At a loss where to go..24 yes together and 2 kids

[Lucie390]

I absolutely adore my husband, been deeply in love since I met him but things are really awful at home and we can not agree on a way forward.

Have 2 teens, one who’s got additional needs and adhd is out of control. Tried meds and councilling, nothing helped, we have good days and bad days and I try to manage it as best I can and help her. He is v black and white and sees it as bad behaviour. Her behaviour has got so bad and controlling and he says I enable her. Tonight I completely lost my rag with her after being spoken to terribly all afternoon. I was dealing with it (telling her it’s unacceptable, phone etc will be removed if she doesn’t stop) but he came in and said I’ve heard how you speak to your mum it’s disgusting, she turns around and gives a load of backchat so he snatches the phone and throws it across her bedroom and it smashes. I am then shouting at him to get out, that he’s making things worse, he’s shouting at me saying this is all my doing I’m undermining him. We then get into a massive argument down stairs out of earshot of the kids and he says I enable this bad behaviour.

This has been brewing for months. Her behaviour is always the root cause. He has no patience and will battle over everything where as I pick my battles, I’m with her more so I have to for my sanity.

I have started to wonder what life would look like without him. We have a nice life together and if the kids aren’t around spend a lot of enjoyable time together but family life with him and the kids isn’t fun. They are both teens and looking at college and uni so won’t be home that much longer. I feel a life will be easier when them they’ve left but equally love them dearly and feel this is ruining their teenage years.

There’s also small things he does that annoy me, if he doesn’t want to talk about a topic like a holiday or my daughter learning to drive, he’ll be moody and snap at me because he doesn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to decorate and it all is to be his way. I just wonder what life would be like outside of this marriage. I do love him though, just not his behaviour.

Sorry additional needs but clearly she knows what she's doing playing mum and dad off each other and your hubby has snapped.It does sound like your enabling her to me rather than being a strong united front. He has your back and I wouldn't say you have his because he clearly is fed up of how your being treat but then your treating him badly also. Not sure why you have to pick battles with your teen make rules strict ones and consequences and stick to it. Tbh sounds like you need to be stricter rather than letting these scenarios go on and on. You shouldn't be against your hubby you should be a united front. So sit down and talk a way forward and deal with it better

Would family therapy be an option? Sounds really tough for everyone!

I do have his back usually but I can’t condone screaming and throwing things. Also I was dealing with it so it’s not helpful to step and escalate the situation.

I often remove things like her phone, not going out etc and she’ll kick off in response to this, which he’ll then step in and start yelling at her to stop yelling ! I try and tell him to ignore her it’s like a toddler having a paddy and don’t feed into it, that she’s responding to me taking her things away but he always steps in and escalates things.

He won’t do family councilling unfortunately nor would my teen. We see an adhd councillor who although doesn’t really go into family stuff my teen said she feels that’s all we ever talk about. We rarely talk about it, but I can see her poont of view as its constant reminders to take meds, talk about behaviour.

Obviously throwing things and screaming is ridiculous and he should apologise. But I do disagree that your teen's behaviour is like that of a toddler having a paddy. A two year old losing control is very different to a teen who knows perfectly well that abusing your mum is wrong. And that's what DH sees here.
He sounds at the end of his tether. Meanwhile you're caught between two angry people and are bearing the brunt of it from both DH and DD.
If he won't consider family counselling would he consider going to couples therapy? I think he needs help around how this behaviour is affecting him and how to deal with it. I also think you'd both benefit so much from seeing whether a better understanding could help you come together as a team.
I can understand his bewilderment in the face of what he sees as your passivity. And can also see how upsetting it is for you to deal with him being controlling.
You both need to feel supported here especially as your DD is using the divide and conquer technique even if it's unconscious and not deliberate.
You said you adore DH so I think it would be a huge shame if you lose each other because of this.

I really empathise. I have an 11 year old with additional needs and I have to parent him differently as a result. My ex used to do the same - jump in, escalate, never let me deal with things on my own, he would always always make things worse. We were fortunate to be sent on two parenting courses aimed at my son’s additional needs, as well as a family therapy group for parents. All of this massively helped me understand how best to parent him (picking battles was one of the biggest lessons and encouraged in the groups, as was letting the “tantrums” subside and everything cool down completely before discussing/imposing any consequences.

Sadly although my ex attended all the groups and said all the right things in the groups - as soon as he was home it was all out of the window. He didn’t even try to change.

Yours may be different however - can you look for a parenting group for teens with adhd or similar?

Thank you

Yes I will look at something similar, I think he would be up for doing something like that, we have chatted this morning and agreed things have to change, myself Inc. I do see how he thinks I’m enabling the behaviour however I am really just trying to calm things rather than ‘enable’.

I feel so bad that he’s so frustrated it’s become this erratic outburst, but I’m also really angry as he’s like ‘I snapped, it was going to Happen’ no apology and my daughter is now copying what I said saying your angry and out of control.

I will definitely look into a parenting course specific to adhd. Thank you for all your kind comments.

I really feel for you 💐

You weren’t enabling, you were trying to calm down the situation.

It was your DH who lacked control over the situation (very hard for him understandably).

I’m glad you are looking for at ADHD parenting courses.

With respect, you really need to get your DH to go, as he obviously hasn’t got much of an idea on what triggers your DD and how to handle the situation, without it becoming explosive.

I’m not sure if this is for your family or whether your daughter is aggressive at times (like my son) but the Non Violence Resistance courses are fantastic, have a look at those