due to schedule (and common sense) not being followed.

No, she doesn’t need instructions on how to care for HER children, but this baby isn’t her child and babies are people, with individual needs. I have two children, and DN whom know well, and adore, but I visit them, I don’t live with them, so if I’m caring for them for a longer period (overnight or a whole day), of course I take my sister’s instructions into account. Anything else is disrespectful to the parents and extremely unfair on the baby.

The greatest gift my grandmother gave me was respecting my mother’s wishes in relation to looking after us when we were little. My mother absolutely role modelled that with my children (often through gritted teeth!). Help that comes with that kind of cost isn’t help OP. I’d not let her look after him again.

You said
My partner has even been onto her about it
as though that's some kind of last resort.

But it's his mum, and his child too. So he should have been the first to say something to her. And now she's ignored what you said then he should speak to her again. Stressing to her that you are of course grateful for any help she gives, and you realise she isn't obliged to help, and her time is precious. But if she does help she really needs to broadly follow the routine, and especially shouldn't let your baby go hungry.

When other people are kind enough to look after your child, they won't do it exactly the same as you. And that's OK. So long as your baby is safe and loved and cared for. But if someone repeatedly does things that upset your baby unecessarily, or disrupt their routine to the extent that it makes it worse for you than if you'd had them yourself, then it would be best not to ask them to babysit again.

Trust your gut. I think you’re right to weigh up the benefit it brings to have her involved vs the cost to you. Some boundary setting is needed to make things work for you and your baby, and maybe you decide you can’t trust her with your son until he’s older and can ask for what he needs. Can you imagine if a nursery worker didn’t listen to you when you described your son’s needs and routines? A family member should care much more.

When she was late I would have said - low key, assertively - “oh, I was worried something had happened to you. Lucky I didn’t have anything planned. If you could let me know if you’re leaving late next time that would be lovely.” It lets her know you’ve noticed it, that her behaviour has an affect on you and that you expect her to be cognisant of that and care for you. If you don’t call people out on that kind of stuff, you’re giving them permission to walk all over you. That’s fine with people who care about how they treat others, but generally with people who don’t give a shit they’ll gradually take more and more liberties with you.

Personally I would ignore the advice for all communication to be done by your DH as it’s his mother. It’s crap advice. Your relationship with her is between her and you, and unless you speak your mind and ask her for what you need she’ll never respect you as an adult. Getting DH to communicate for you only sends the message that you’re not capable of standing up for yourself.

If u rnt happy with her care don’t use her.

@EllandRd my youngest is now 17 but when I looked after my nephew I followed my sister's instructions because it is her baby, not mine. She is the one who is with him every day. I can't remember all the stuff I did with my own children especially feeding and sleeping schedules so I am completely guided by her. I want the best outcome for the day for both my nephew and me.

I think OP that your Dh should tell his Mum no to looking after his child if his Mum cannot follow your instruction as you are the ones who have to deal with all the fallout from him being overtired etc. I am sure she wouldn't have liked it if her MIL had done this to her. Maybe he could say that. Tell her you want her to have a relationship with her grandchild but not when she explicitly undermines you as parents. And yes sometimes you have to kick up a fuss, been there, done that, got the t shirt.

I'd let the lateness and nap slip, however I would be really hurt and upset to think of my baby being left hungry for an hour to the point of scrambling for their bottle. Why wasn't she concerned that your baby, the baby who was in her care, was clearly uncomfortably hungry? That's not on. If you don't think that either yourself or husband could have a frank conversation about that and trust that she would feed him on time, I'd hold off using her for childcare until your little one is a bit older and less reliant on bottle feeds throughout the day.

I don't think it's anything to do with you op, or that she either likes or dislikes you, I think it's probably because she wants to look after the baby the way she sees fit, and wants baby to fit in with her plans. Which is fine if it's her baby, but not helpful to you or baby in this situation.

I know you want to encourage a relationship between gp and dc, but you see so many times on mn that the relationship is detrimental to the parents and the baby, and often the gp aren't that fussed anyway. I'd pull back, if she wants a relationship with baby, then she can come and see you all. No need to force a relationship

From what I remember babies cry when they are hungry, so unless he'd been howling for an hour, he probably wasn't as hungry as all that, or not for very long.

Either you give your MiL the chance to learn your ds or you look after him yourself. Nothing wrong with the latter at this age, you might feel more relaxed with her altering things when he's older.

In twenty plus years time just about everyone on this thread will look at their daughter/dil and smile and nod, then take the baby and their mother reflexes will kick in and they’ll assume their way is better. My youngest is 8, and already I’ve found myself saying/doing things with nieces and nephews as if I knew it all. I never thought I’d get here! Sorry op, it’s not a respect thing, it’s literally just that she’s assuming her way is as good as yours!!

I would stop the baby sitting. Your mil has decided not to listen to instructions, which is fine, but this isn’t fair to your baby as it’s messing up their routine too much and making them hungry.

My granny was a wonderful granny because she listened to my mother’s instructions and rules. It wasn’t confusing as a child, because no snacks at home before dinner was the same at granny’s or mummy’s. My mother always said what wonderful support she was in comparison to other friends mothers/mils, because she didn’t undermine her and she kept my nap times which meant she would return to a happy and not fussy baby.

I don’t really see the point of having baby sitters that send your child back in a nightmare state. My mil is an overbearing nightmare who takes instructions as an affront, so she will never look after my child, I’d rather pay.

Stop making such an effort. Drop the babysitting. Drop half the visits, visit half the time to her (but let dh facilitate this and don’t do both reminding him etc and creating wife work for yourself) and if she wants more she can visit you.

Read Toxic in Laws by Susan Forward. I found it helpful in shifting my response to people’s behaviour who won’t change. It’s helpful in all areas of life.

His mother is not suitable for childcare.

Would you tolerate this behaviour from a friend?. Likely not and your boundaries re his mother have been way too accommodating.

Stop making such an effort with regards to his mother, she is not a nice person to be around and is using your child also to undermine you.

My MIL does her own thing. But she's not going to change so my choice is do I leave them with her or not. I've come to accept that she will not follow my instruction or advice. She'll listen in earnest and completely do her own thing. This is the reality of it. So I accept she'll do her own thing and that's the cost of her help.

Grandma here.

I would WANT instruction down to the last detail so
A my grandchild was happy
B his mum was too

I don't hold with the 'she's had her own children so she knows what to do'. She's not had your child, and she has to accept her way may not be yours.

Except she does, because she forgot to feed him...