Living with a winge!!

Storm49 · 2023-05-01T19:58:01+00:00

Been with boyfriend for 9 years. He was never like this before we moved in together but he's such a moaner. I work he doesn't so I'm only home evening times. He will moan about absolutely everything, when bins need to be emptied, washing up, general household things. Even at kids for making noise or play fighting. The list goes on. On my days off I clean whole house but he won't do anything while I'm at work it builds up til I'm back when he starts moaning then it'll get done. Absolutely fucking sick of it. I'm about ready to check out, it's pure soul sucking and mentally draining. Worst thing is I've told him about chilling out a bit and not letting the chores build up but it carries on. Feeling worn out

gamerchick · 01/05/2023 21:02

So he's home all day and doesn't do any housework?

Original poster

Storm49 · 01/05/2023 21:06

Yeah 80% of the time he doesn't sometimes he will do washing and drying or dishes that's all. I've already told him about doing it often then it's not such a big task

OP posts:

Teapleasebobb · 01/05/2023 21:12

Why doesn't he work ok? He should be keeping in top of chores if he isn't working. It's not on that you have to do them all!

IDontWantToBeAPie · 01/05/2023 21:12

Why doesn't he have a job? If he's at home he should be doing 80% of chores. If not he should be at work.

Original poster

Storm49 · 01/05/2023 21:14

He's just really struggling to find employment. He has tried he's applied for a lot and got nowhere

OP posts:

gamerchick · 01/05/2023 21:14

So what does he contribute to the household and your life?

BadgerFacedCoo · 01/05/2023 21:16

Storm49 · 01/05/2023 21:14

He's just really struggling to find employment. He has tried he's applied for a lot and got nowhere

Would you hire him?

pointythings · 01/05/2023 21:18

If you're working and he isn't, then he should be doing the bulk of the housework - 80% sounds about right.

Tell him this.

If you get nowhere, bin him. He brings nothing positive to your life.

Doggymummar · 01/05/2023 21:18

Is he looking after the kids? Pickups dropping them off making lunches aspfter school care expect? Cos that's a big help to the family

Original poster

Storm49 · 01/05/2023 21:19

He looks after the children and he cooks for us. I genuinely don't feel attracted to him anymore with his attitude and constant bickering, I dread coming home, I feel awful for the kids cuz their dad is constantly on at them about silly stuff. I juts want to scream at the top of my lungs just to shut the fuck up

OP posts:

BadgerFacedCoo · 01/05/2023 21:22

Are they his kids?

You need to make sure you don't lose custody if you split. He's the main carer. Even is he does no caring, or housework or anything.

Truestorypeeps · 01/05/2023 21:29

Sounds like he's taking his lack of success in the job market out on all of you over silly little things. If you are working out of the house, he should be working in the house. I wonder if his mental health is suffering because he's not getting anywhere with gaining employment? In the past when I've had low mood, it's a struggle to be positive and to motivate myself to do anything much at all.

You need to chat and he needs to understand not to take his bad moods out on the children, that they are doing normal things all children do, and let him know that his constant bemoaning of them will only serve to destroy their self-confidence and affection for him. He needs to build them up, encourage them, not tear them down.

Maybe he doesn't totally get how he is affecting you and you need to spell it out to him that he's 3 months to show major improvements or it's over. A partner should be making you feel happy, not miserable! You wouldn't continue to hang out with a friend who always made you feel like you say he is making you feeling.

Original poster

Storm49 · 01/05/2023 21:32

Yes they are his children, if we did split and he chose to take me to court over custody what would be the reason they would give him full custody? Mums have to work too in this economy

OP posts:

IDontWantToBeAPie · 01/05/2023 21:49

Storm49 · 01/05/2023 21:14

He's just really struggling to find employment. He has tried he's applied for a lot and got nowhere

Then as a temporary stay at home parent until he finds work he needs to do most of the cleaning

Truestorypeeps · 01/05/2023 21:50

Was thinking maybe you could go in with a soft approach of saying, you really don't seem to be yourself lately and I'm worried about you... Then just see what he says? :-/

BadgerFacedCoo · 01/05/2023 22:00

Storm49 · 01/05/2023 21:32

Yes they are his children, if we did split and he chose to take me to court over custody what would be the reason they would give him full custody? Mums have to work too in this economy

Not full custody but majority custody.

He's the main parent. Every other weekend sound good? He takes his frustrations out on you, think he'd accept 50/50?

HumbleHedgehog · 01/05/2023 22:39

Hey, I thought I'd give my man point of view. When I was a kid I was never made to do chores, this carried over to uni which annoyed my mates. Then into relationships which annoyed my partners. My current partner basically told me how it is (she's Italian). Anyway, long story short you're in a partnership and the difficult things in life (making money, housework, caring for kids etc) needs to be equal. The only way I'd ever let my girlfriend do all the chores is if she was living off my paycheck as a stay at home mum. And even then I'd clean up after myself. I suggest talking to him and so he understands what is required in a healthy relationship.

In regards to moaning, I'd be grumpy too if I was unemployed. He needs to do some education so he's less depressed and more employable.

ClementWeatherToday · 02/05/2023 09:10

The only way I'd ever let my girlfriend do all the chores is if she was living off my paycheck as a stay at home mum. And even then I'd clean up after myself.

@HumbleHedgehog I would hope you'd do a sight more than simply clean up after yourself if your partner was a stay at home parent to your joint children. SAHPs look after children while the other parent works. They don't become servants to the other parent. They don't work 24/7 while the other parent works 9-5 and refuses to do any chores except cleaning up after themselves. You share your paycheck because the reason she isn't at work is that she is raising your children while you're at work. Sharing your earnings when she has given up hers for the family doesn't entitle you to expect her to do all of the household tasks. It entitles you to expect her to look after the children during your working hours.

Why oh why do some men think that when they have children, at the precise moment the domestic burden increases in almost all areas (more laundry, more food prep, more tidying, more cleaning, more admin, more appointments etc.), they will get to do LESS at home instead of more!? (This is of course assuming that you currently share household chores, and aren't already only cleaning up after yourself as if she runs an hotel in which you live.)

It's great that you recognise that you were lacking (although quite how a grown adult doesn't just realise that chores need to be done but needs another (female) adult to inform them of that is quite beyond me) and have taken steps to improve. Are you aware that even in relationships where men think they do an equal share they are usually doing much less than the female partner? You may find it interesting to do some reading of studies that have been done into this and other related areas.

FartSock5000 · 02/05/2023 12:06

@Storm49 he is an absolute cock lodger! What a joke!

If the roles were reversed and he was the one out at work while you stayed home then you'd have the housework done on top of the kids and meals.

He is using you.

Get rid of him. Don't take legal advice from him either.

He is taking you for a mug!

HumbleHedgehog · 02/05/2023 12:08

ClementWeatherToday · 02/05/2023 09:10

The only way I'd ever let my girlfriend do all the chores is if she was living off my paycheck as a stay at home mum. And even then I'd clean up after myself.

@HumbleHedgehog I would hope you'd do a sight more than simply clean up after yourself if your partner was a stay at home parent to your joint children. SAHPs look after children while the other parent works. They don't become servants to the other parent. They don't work 24/7 while the other parent works 9-5 and refuses to do any chores except cleaning up after themselves. You share your paycheck because the reason she isn't at work is that she is raising your children while you're at work. Sharing your earnings when she has given up hers for the family doesn't entitle you to expect her to do all of the household tasks. It entitles you to expect her to look after the children during your working hours.

Why oh why do some men think that when they have children, at the precise moment the domestic burden increases in almost all areas (more laundry, more food prep, more tidying, more cleaning, more admin, more appointments etc.), they will get to do LESS at home instead of more!? (This is of course assuming that you currently share household chores, and aren't already only cleaning up after yourself as if she runs an hotel in which you live.)

It's great that you recognise that you were lacking (although quite how a grown adult doesn't just realise that chores need to be done but needs another (female) adult to inform them of that is quite beyond me) and have taken steps to improve. Are you aware that even in relationships where men think they do an equal share they are usually doing much less than the female partner? You may find it interesting to do some reading of studies that have been done into this and other related areas.

Currently my partner is working long hours and I have a month gap between jobs. As I have more free time I do all the chores (cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry etc). My comment wasn't about gender roles. We do things as a team in whichever way round that may be. It might change though when we have kids.