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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I going crazy?? Or is my husband a c*ck?

137 replies

CalicoPony · 01/05/2023 22:10

Really struggling to validate my position and could do with some help figuring it out.

we are due to move to France in 3 months (husband is french, we lived there together for 6 years, we have 2 kids born in France)

Husband is very avoidant when it comes to anything important - fear of failure makes him sort of freeze up and he buries his head in the sand. We both know this and we (mostly me) try and mitigate it by planning ahead and breaking big tasks into smaller ones to make them less terrifying.

anyway, the move has him very very stressed and he is refusing to talk about it, do any planning, organise his work etc.

tonight I tried to talk to him about it, said we have 3 months left so we should start thinking about finding a place to live (we will rent while we look for a place to buy), think about packing, etc.

he is scrolling on his
phone and generally irritated that I’ve brought it up. So I ask when would be a good time to talk about it. He says he doesn’t know. Then I say how should I respond when you say that (I genuinely don’t know) - he says he doesn’t know. I ask when would be a good time to talk about it. He gets annoyed, bangs his hand on the table, says ‘Fine! What do you want to say?!’ I’m taken aback and pause. He carries on ‘Go on then!!!’

I say I’m not wanting to just announce something, just that we should have a conversation and do some planning, or it will be more stressful because everything will be last minute. He says it’s already too late, it will be a shitshow. Gets up, walks out of the room. I give him a couple of minutes then go in and calmly (I was very sure to be calm) tell
him that I think he’s being unreasonable and that his behaviour is upsetting. He laughs facetiously and mutters something like ‘what a surprise’ and leaves the house.

this isn’t an isolated incident, it happens pretty much any time I talk to him about important stuff. In fact pretty much every time I talk to him about anything.

i know he is stressed and I want to support him. I want us to be a team and work together through the challenges. But he always seems to want to set himself against me - like it’s easier for him to blame all his difficulties on me than to actually face up to life.

im trying not to black and white about it but genuinely feel that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t enjoy being part of our family, and just wants to be left alone with his phone.

for context, we both work full time and with two young kids, life can be pretty full on. But we’re not on the breadline and have a lot to be grateful for.

i have lost all sense of perspective on whether I’m being unreasonable or not. He seems convinced that I’m a nagging bitch and that he has done nothing wrong. But his entitlement and disengagement and ingratitude are really getting to me. Am I going crazy???

OP posts:
ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 02/05/2023 00:53

Has he ever shown any signs of Autism (I know, yawn).

Oh for fucks's sake.

FictionalCharacter · 02/05/2023 01:43

FangsForTheMemory · 01/05/2023 22:23

Is he deliberately creating a situation where you have to take responsibility for everything?

This is the most likely explanation.
But if he’s refusing to do anything (except be an arse) and has decided in advance it’s going to be a shitshow, surely you have to call off the move. And possibly the marriage as well.

TheseThree · 02/05/2023 03:53

Just adding to the consensus that you should seriously think twice about going. It seems like setting yourself up for a disaster.

I think you should just drop it on him… I married you to be my partner. Partners share responsibility and decision making. If you refuse to function as my partner, then I refuse to continue this marriage.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 02/05/2023 04:09

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/05/2023 23:21

I wouldn't move to another country with a man like that, particularly one that I was financially supporting. If you end up divorcing, then he can prevent you bringing the children back here if that's what you want to do. You could end up living in France, separated from your children for half of the week and funding him. I wouldn't put myself in such a precarious position.

Yes, this. OP, find out how the Hague Convention could be used against you now that you have children. www.hague-mothers.org.uk

YukoandHiro · 02/05/2023 04:16

Who wants to move, you or him?

If him but you're generally on board, and there's no particular rush (except school holidays), I would just do nothing now.

Let him take the lead and also accept that you're probably not moving for another year min.

Myauntiesmustache · 02/05/2023 05:05

TheseThree · 02/05/2023 03:53

Just adding to the consensus that you should seriously think twice about going. It seems like setting yourself up for a disaster.

I think you should just drop it on him… I married you to be my partner. Partners share responsibility and decision making. If you refuse to function as my partner, then I refuse to continue this marriage.

This ^ about sums it up.

I would get your ducks in a row OP and take legal advice as to the best way to lose this deadweight.

It's not often I say LTB, but this is one of them.

givememoremoremore · 02/05/2023 05:29

How about the Channel Islands?
Still warm but (mostly) protected by UK laws? (Or at least, their own laws whereby they mirror the UK!)😂

Shoxfordian · 02/05/2023 05:31

He’s not really contributing to your lives together; tell him you want a co-pilot not a passenger and he needs to step up if he wants to stay married

MrsRickAstley · 02/05/2023 05:34

He doesn't want to go.

bouncydog · 02/05/2023 05:55

@givememoremoremore you can’t just move to the Channel Islands - they have their own laws on residency and there is currently a housing crisis. Unless OP has significant resource to purchase property they will be worse off than UK!

@CalicoPony definately do not move to France unless you are both 100% onboard as you will likely end up with even more issues than you have now. You need to sort your relationship first.

theGooHasGone · 02/05/2023 05:55

It doesn't sound like he wants to move at all. Lot of assumptions here, but he's presumably a native speaker with a higher level of fluency than you so he suspects he'll have to be in charge of all the paperwork and legal documents required to move.

At any rate, I'd be thinking twice about moving with him at all - particularly to a country where you'd likely have to depend on him a bit more for a while. He sounds like a moody child.

MayThe4th · 02/05/2023 06:02

Coming at this from a different perspective.

On the face of it he sounds obstructive. But from what you’ve said it sounds a bit like you decide what should happen in the marriage and that everyone should be on board with what you want. So you have decided you will be moving to France, and your DH and DC are just expected to go along with it because it’s what you want.

And when your DH shows reluctance to do what you want you just say it’s this crippling fear etc etc.

Maybe he just doesn’t want to move. Maybe he doesn’t want to tell you because he feels criticised for the fact he’s not one for making big changes in his life.

His way of going about it doesn’t seem ok on the surface, but if you’re constantly telling him you need to sit down and make plans for the changes which you have decided will happen, and these aren’t minor changes, this is life altering stuff, then he likely feels got at and criticised.

MN loves to tell women that their men are arseholes, but I’ve been there from the other side. My eXH used to decide what we did and when, and it was always for his benefit. He decided we would move away from my family and support network because it was what he needed, and to be fair it was, because he needed a lesser commute, but my own needs weren’t ever part of that consideration.

I went along with it because well, you do what you have to as a family, but we split up ten months later because for him nothing changed, he still had his job and his colleagues and his normal life, the only thing which changed for him was his address, but I lost my friends, my family, my support network, I didn’t know anyone, and my DC were at an age where you don’t really get to know school parents even any more. I had put off a move once before, but it always came back round and in the end I didn’t have a choice.

GuevarasBeret · 02/05/2023 06:05

CalicoPony · 01/05/2023 22:10

Really struggling to validate my position and could do with some help figuring it out.

we are due to move to France in 3 months (husband is french, we lived there together for 6 years, we have 2 kids born in France)

Husband is very avoidant when it comes to anything important - fear of failure makes him sort of freeze up and he buries his head in the sand. We both know this and we (mostly me) try and mitigate it by planning ahead and breaking big tasks into smaller ones to make them less terrifying.

anyway, the move has him very very stressed and he is refusing to talk about it, do any planning, organise his work etc.

tonight I tried to talk to him about it, said we have 3 months left so we should start thinking about finding a place to live (we will rent while we look for a place to buy), think about packing, etc.

he is scrolling on his
phone and generally irritated that I’ve brought it up. So I ask when would be a good time to talk about it. He says he doesn’t know. Then I say how should I respond when you say that (I genuinely don’t know) - he says he doesn’t know. I ask when would be a good time to talk about it. He gets annoyed, bangs his hand on the table, says ‘Fine! What do you want to say?!’ I’m taken aback and pause. He carries on ‘Go on then!!!’

I say I’m not wanting to just announce something, just that we should have a conversation and do some planning, or it will be more stressful because everything will be last minute. He says it’s already too late, it will be a shitshow. Gets up, walks out of the room. I give him a couple of minutes then go in and calmly (I was very sure to be calm) tell
him that I think he’s being unreasonable and that his behaviour is upsetting. He laughs facetiously and mutters something like ‘what a surprise’ and leaves the house.

this isn’t an isolated incident, it happens pretty much any time I talk to him about important stuff. In fact pretty much every time I talk to him about anything.

i know he is stressed and I want to support him. I want us to be a team and work together through the challenges. But he always seems to want to set himself against me - like it’s easier for him to blame all his difficulties on me than to actually face up to life.

im trying not to black and white about it but genuinely feel that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t enjoy being part of our family, and just wants to be left alone with his phone.

for context, we both work full time and with two young kids, life can be pretty full on. But we’re not on the breadline and have a lot to be grateful for.

i have lost all sense of perspective on whether I’m being unreasonable or not. He seems convinced that I’m a nagging bitch and that he has done nothing wrong. But his entitlement and disengagement and ingratitude are really getting to me. Am I going crazy???

You are in a position because what he wants to say is.
“I want you to make and execute all the decisions, my input to the move should be that of a child. At the same time I want to retain my right of veto and right to moan about anything you do.”

My advice: think of him as a person who cannot do this think of him as someone physically/mentally/intellectually lacking the capacity to do the move. You will have to lead and direct it. As you take control he may improve to the point he can be allocated tasks.

However, I would be very nonchalant about how it makes you lose so much respect for him. Can’t do it, can’t talk about it, trying to sabotage it, so he can blame you if it goes wrong: but still wanting the benefit. I would be so so angry.

Why is he acting as if he wants to stay, if he wants to move?

Dedodee · 02/05/2023 06:06

Don’t move to France. You’re not a team and it won’t work unless you are.
Also if things became intolerable in your french home and you left the house to live elsewhere this is considered abandonment and will go against you.
France is still a patriarchal society in many ways.

Kokeshi123 · 02/05/2023 06:08

I don't think it's a good idea to downsize to a shorter-working-hours land-and-chickens-based lifestyle with a difficult partner who doesn't seem to want to be there. You are going to be thrown into each others' company a LOT; if he doesn't want to get on and do things, you are going to be stuck with doing the work yourself, especially things like paperwork (in another language).

augustusglupe · 02/05/2023 06:11

Please don't put yourself in such a vulnerable situation by going to France; especially just for house prices and a few chickens.
Like others have said, you may very well find yourself stuck there.
All these labels..he could also just be a massive abusive twat!!

Hairbrushhandle · 02/05/2023 06:14

So you're moving because YOU want to. It sounds like you're bulldozing him into it and he doesn't want to go. Has he named one reason he wants to move?

He's responded like a dick but I don't think you're going to get anywhere with this. Best case scenario he steps up and helps organise but then hates his life over there as it wasn't his choice.

Wallywobbles · 02/05/2023 06:33

Just to give the other side of divorce in France mine took 5 weeks. We were divorced by mutual consent and shared a lawyer. All the assets were mine and I left with my assets. It was a short marriage in my case. Total cost 1400€.

All marriages in France have a contract. Separation des biens is the most common for couples with some assets and you lave what you came with. The assets of the marriage would be split.

Communauté des biens is the the other option and would be more similar to UK.

Jamaisjedors is getting divorced and it's taken a very long time partly because her ex has been in a psychiatric unit. Partly because he is a monumental dick.

Wallywobbles · 02/05/2023 06:36

I do have one question though. Do you have French nationality? Because another poster is right. You won't be able to move here permanently with out nationality or residence rights.

And if you do move here, with France as your permanent residence you won't be able to move the kids back to the Uk without his permission.

YoBeaches · 02/05/2023 06:39

So far you've described alll the reasons for you to move back to France as opposed to shared ideas. You've also spoken about your financial stability but not his or yours as a couple.

It does seem like you a driving that change and perhaps he doesn't want to go.

He's still being a twat about it, but, this is clearly not a shared dream.

Think long term here.

HaroldTheStallion · 02/05/2023 06:41

Moving to France when you're relationship is so strained is am absolutely terrible idea. I used to live in France myself and the number of seemingly strong marriages I saw that broke up over the stress of moving and settling in was unreal. If you feel the need to move why not try a cheaper part of the UK instead where at least you won't be trapped due to divorce and child custody laws?

Poppyblush · 02/05/2023 06:45

Picture thus. You’ve moved to France and decide you want a divorce. What then? What are your options? What are you left with? Feels like you could be stuck. Is this really the right move?

BreatheAndFocus · 02/05/2023 06:49

He doesn’t want to go. Whether this is because he genuinely doesn’t want to move or he doesn’t want the hassle of moving, isn’t clear. I suspect the former. Perhaps because of his passivity you’ve naturally had to lead in decisions? That makes it hard because then you’re never sure how much he wants what you want.

Or maybe he does want it but can’t cope with the stress of the practicalities?

Either way, forget the move. Carry on where you are, don’t mention it again and see how he reacts.

Time4achangeagain · 02/05/2023 06:55

How was failure dealt with in his family growing up? Was it catastrophised? Whatever the answer, he does need to address it before you make plans to move. Just tell him you’ll talk when he comes to you and tells you he’s ready. Don’t get yourself and your children trapped in France til this is resolved

SaySomethingMan · 02/05/2023 06:58

Maybe he doesn’t want to go.
Maybe he thinks you’re controlling and he’s tired of it. The snap back, as wrong as it sounds, indicates this somewhat. Perhaps instead of doing everything, he needs tasks he’s in charge of?
I hate pressure and hate talking in-depth about bug things until i’m ready. It makes me feel more pressured but i do the bulk of organising in this house. For very important things, I work my way through things in my head after feeling initial panicking, I get it done. In my own time, when i am ready.I always get it done on time, and very well.

In terms of looking for a place, I wouldn’t make it a huge discussion. I would mention it. Say you are and he needs to do the same. Show him alternatives.